The LawDog Files.

LawDog · May 12, 2000, 01:31 AM

In late 1995, a critter in our town twisted off and hit his ladyfriend in the head a couple of times with an axe. Not one to leave a job half-done, he dragged her out to the lake, wired her up to a cinderblock and shoved her off into the water.

Wonder of wonders, she survived. Even bigger wonder, she came into town and filed charges on her boyfriend.

I had been out on a date, and wandered back into town about the time that the search was really getting wound up. First thing in the door of the office and the Sheriff hits me with three conflicting orders on where to go. (One of those places would require asbestos underoos

.) Anyhoo, I'm trying to find my spare set of armour and a call comes in: one of our local merchants has spotted the critter climbing in a back window of an abandoned building used for storage.

The Sheriff grabs me and a luckless Highway Patrol Trooper who had come in for a coffee refill and off we go.

The other two deputies were hell-and-gone on the other side of the county, so it was just the three of us.

For those of you who don't know how to search a large building with only three people, it's really quite simple: two officers place themselves on opposite outside corners of the building so that they can see all four sides (to catch the critter trying to escape) and one officer goes inside.

Three guesses who got to go inside, and the first two don't count.

Yep. Let me tell you, that place was darker than the Earl of Hells waistcoat and stacked floor-to-ceiling with shelves. On those shelves was the collected knick-knacks of 20 years of Main Street stores. And not a lightbulb anywhere.

There I was, with a snubbie .357, a five-cell Maglight and a Handi-Talkie, and me only having two hands. About the fourth time I tried to answer the Sheriff's: "Have you got him yet!?" while trying to cover a suspicious patch of darkness and juggle the Mag-Lite, I stop in the feeble light of the moon shining down through a hole in the ceiling. I'm busily trying to figure out which I needed more: the Mag-lite or the Handi-talkie, when the SOB jumps me.

I'm here to tell you, folks, things went rodeo from there.

He lunged out of a shadow, trying to grab for my throat, and me--reacting totally instinctively--I whack him a good one across the forehead with the Maglight.

Bulb, batteries and assorted electonic parts arc gracefully into the darkness. Critter takes one step back and jumps at me again.

Things are not looking good in Dogville.

I've got the snubbie back with my right hand, trying to keep it away from this goblin, and I'm trying to stiffarm him away with my left when I step onto what was later found to be a D-cell battery from my Maglight.

Down I go. And the allegeded axe-murderer lands on top of me. Hoo boy.

The gloves really come off then. We roll on the cold cement, I'm hitting him in the head with the butt of my revolver, elbow smashes to the jaw and brachial plexus, knee strikes--the whole enchilada. And he keeps grabbing at my throat.

Fianlly, we roll into a patch of moonlight--and the bastard has a knife!

Folks, I hate knives. No, I really hate knives. He's on top of me, and he has to weigh three-hundred pounds, and that damn knife is coming down in slow motion...

...about the same time that the barrel of my snubbie rams up under his chin and I squeeze off two rounds.

Blowing the electronic brains and assorted stuffing of the Animatronic Life-Like Talking Santa Claus belonging to the local Thriftway halfway to Okalhoma City.

You don't want to know what a couple of .357 rounds will do to hydraulics. *sigh*

There I am. Staring at the robotic Kris Kringle whom I have assaulted, aggravated assaulted and finally murdered, when the Sheriff and the trooper come crashing through the place looking for me.

The Sheriff looks at me and the fallen Jolly Elf and begins to stare fixedly at the ceiling, while tugging his moustache. Gary (the trooper), holsters his SIG, gets out his pipe, looks around the crime scene, picks up a piece of flaming hat trim and uses it to light his pipe.

Jerry: (puffing pipe into life) "Obviously an assault candy cane. Bet it ain't registered."

Sheriff: "Dangerous things, assault canes."

Jerry: "Obviously, a good shoot." Puff, puff.

Sheriff: "Don't worry boy. I'll call the Marshals first thing in the morning.

Me: "Duh, puff-pant, huh?"

Sheriff: "Boy, there's gonna be several million kids after your hide come Christmas. Witness Protection Program is your only chance."

Smart ass.

That was the only time I have ever used the Universal Peace Gesture to my fellow LEOs.

