For OkieGentleman and Gopher

LawDog · November 18, 2000, 01:37 PM

You wanted the Snake Story, here it is in all it's unfinished glory.

Many, MANY moons ago (don't even ask, 'cause I won't tell you) when I was still a pup, the family lived in Nigeria. We had a bungalow at the Odibo Estates, out near the Biafran border. Every evening peddlers (called 'traders') used to walk up and down the main road, offering to sell or trade various knick-knacks and merchandise.

Ali Cheap-Cheap was one of the busier traders, and he spent a lot of time on our front porch haggling with Mom. Now, Ali Cheap-Cheap was very proud of his ability to get just about anything you might want or need.

One evening, Mom was visiting on the front porch with the visiting wife of one of the English engineers. Said wife had never been outside of London before, and as a consequence, loathed Africa. She and Mom are chattering and griping when along comes Ali Cheap-Cheap. Old Ali Cheap-Cheap doesn't have anything Mom or the English lady want, so, before he wanders off, he asks if, "Madams want for anything?"

English lady gets a funny look in her eye, taps her snakehide purse and says, "I want one of these."
"Yes, madam," replies Ali, and off he wanders.

'Bout three weeks later, Mom and the English twit are on the front porch, and along comes Ali Cheap-Cheap. With a friend. Ali and friend have a cane pole slung over their shoulders with a burlap bag hanging from said pole.

Now, on the front porch, we had a Mongoose-a-minium in which lived our pet kusimanse (Pygmy mongoose). This Mongoose-a-minium had a PlexiGlass ceiling which Dad had assured us was unbreakable.

Riiiight.

Up to the porch comes Ali Cheap-Cheap and his buddy.

Mom is eyeing the burlap bag with some trepidation, having had some nasty experiences with what the locals tended to store in burlap bags, when Ali and buddy proudly lift the burlap bag and announce, "Oh, madam! We have your beef!"

I should interject here, that "Beef" is bush slang for any animal. Wait for it.

Mom has risen to her full height, and is about to order Ali to get his beef away from her house, when Squeaker (the Pygmy mongoose) wanders out of his apartment, and screams in sheer rage. (It was always amazing how much sheer volume that little hairball could put out) Ali and buddy are startled by the shriek and drop the burlap bag onto the Plexiglass roof of Squeaker's residence.

The 'unbreakable' Plexi shattered and dropped the burlap bag into the Mongoose-a-minium. Inside said burlap is one 15 foot, rather scared python. (Did I mention that he was still alive?)

Squeaker, who was about the size and girth of a tennis ball, offers up a brief prayer to the Mongoose God for the meal he is about to partake of, and latches onto the snakes tail, with tooth and claw.

The snake has discovered that he has been dumped into a place which reeks of mongoose, panics and pours himself up the side of the Mongoose-a-minium and down to the porch--with Squeaker not only still firmly attached to his tail, but bracing all four legs to prevent his meal from getting away. I should probably mention that the snake was approximately fifteen feet long. However, Squeaker didn't even slow him down.

The snake hit the porch floor with Squeaks gnawing away at his tail like a chipmunk on speed, and notices that the sliding glass door in the front of our house is open about six inches (for ventilation).

Yep. You guessed it: in goes the snake.

Now, Dad and one of his Brit buddies were sitting in the house, drinking whiskey-and-sodas. Brit buddy looks down and sees several yards of snake whip by, shrieks, and makes a flat-footed, sitting-down leap from the sofa to the top of the bar. Whereupon, he begins to utter genteel curses at the top of his lungs.

Dad looks down, lifts his feet, insures that his drink doesn't tip over, and watches the snake haul scales with bemused interest. (Dad didn't ruffle easily) In one corner of the living room was The Chest. The Chest was a great huge hand-carved teak box, that weighed approximately the same as an early 60's Buick. Guess where the snake went?

Yep, slithered under that chest slicker than grease (knocking Squeaks off in the process), wrapped about 13+ feet of coils around the solid teak legs of The Chest, tucked his head back into the darkness and muttered nasty things.

Mom sails into the house at full speed, Ali Cheap-Cheap and buddy hot on her heels.

Mom (as she scooped up Squeaks): "Where is it?"

Dad: "Hmm?"

