The LawDog Files (Christmas Edition)

LawDog · December 12, 2006, 09:09 PM

Show of paws here: how many people know what a pogonip is?

For the unwary, a pogonip is also called an ice-fog and is basically a thick blanket of winter fog that freezes on contact with anything solid, forming a super-slick rime of ice up to several inches thick.

Okay.

As penance for my brutal assassination of Santa Claus the year before, the Sheriff had graciously allowed me to be volunteered to play the Jolly Olde Elf at the town Christmas pageant.

The suit was a wonder. Even wearing armour and a gun-belt, I still disappeared in the deep, dark depths. This little problem was solved by the addition of several pillows from the trustee cell and three crumpled editions of the Sunday Dallas Morning News. The boots were actually overshoes, which velcro-ed quite nicely over my ropers, and the issue beard was tossed in favour of something dug up by the Chief Dispatcher (who also did the wardrobe for the town theatre group), said dispatcher promptly gluing the beard to my face with some kind of clear adhesive which she assured me would come off quite easily once the performance was over.

Lying heifer.

Anyhoo, I pulled on the supplied mittens, extracted my 22-year-old-Sheltie from under the Dispatch desk (the ladies in the office had given her a Christmas-themed sweater, put bows on her ears and painted her toenails in sparkly red-and-green hues) and drove my cruiser over to the Fire Department.

The night before, our area of West Texas had received one of the rare pogonip fogs, which had rendered the entire area about as slick as a greased hockey rink.

I didn't realize how slick everything was, until I wallowed out of the cruiser and slammed the door, which sent the cruiser sliding slowly about a foot left ... and into the gutter.

*sigh*

Anyhoo, I rode the brand new pumper truck over to the courthouse, did the "Ho, ho, ho" thing, got my lap wore out, everyone exclaimed over my Sheltie and she suffered herself to have many, many pictures taken with various personages...a generally good day.

After the festivities, I discovered that the guys at the FD had been nice enough to pull my cruiser out of the rain gutter...twice.

I plunked the dog into the side seat, shoehorned myself behind the wheel and was gingerly inching my way home, when...

You guessed it.

The radio went off. Burglary in progress at one of the local churches.

I pull up to the church, and mindful of my experience at the Fire Station, I get out of the cruiser, but I don't close the door.

Parked in front of the church is a pick-up truck, engine still running. Across the street is a little old gentleman with an absolutely huge mustache, holding a cordless phone and giving me the old hairy eyeball.

I immediately assume that the gentleman with the phone is most probably the Reporting Party, and I start to waddle across the street to get more information, when I notice that someone is in the act of walking from the front lawn of the church to the pick-up truck, and the person is carrying one of the figurines from the outdoor Nativity scene. This kind of strikes me as odd, so I holler, "Sheriff's Office, may I have a word with you?"

The old boy heisting Joseph (or maybe one of the Wise Men - I never was real sure), immediately drops the purloined porcelain and takes off at a high-speed shuffle for the pick-up.

Deciding that I really, really wanted to have a talk with that critter, I also kick into (sorta) high gear for the truck.

He gets there first, snags onto the side mirror, pirouettes a couple of times and goes ass over tin cups onto the street --

-- just before my feet abruptly kick out from under me and down I go. God bless the Dallas paper, I couldn't have been better padded if NASA had given it a try. I roll over and start pushing myself to my feet, when the critter rights himself, glances over at me and starts a high-speed slide/crawl to the curb.

Once on the chapel yard, he finds (somewhat) better traction and abruptly takes off at a dead sprint, me breathing down his neck. At the corner, he pulls a sneaky. Since he hasn't slowed, I figure we're for a full sprint down the block, but he puts out an arm, grabs the guy-line for the telephone pole and makes an abrupt right turn. While this is, indeed, a good move, unfortunately it dumps him on his fourth point of contact and the critter slides a good 10 yards down the street.

Not having benefit of the guy-line, I turn right much like a battleship under full steam: I use the entire street and most of the yard across the street just to change direction, said extra room giving the afore-mentioned critter enough time to scramble to his feet and head back the way we came.

Apparently, I was still a bit too close for comfort because the critter ran past his pick-up without even slowing down. Which put him on a direct course for my cruiser. With the drivers side door open.

I could almost see the 25-watt bulb light up over his head as he Got An Idea. Visions of dog-napped Shelties suddenly coursed across my minds eye.

Not to mention the thought of having a fully-equipped Sheriff's Office cruiser stolen out from under my nose, of course, but priorities and all.

Fortunately, my Sheltie chose that moment to daintily step into the driver seat, fix the approaching critter with a gimlet eye, and utter a short, sharp "Ah'm wee, but Ah'm wickit" bark -- thus causing my critter to lock up the brakes, his legs shoot out from under him and he slides under my cruiser, slick as a pin.

My last desperate grab for the Manger Bandit cost me my balance, and I hit the ice, sliding along at full speed, and scrabbling frantically at the ice, because my visions of a dog-napped pooch had been replaced by visions of my over-loaded butt slamming into the cruiser and sliding the whole enchilada into the gutter -- crushing my critter along the way.

By the grace of God, I narrowly missed my cruiser and slammed into the gutter -- not as bad as it sounds, due to the extensive Santa padding -- spun about and there is my critter, staring at from under the cruiser about ten feet away.

"Right then, boyo," I snarled, "You're nicked. Let's go."

My critter blinked at me in utter incomprehension. "What?"

"You're under arrest. Let's go."

"No" sayeth the critter. Now it was my turn to blink in confusion. "What?" I snappily replied.

The critter turned over and got a couple of good handholds on the undercarriage of my cruiser. "Make me."