And the critter was caught in New Mexico an hour later. *sigh*

LawDog

[This message has been edited by LawDog (edited May 12, 2000).]

jensenfarm · May 12, 2000, 01:50 AM

GAWD.......DAMN NEAR PEED MY PANTS!!!

Lawdog, that is a classic...one of top 5 I've ever heard!

John/az2 · May 12, 2000, 01:52 AM

Thank goodness I put that drink down before reading this!!!

MORE! MORE!

------------------
John/az
"When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA!
www.cphv.com

Ottergal · May 12, 2000, 03:54 AM

LawDog...

Thanks for bringing another smile to my face...you don't know how much I needed that!

Assaulting Santa???? How could you???!!! Is there a special code for that?? Talk about something that would get you on the naughty list!!!

Bruce in West Oz · May 12, 2000, 04:13 AM

Oh, LawDog! Everyone in the office thought I'd finally popped my cork! And since I wasn't supposed to be lookin' at TFl just then, I couldn't tell 'em why!!

Classic!!

Oh -- and don't forget this:

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)

He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudolph was a red

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(c) 1987 Lore Shoberg[/quote]

We should've saved these for December

foxfire · May 12, 2000, 06:06 AM

LawDog,
How soon are you going to gather all these 'incidents' together and have them published?
Great reading...

------------------
...defend the 2nd., it protects us all.
No fate but what we make...

Hal · May 12, 2000, 06:38 AM

Funny doesn't even begin to describe this!

You-have-got-to-put-these-stories-in-print!

Wagging a cyber-finger at you LD!-You have a God given gift of story telling-the ablility to expand time. Lots of people can squeeze time down, but only a gifted few can make seconds seem like hours.

[This message has been edited by RAE (edited May 12, 2000).]

Kentucky Rifle · May 12, 2000, 01:26 PM

Ian,
You crack me up. I spilled my coffee!
Keep "The Law Dog Files" updated. I look forward to the post. Thanks for the laugh!

Will

------------------
Mendacity is the system we live in.

El Chimango Pete · May 12, 2000, 01:32 PM

Really Good Suff - the story and the telling - can we see more? RAE has it exactly - a rare talent (and it pays as little as Law enforcemnt, no need to worry about getting into a higher tax bracket)
And Bruce - I just listened again to my Bing Crosby Christmas carol album and it sounded different somehow.
Hasta pronto - Peter Knight

RWK · May 12, 2000, 01:38 PM

L'Dog,

Great story; thank you!

I once heard that the validity of a story is not nearly as important as its being well-crafted. Yours is VERY well-crafted.

Thanks again.

Miss Demeanors · May 12, 2000, 01:45 PM

Encore Encore! if I am even spelling that correct

Oatka · May 12, 2000, 01:50 PM

Geez, you had me going - my stomach was in a knot. Great story.

I think you ought to post it on a struggling LEO board (48 members) at:
http://forums.law-enforcement.com/f-...i?action=intro

buzz_knox · May 12, 2000, 01:56 PM

"He killed Santa. You BASTARD!"

First, you made me nervous.

Then, you made me scared for you.

Then, you made me "pee my kilt" laughing.

LawDog · May 12, 2000, 02:11 PM

Done, Oatka. Thanks.

LawDog

Erik · May 12, 2000, 03:14 PM

JHS · May 12, 2000, 07:31 PM

I collapsed a lung.

Rex Feral · May 12, 2000, 09:11 PM

LawDog-
Did you submit that shooting to Evan Marshall?
Oh yeah, nevermind, you fired two shots, that would disqualify this shooting from his database.

------------------
Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war.

bestdefense357 · May 13, 2000, 08:56 AM

LawDog, great story! Robert

**Bud Helms** · May 14, 2000, 12:40 AM

Outstanding tale!

William R. Wilburn · May 15, 2000, 05:06 AM

More!

DorGunR · May 15, 2000, 04:14 PM

LawDog
This was the first post that I read after returning from sick leave.

Thanks.....what a great way to start the day!

Laughed till my eyes were wet.

------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."

Ledbetter · May 15, 2000, 05:00 PM

Sweet.

jthuang · May 15, 2000, 05:30 PM

Good story!

Regarding the knife part, I had a similar experience in a force-on-force class a few months ago. It was a low-light scenario where I was armed with a cane (no gun).