Brit Buddy: "Under the bloody chest!"

Ali Cheap-Cheap: "Dis beef, 30 Niara!"

Mom: "Get it the hell out of my house! 30 Niara? I don't want the damn thing!"

Dad: "It'll probably leave on it's own after things calm down..."

Brit: "Good God, the thing is bloody huge!"

Ali: "Oh, madam, you take the food from my childrens' mouths! 25 Niara!"

Brit: "25 Niara for a snake?! Are you daft?!"

Mom: "OUT! I don't want the damn snake!"

Brit: "I should say not. Must be charging by the pound."

Ali (tearing at clothes): "20 Niara! Not a kobo less! You are evil woman!"

Snake: "Hiiiiiiiisssssssss!"

Squeaks (translation): "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungery again!"

Mom: "Get. That. Thing. Out. Of. My. HOUSE! Ali! Get out of my house!"

Ali (much offended): "Madam, you have my beef. You give 20 Niara."

Dad: "Thief man, this beef 10 Niara--no more."

Ali: "Ah! Boss! Is good juju--make you strong like bull! 15 Niara!"

Brit (still on top of the bar): "I say, do you really think so?"

Dad: "Well, Tom, if you've got 12 Niara, you can find out."

Mom (dreadfully quiet): "Why is that thing still in my house?"

Ali: "13 Niara!"
---------------------------------------

I'm still working on the last half of this story. Some people have threatened me with bodily injury if I go any further, but I think I've almost gotten them worn down.

LawDog

pax · November 18, 2000, 08:12 PM

Bodily injury!? I should say so! If you'd gone any further I'd have bust my gut wide open, I was laughing so hard ...

Oh. You mean, they threatened you with bodily injury? Good God, man, people should pay for a laugh that good.

pax

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else." -- Will Rogers

JHS · November 18, 2000, 09:44 PM

Outstanding.

USP45usp · November 18, 2000, 10:02 PM

I've been told that I have a very short attention span.. but I couldn't help but read the whole story

USP45usp

Gopher · November 18, 2000, 11:44 PM

You have a weakness, I dont know what it is yet but I will find it. You will finish this story one day. You are DA MAN! LOL

Pleeeeeeeease!

George Hill · November 19, 2000, 12:06 AM

You can't spin a yarn like that and not have an ending!

OkieGentleman · November 19, 2000, 01:30 AM

I laughed so hard I think I hurt my self. Give a few days to recover and then finish the tale PLEASE!! And thanks for the major laugh. Someday I will tell you the story of how the cow shat on the back of Grand dads neck. It will be long

tony.s · August 29, 2001, 09:38 AM

So, whatever happened to the other half of the story? Didn't find it when I did a search just now...

Jim V · August 29, 2001, 12:15 PM

Come on LawDog, finish the story off. LawMom won't hurt ya, at least not much......

ckurts · August 29, 2001, 01:19 PM

Too, too much! They're calling EAP (employee assistance program, the first step to the funny funny farm through our medical insurance plan) on me right now, I can't stop laughing!

Kurt

DorGunR · August 29, 2001, 02:04 PM

Squeaks (translation): "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungery again!"

hehehe....doncha just luv critters????

Lawdog......you da MAN.

blades67 · August 29, 2001, 08:14 PM

Now that's funny!

DorGunR · August 31, 2001, 11:28 AM

LawDog
Have ya finished this stoey yet??????
I just gotta know how it ends........please????

OkieGentleman · September 1, 2001, 01:13 AM

OK who has lookig thur the arcives? Now Lawdog assume the position!! Hands against the wall and the feet spread wide!!

Now finish the story, if you please!!

Why? Cause I need a GOOD laugh real bad!!

Gopher · September 1, 2001, 01:16 AM

I'll sic K100 on you if you dont.

OF · September 1, 2001, 01:28 AM

Woohoo! So is Rich going to give you a column, or what?!

- Gabe

Double Naught Spy · September 1, 2001, 01:57 AM

What a wonderful story. I am continually amazed about how non-locals can detest places and be vocal about it. I am ashamed to say that in my earlier travels, I had done the same. I have now come to appreciate various local habitats, people, and traditions even though there are some I would not want to experience again. Eat what the locals eat, drink what they drink, laugh when they laugh, and if they run, run like hell as well. They obviously know something significant and if they are scared, then quite likely you should be as well. They know the sounds, people, and animals of their home area. You are the stranger.