I round the corner and there's the goblin (in a FIST suit). He asks me for money, I say forget it. He advances and sticks his finger in my face, asking again for money. I got two guys behind me, can't move back so I keep moving forward (like they say, if you stop you let them get position on you so keep moving). He lunges at me, I drop the cane (can't use deadly force on an unarmed man) and go into unarmed combat mode.

Instructors stop the simulation before it's clear who would have prevailed. I'm puzzled, until they show me that the "finger" he stuck in my face wasn't a finger at all, but a rubber knife (with blade painted silver). They stopped the simulation because I was dead -- stabbed by a knife I didn't even see.

So I understand -- I hate knives too, they seem to come out of nowhere on me.

Justin

------------------
Justin T. Huang, Esq.
late of Kennett Square, Pennsylvania

Long Path · May 15, 2000, 06:20 PM

You did well to blast 'im, LawDog-- Ever notice how sharp those big candy canes can get when you suck on the end for a while? Perhaps that explains why Santa's so fat; he's been steady makin' shivs... Hmmmmmm....

Dennis · May 15, 2000, 06:45 PM

LawDog,
My wife, Mom, two daughters and their husbands all liked it as much as I did!

May 12, 2000, 01:31 AM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,194	In late 1995, a critter in our town twisted off and hit his ladyfriend in the head a couple of times with an axe. Not one to leave a job half-done, he dragged her out to the lake, wired her up to a cinderblock and shoved her off into the water. Wonder of wonders, she survived. Even bigger wonder, she came into town and filed charges on her boyfriend. I had been out on a date, and wandered back into town about the time that the search was really getting wound up. First thing in the door of the office and the Sheriff hits me with three conflicting orders on where to go. (One of those places would require asbestos underoos .) Anyhoo, I'm trying to find my spare set of armour and a call comes in: one of our local merchants has spotted the critter climbing in a back window of an abandoned building used for storage. The Sheriff grabs me and a luckless Highway Patrol Trooper who had come in for a coffee refill and off we go. The other two deputies were hell-and-gone on the other side of the county, so it was just the three of us. For those of you who don't know how to search a large building with only three people, it's really quite simple: two officers place themselves on opposite outside corners of the building so that they can see all four sides (to catch the critter trying to escape) and one officer goes inside. Three guesses who got to go inside, and the first two don't count. Yep. Let me tell you, that place was darker than the Earl of Hells waistcoat and stacked floor-to-ceiling with shelves. On those shelves was the collected knick-knacks of 20 years of Main Street stores. And not a lightbulb anywhere. There I was, with a snubbie .357, a five-cell Maglight and a Handi-Talkie, and me only having two hands. About the fourth time I tried to answer the Sheriff's: "Have you got him yet!?" while trying to cover a suspicious patch of darkness and juggle the Mag-Lite, I stop in the feeble light of the moon shining down through a hole in the ceiling. I'm busily trying to figure out which I needed more: the Mag-lite or the Handi-talkie, when the SOB jumps me. I'm here to tell you, folks, things went rodeo from there. He lunged out of a shadow, trying to grab for my throat, and me--reacting totally instinctively--I whack him a good one across the forehead with the Maglight. Bulb, batteries and assorted electonic parts arc gracefully into the darkness. Critter takes one step back and jumps at me again. Things are not looking good in Dogville. I've got the snubbie back with my right hand, trying to keep it away from this goblin, and I'm trying to stiffarm him away with my left when I step onto what was later found to be a D-cell battery from my Maglight. Down I go. And the allegeded axe-murderer lands on top of me. Hoo boy. The gloves really come off then. We roll on the cold cement, I'm hitting him in the head with the butt of my revolver, elbow smashes to the jaw and brachial plexus, knee strikes--the whole enchilada. And he keeps grabbing at my throat. Fianlly, we roll into a patch of moonlight--and the bastard has a knife! Folks, I hate knives. No, I really hate knives. He's on top of me, and he has to weigh three-hundred pounds, and that damn knife is coming down in slow motion... ...about the same time that the barrel of my snubbie rams up under his chin and I squeeze off two rounds. Blowing the electronic brains and assorted stuffing of the Animatronic Life-Like Talking Santa Claus belonging to the local Thriftway halfway to Okalhoma City. You don't want to know what a couple of .357 rounds will do to hydraulics. sigh There I am. Staring at the robotic Kris Kringle whom I have assaulted, aggravated assaulted and finally murdered, when the Sheriff and the trooper come crashing through the place looking for me. The Sheriff looks at me and the fallen Jolly Elf and begins to stare fixedly at the ceiling, while tugging his moustache. Gary (the trooper), holsters his SIG, gets out his pipe, looks around the crime scene, picks up a piece of flaming hat trim and uses it to light his pipe. Jerry: (puffing pipe into life) "Obviously an assault candy cane. Bet it ain't registered." Sheriff: "Dangerous things, assault canes." Jerry: "Obviously, a good shoot." Puff, puff. Sheriff: "Don't worry boy. I'll call the Marshals first thing in the morning. Me: "Duh, puff-pant, huh?" Sheriff: "Boy, there's gonna be several million kids after your hide come Christmas. Witness Protection Program is your only chance." Smart ass. That was the only time I have ever used the Universal Peace Gesture to my fellow LEOs. And the critter was caught in New Mexico an hour later. sigh LawDog [This message has been edited by LawDog (edited May 12, 2000).]

May 12, 2000, 01:50 AM	#2
jensenfarm Member Join Date: February 6, 2000 Posts: 43	GAWD.......DAMN NEAR PEED MY PANTS!!! Lawdog, that is a classic...one of top 5 I've ever heard!

May 12, 2000, 01:52 AM	#3
John/az2 Senior Member Join Date: February 18, 1999 Location: Arizona Posts: 2,729	Thank goodness I put that drink down before reading this!!! MORE! MORE! ------------------ John/az "When freedom is at stake, your silence is not golden, it's yellow..." RKBA! www.cphv.com

May 12, 2000, 03:54 AM	#4
Ottergal Senior Member Join Date: January 14, 2000 Posts: 267	LawDog... Thanks for bringing another smile to my face...you don't know how much I needed that! Assaulting Santa???? How could you???!!! Is there a special code for that?? Talk about something that would get you on the naughty list!!!

May 12, 2000, 04:13 AM	#5
Bruce in West Oz Senior Member Join Date: February 17, 1999 Location: Western Australia Posts: 995	Oh, LawDog! Everyone in the office thought I'd finally popped my cork! And since I wasn't supposed to be lookin' at TFl just then, I couldn't tell 'em why!! Classic!! Oh -- and don't forget this: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town") Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He's making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He's gonna ice Santa Claus is wielding a gun Don't give him any trouble He'll blow you right away Don't give him any cause to shoot Or you'll make his Christmas Day Oh, you better believe He's packing a rod No coal in your stocking Just lead in your bod Santa Claus is wielding a gun He doesn't want cookies Or none of that crud He doesn't want milk What he wants is your blood Santa Claus is wielding a gun (Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire) He doesn't trust nobody Shot all his reindeer dead Thought Dancer was a sissy And thought Rudolph was a red Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun (c) 1987 Lore Shoberg[/quote] We should've saved these for December

May 12, 2000, 06:06 AM	#6
foxfire Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: Tennessee Posts: 689	LawDog, How soon are you going to gather all these 'incidents' together and have them published? Great reading... ------------------ ...defend the 2nd., it protects us all. No fate but what we make...

May 12, 2000, 06:38 AM	#7
Hal Senior Member Join Date: October 10, 1998 Location: Ohio USA Posts: 8,564	Funny doesn't even begin to describe this! You-have-got-to-put-these-stories-in-print! Wagging a cyber-finger at you LD!-You have a God given gift of story telling-the ablility to expand time. Lots of people can squeeze time down, but only a gifted few can make seconds seem like hours. [This message has been edited by RAE (edited May 12, 2000).]

May 12, 2000, 01:26 PM	#8
Kentucky Rifle Senior Member Join Date: July 6, 1999 Location: Louisville, Kentucky Posts: 2,687	Ian, You crack me up. I spilled my coffee! Keep "The Law Dog Files" updated. I look forward to the post. Thanks for the laugh! Will ------------------ Mendacity is the system we live in.

May 12, 2000, 01:32 PM	#9
El Chimango Pete Senior Member Join Date: January 11, 1999 Location: Sierras de Cordoba - Argentina Posts: 352	Really Good Suff - the story and the telling - can we see more? RAE has it exactly - a rare talent (and it pays as little as Law enforcemnt, no need to worry about getting into a higher tax bracket) And Bruce - I just listened again to my Bing Crosby Christmas carol album and it sounded different somehow. Hasta pronto - Peter Knight

May 12, 2000, 01:38 PM	#10
RWK Senior Member Join Date: August 21, 1999 Location: Occupied Virginia Posts: 2,777	L'Dog, Great story; thank you! I once heard that the validity of a story is not nearly as important as its being well-crafted. Yours is VERY well-crafted. Thanks again.