Dad had the right attitude, but your mum probably needed a little help. I am guessing that there would be no wonderful story if your mum loved the snake and mongooses.

SO HOW DOES THE FRIGGIN' STORY END.....?

**4V50 Gary** · September 2, 2001, 03:18 PM

Unless you finish this story, me and the other staff here at TFL are going to bump you off. BTW, it was me who put the lock on the refrigerator. No more Shiner for you until you've finished what you started.

FTG-05 · October 16, 2001, 01:08 PM

Where's the rest of the story??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Albin

LawDog · October 16, 2001, 06:47 PM

Here you go, Albin.

http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=80201

LawDog

Don Gwinn · May 14, 2002, 12:33 AM

BTT

For Bog and some other newcomers. Everyone should get at least one chance to read this story.

Jim V · May 20, 2004, 09:19 PM

The first half of the snake story, involving LawMom, LawDad, Charlie Cheap-Cheap and staring Squeak the Mongoose.

November 18, 2000, 10:02 PM	#4
USP45usp Junior member Join Date: May 18, 2000 Location: Eugene, OR Posts: 3,427	Good G-d man, don't leave us hanging I've been told that I have a very short attention span.. but I couldn't help but read the whole story USP45usp

November 18, 2000, 11:44 PM	#5
Gopher Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1999 Location: Texas USA Posts: 367	Snake Story You have a weakness, I dont know what it is yet but I will find it. You will finish this story one day. You are DA MAN! LOL Pleeeeeeeease!

November 19, 2000, 01:30 AM	#7
OkieGentleman Senior Member Join Date: August 19, 1999 Location: OKC Metro Posts: 521	Squekers Lost Meal I laughed so hard I think I hurt my self. Give a few days to recover and then finish the tale PLEASE!! And thanks for the major laugh. Someday I will tell you the story of how the cow shat on the back of Grand dads neck. It will be long

August 29, 2001, 09:38 AM	#8
tony.s Senior Member Join Date: February 5, 2000 Location: Helsinki, Finland Posts: 185	BTT So, whatever happened to the other half of the story? Didn't find it when I did a search just now...

August 29, 2001, 02:04 PM	#11
DorGunR Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Maryland Posts: 1,125	Squeaks (translation): "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungery again!" hehehe....doncha just luv critters???? Lawdog......you da MAN. Last edited by DorGunR; August 29, 2001 at 03:01 PM.