May 12, 2000, 01:45 PM	#11
Miss Demeanors Senior Member Join Date: June 23, 1999 Location: Illannoy Posts: 1,382	Encore Encore! if I am even spelling that correct

May 12, 2000, 01:50 PM	#12
Oatka Senior Member Join Date: February 28, 1999 Location: Nevada Posts: 3,076	Geez, you had me going - my stomach was in a knot. Great story. I think you ought to post it on a struggling LEO board (48 members) at: http://forums.law-enforcement.com/f-...i?action=intro

May 12, 2000, 01:56 PM	#13
buzz_knox Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Knoxville, in the Free State of Tennesse Posts: 4,190	"He killed Santa. You BASTARD!" First, you made me nervous. Then, you made me scared for you. Then, you made me "pee my kilt" laughing.

May 12, 2000, 02:11 PM	#14
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,194	Done, Oatka. Thanks. LawDog

May 12, 2000, 03:14 PM	#15
Erik Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: America Posts: 3,479

May 12, 2000, 07:31 PM	#16
JHS Senior Member Join Date: November 30, 1998 Location: Goodwell,Ok. Posts: 505	I collapsed a lung.

May 12, 2000, 09:11 PM	#17
Rex Feral Senior Member Join Date: February 27, 2000 Location: Southern NH, USA Posts: 471	LawDog- Did you submit that shooting to Evan Marshall? Oh yeah, nevermind, you fired two shots, that would disqualify this shooting from his database. ------------------ Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war.

May 13, 2000, 08:56 AM	#18
bestdefense357 Senior Member Join Date: March 17, 1999 Location: Ocala, Florida Posts: 426	LawDog, great story! Robert

May 14, 2000, 12:40 AM	#19
Bud Helms Senior Member Join Date: December 31, 1999 Location: Middle Georgia, USA Posts: 13,198	Outstanding tale!

May 15, 2000, 05:06 AM	#20
William R. Wilburn Senior Member Join Date: March 27, 2000 Posts: 192	More!

May 15, 2000, 04:14 PM	#21
DorGunR Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Maryland Posts: 1,125	LawDog This was the first post that I read after returning from sick leave. Thanks.....what a great way to start the day! Laughed till my eyes were wet. ------------------ "Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."

May 15, 2000, 05:00 PM	#22
Ledbetter Senior Member Join Date: February 23, 2000 Location: California USA Posts: 4,533	Sweet.

May 15, 2000, 05:30 PM	#23
jthuang Senior Member Join Date: January 21, 2000 Posts: 823	Good story! Regarding the knife part, I had a similar experience in a force-on-force class a few months ago. It was a low-light scenario where I was armed with a cane (no gun). I round the corner and there's the goblin (in a FIST suit). He asks me for money, I say forget it. He advances and sticks his finger in my face, asking again for money. I got two guys behind me, can't move back so I keep moving forward (like they say, if you stop you let them get position on you so keep moving). He lunges at me, I drop the cane (can't use deadly force on an unarmed man) and go into unarmed combat mode. Instructors stop the simulation before it's clear who would have prevailed. I'm puzzled, until they show me that the "finger" he stuck in my face wasn't a finger at all, but a rubber knife (with blade painted silver). They stopped the simulation because I was dead -- stabbed by a knife I didn't even see. So I understand -- I hate knives too, they seem to come out of nowhere on me. Justin ------------------ Justin T. Huang, Esq. late of Kennett Square, Pennsylvania

May 15, 2000, 06:20 PM	#24
Long Path Senior Member Join Date: May 31, 1999 Location: N. Texas Posts: 5,899	You did well to blast 'im, LawDog-- Ever notice how sharp those big candy canes can get when you suck on the end for a while? Perhaps that explains why Santa's so fat; he's been steady makin' shivs... Hmmmmmm....

May 15, 2000, 06:45 PM	#25
Dennis Staff Emeritus Join Date: November 23, 1998 Location: a small forest in Texas Posts: 7,079	LawDog, My wife, Mom, two daughters and their husbands all liked it as much as I did!