November 18, 2000, 01:37 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,194	You wanted the Snake Story, here it is in all it's unfinished glory. Many, MANY moons ago (don't even ask, 'cause I won't tell you) when I was still a pup, the family lived in Nigeria. We had a bungalow at the Odibo Estates, out near the Biafran border. Every evening peddlers (called 'traders') used to walk up and down the main road, offering to sell or trade various knick-knacks and merchandise. Ali Cheap-Cheap was one of the busier traders, and he spent a lot of time on our front porch haggling with Mom. Now, Ali Cheap-Cheap was very proud of his ability to get just about anything you might want or need. One evening, Mom was visiting on the front porch with the visiting wife of one of the English engineers. Said wife had never been outside of London before, and as a consequence, loathed Africa. She and Mom are chattering and griping when along comes Ali Cheap-Cheap. Old Ali Cheap-Cheap doesn't have anything Mom or the English lady want, so, before he wanders off, he asks if, "Madams want for anything?" English lady gets a funny look in her eye, taps her snakehide purse and says, "I want one of these." "Yes, madam," replies Ali, and off he wanders. 'Bout three weeks later, Mom and the English twit are on the front porch, and along comes Ali Cheap-Cheap. With a friend. Ali and friend have a cane pole slung over their shoulders with a burlap bag hanging from said pole. Now, on the front porch, we had a Mongoose-a-minium in which lived our pet kusimanse (Pygmy mongoose). This Mongoose-a-minium had a PlexiGlass ceiling which Dad had assured us was unbreakable. Riiiight. Up to the porch comes Ali Cheap-Cheap and his buddy. Mom is eyeing the burlap bag with some trepidation, having had some nasty experiences with what the locals tended to store in burlap bags, when Ali and buddy proudly lift the burlap bag and announce, "Oh, madam! We have your beef!" I should interject here, that "Beef" is bush slang for any animal. Wait for it. Mom has risen to her full height, and is about to order Ali to get his beef away from her house, when Squeaker (the Pygmy mongoose) wanders out of his apartment, and screams in sheer rage. (It was always amazing how much sheer volume that little hairball could put out) Ali and buddy are startled by the shriek and drop the burlap bag onto the Plexiglass roof of Squeaker's residence. The 'unbreakable' Plexi shattered and dropped the burlap bag into the Mongoose-a-minium. Inside said burlap is one 15 foot, rather scared python. (Did I mention that he was still alive?) Squeaker, who was about the size and girth of a tennis ball, offers up a brief prayer to the Mongoose God for the meal he is about to partake of, and latches onto the snakes tail, with tooth and claw. The snake has discovered that he has been dumped into a place which reeks of mongoose, panics and pours himself up the side of the Mongoose-a-minium and down to the porch--with Squeaker not only still firmly attached to his tail, but bracing all four legs to prevent his meal from getting away. I should probably mention that the snake was approximately fifteen feet long. However, Squeaker didn't even slow him down. The snake hit the porch floor with Squeaks gnawing away at his tail like a chipmunk on speed, and notices that the sliding glass door in the front of our house is open about six inches (for ventilation). Yep. You guessed it: in goes the snake. Now, Dad and one of his Brit buddies were sitting in the house, drinking whiskey-and-sodas. Brit buddy looks down and sees several yards of snake whip by, shrieks, and makes a flat-footed, sitting-down leap from the sofa to the top of the bar. Whereupon, he begins to utter genteel curses at the top of his lungs. Dad looks down, lifts his feet, insures that his drink doesn't tip over, and watches the snake haul scales with bemused interest. (Dad didn't ruffle easily) In one corner of the living room was The Chest. The Chest was a great huge hand-carved teak box, that weighed approximately the same as an early 60's Buick. Guess where the snake went? Yep, slithered under that chest slicker than grease (knocking Squeaks off in the process), wrapped about 13+ feet of coils around the solid teak legs of The Chest, tucked his head back into the darkness and muttered nasty things. Mom sails into the house at full speed, Ali Cheap-Cheap and buddy hot on her heels. Mom (as she scooped up Squeaks): "Where is it?" Dad: "Hmm?" Brit Buddy: "Under the bloody chest!" Ali Cheap-Cheap: "Dis beef, 30 Niara!" Mom: "Get it the hell out of my house! 30 Niara? I don't want the damn thing!" Dad: "It'll probably leave on it's own after things calm down..." Brit: "Good God, the thing is bloody huge!" Ali: "Oh, madam, you take the food from my childrens' mouths! 25 Niara!" Brit: "25 Niara for a snake?! Are you daft?!" Mom: "OUT! I don't want the damn snake!" Brit: "I should say not. Must be charging by the pound." Ali (tearing at clothes): "20 Niara! Not a kobo less! You are evil woman!" Snake: "Hiiiiiiiisssssssss!" Squeaks (translation): "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungery again!" Mom: "Get. That. Thing. Out. Of. My. HOUSE! Ali! Get out of my house!" Ali (much offended): "Madam, you have my beef. You give 20 Niara." Dad: "Thief man, this beef 10 Niara--no more." Ali: "Ah! Boss! Is good juju--make you strong like bull! 15 Niara!" Brit (still on top of the bar): "I say, do you really think so?" Dad: "Well, Tom, if you've got 12 Niara, you can find out." Mom (dreadfully quiet): "Why is that thing still in my house?" Ali: "13 Niara!" --------------------------------------- I'm still working on the last half of this story. Some people have threatened me with bodily injury if I go any further, but I think I've almost gotten them worn down. LawDog

November 18, 2000, 08:12 PM	#2
pax Senior Member Join Date: May 17, 2000 Location: In a state of flux Posts: 7,520	Bodily injury!? I should say so! If you'd gone any further I'd have bust my gut wide open, I was laughing so hard ... Oh. You mean, they threatened you with bodily injury? Good God, man, people should pay for a laugh that good. pax "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else." -- Will Rogers

November 18, 2000, 09:44 PM	#3
JHS Senior Member Join Date: November 30, 1998 Location: Goodwell,Ok. Posts: 505	Outstanding.

November 19, 2000, 12:06 AM	#6
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11,546	You can't spin a yarn like that and not have an ending!

August 29, 2001, 12:15 PM	#9
Jim V Senior Member Join Date: January 31, 1999 Location: SE Michigan - USA Posts: 4,038	Come on LawDog, finish the story off. LawMom won't hurt ya, at least not much......

August 29, 2001, 01:19 PM	#10
ckurts Senior Member Join Date: August 4, 1999 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 475	Too, too much! They're calling EAP (employee assistance program, the first step to the funny funny farm through our medical insurance plan) on me right now, I can't stop laughing! Kurt

August 29, 2001, 08:14 PM	#12
blades67 Senior Member Join Date: April 23, 1999 Location: Chandler, Arizona, USA Posts: 6,014	Now that's funny!

August 31, 2001, 11:28 AM	#13
DorGunR Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Maryland Posts: 1,125	LawDog Have ya finished this stoey yet?????? I just gotta know how it ends........please????

September 1, 2001, 01:13 AM	#14
OkieGentleman Senior Member Join Date: August 19, 1999 Location: OKC Metro Posts: 521	OK who has lookig thur the arcives? Now Lawdog assume the position!! Hands against the wall and the feet spread wide!! Now finish the story, if you please!! Why? Cause I need a GOOD laugh real bad!!

September 1, 2001, 01:16 AM	#15
Gopher Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1999 Location: Texas USA Posts: 367	I'll sic K100 on you if you dont.

September 1, 2001, 01:28 AM	#16
OF Senior Member Join Date: April 12, 2000 Posts: 2,239	Woohoo! So is Rich going to give you a column, or what?! - Gabe

September 1, 2001, 01:57 AM	#17
Double Naught Spy Senior Member Join Date: January 8, 2001 Location: Forestburg, Montague Cnty, TX Posts: 12,793	What a wonderful story. I am continually amazed about how non-locals can detest places and be vocal about it. I am ashamed to say that in my earlier travels, I had done the same. I have now come to appreciate various local habitats, people, and traditions even though there are some I would not want to experience again. Eat what the locals eat, drink what they drink, laugh when they laugh, and if they run, run like hell as well. They obviously know something significant and if they are scared, then quite likely you should be as well. They know the sounds, people, and animals of their home area. You are the stranger. Dad had the right attitude, but your mum probably needed a little help. I am guessing that there would be no wonderful story if your mum loved the snake and mongooses. SO HOW DOES THE FRIGGIN' STORY END.....? __________________ "If you look through your scope and see your shoe, aim higher." -- said to me by my 11 year old daughter before going out for hogs 8/13/2011 My Hunting Videos https://www.youtube.com/user/HornHillRange

September 2, 2001, 03:18 PM	#18
4V50 Gary Staff Join Date: November 2, 1998 Location: Colorado Posts: 22,301	Lawdog... Unless you finish this story, me and the other staff here at TFL are going to bump you off. BTW, it was me who put the lock on the refrigerator. No more Shiner for you until you've finished what you started. __________________ Vigilantibus et non dormientibus jura subveniunt. *Molon Labe!*

October 16, 2001, 01:08 PM	#19
FTG-05 Senior Member Join Date: March 18, 1999 Location: TN Posts: 302	Where's the rest of the story?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Albin

October 16, 2001, 06:47 PM	#20
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,194	Here you go, Albin. http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=80201 LawDog __________________ "The Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer." --The 13th Warrior Bona na Croin The LawDog Files

May 14, 2002, 12:33 AM	#21
Don Gwinn Staff Emeritus Join Date: March 9, 2000 Location: Virden, IL Posts: 5,917	BTT For Bog and some other newcomers. Everyone should get at least one chance to read this story. __________________ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don Gwinn: Chicago Gun Rights Examiner

May 20, 2004, 09:19 PM	#22
Jim V Senior Member Join Date: January 31, 1999 Location: SE Michigan - USA Posts: 4,038	The first half of the snake story, involving LawMom, LawDad, Charlie Cheap-Cheap and staring Squeak the Mongoose.