I pushed myself to my feet and stomped over to the cruiser. "You're under arrest." I gritted through clenched teeth, "Get out from under there!"

"Work for it, fat man."

*sigh*

I was digging past umpteen pillows and the Lifestyle section of the Dallas paper trying to lay a paw on my pepper-spray, when my gaze happened to land upon ...

... it.

There. In all its glory. Not twenty feet from the front bumper of my cruiser. Left over from the heady Frontier Past of the city:

A horse trough.

I happily, one might even go so far as to say joyously, ambled up to said horse trough, peered over the side -- and it was full of water, with only a three-inch thick crust of ice over the top.

I'll have you know that I was wearing a full Santa Clause beard glued to my face, so anyone who testifies that I was "Grinning like an ape" as the stopper gave way is obviously mistaken.

I ambled back to the cruiser, watching my Very Own Tidal Wave creep down the gutter and said, gently, "Time to come out from under the car."

"Don't you have an elf to play with?"

"It would really be in your best interests to come out."

"What are you going to do? Put coal in my sto -- HOOOOoooo WHoooaaaa Ohohoho Haaaa! Haa! Huh-huh-huh!"

I tugged reflectively upon the beard. Yep. Between a combination of Panhandle winter wind and three quarts of glue, it was stuck but good. Under the cruiser the yodelling briefly died down to a series of gasps, but a sudden soprano shriek signaled, I thought, the infiltration of Polar water into the underwear area.

The impromptu yodel-fest died down to noises strongly reminiscent of a rapid-fire castanets, so I cleared my throat gently and remarked, "There's hot coffee down at the jail, dry clothes and a warm bunk."

"B-bb-b-bbb-bastard."

"Or I could come chip you loose when the cold snap breaks. I figure, what? This time next week?"

A dripping, kind of blue-ish, vibrating-a-bit face appeared above the front quarter panel and stared accusingly at me.

"I d-d-didn't n-n-nknow S-santa Cl-Clause was such-such a s-s-sum*****."

"Believe it. Into the back seat, Nanook. Let's go put you into a nice warm cell."

Merry Christmas, everyone!

LawDog

TheBluesMan · December 13, 2006, 12:38 AM

Another instant classic. Thanks, LawDog!

**Mal H** · December 13, 2006, 12:59 AM

That's a great one! I was laughing out loud picturing you turning the corner like a battleship.

Dave R · December 13, 2006, 01:33 AM

You made my christmas merrier. Thanks.

dfaugh · December 13, 2006, 10:17 AM

Well, I think that was just one of the best ones ever....

Some critter being chased by Santa over a skating....The mental images are just priceless.

fal308 · December 13, 2006, 11:57 AM

Christmas will now turn out all right as we have a new LawDog File

Al Norris · December 13, 2006, 12:10 PM

I sat here, at my computer, reading this story and snickering to myself. As I got to the end, I guess I was laughing a bit loudly... I woke up my wife. She came out of the bedroom, up the hall and looked at me. So... I started reading... She said, "Hod that thought!" and moved back down the hall. I paused in my reading.

When she came back, I told her to fetch her coffee cup and pull up a chair. I began reading to her again, from the interrupted paragraph. As Kathy got her coffee and tried to sit down in the chair, she almost sat on the floor, laughing. Seems she can't walk and laugh at LawDogs stories at the same time...

Now when I read anything from LawDog, I get this affectation. Ya see, I visited all my kin in Dallas back in '97 for three days. And anytime I read LawDog out loud, I get this deep Dallas drawl. And to make matters worse, I try to get that Dallas accent with small overtones of British South African mixed in. Sometimes it's almost impossible, but I manage. Anywho, she decides that now she can't drink coffee and laugh at the same time!

She sets down her cup and simply sits there giggling and laughing and stomping her feet.

Yup. Another instant classic!

Smokey Joe · December 13, 2006, 03:43 PM

Yeah, we get 'em here Up Norf once in a while, but we jest call 'em "ice storms''--happens when rain at 32°+ a little comes down all over the land which is at 32°-. The ice can get more than an inch thick in rare cases, all over everything. When it does we settle in for a day or so of driving and walking with extreme care, if at all. Electric lines falling, tree branches falling, grandmothers falling, autos pirouetting through intersections. It's fun to watch if you're not in LE or the FD, or work for the utilities. Or drive a tow truck.

When first I saw yr opening paragraphs I thought perhaps a certain 'possum from 1950's comics had migrated west and become vicious.

Questions: Did the miscreant ever admit to WHY he wanted a Joseph (or a Wise Man)? Did yr Sheltie ever forgive the ladies who "dressed her up?"

Anyhow, THX once again for sharing the (mis)adventures of a TX sheriff's deputy. Yr writing just gets better over the years.

Any .45 · January 30, 2009, 09:17 PM

Just bringing out some old lawdog files. Where is the book lawdog? Loved the long awaited conclusion to the pink gorilla suit, thanks for the well needed and much appreciated laughs. I can read the lawdog files 100 times and still laugh my tail off everytime, I had to stop doing it work got a bit loud the other day..... God bless......

globemaster3 · January 30, 2009, 10:31 PM

I honestly tried to read it to my wife, but between my laughing so hard I was crying and hurting simultaneously, she just didn't see it as funny as I.

The water was ingenious! Can we consider that a new "non-lethal" weapon?

December 12, 2006, 09:09 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,194	The LawDog Files (Christmas Edition) Show of paws here: how many people know what a pogonip is? For the unwary, a pogonip is also called an ice-fog and is basically a thick blanket of winter fog that freezes on contact with anything solid, forming a super-slick rime of ice up to several inches thick. Okay. As penance for my brutal assassination of Santa Claus the year before, the Sheriff had graciously allowed me to be volunteered to play the Jolly Olde Elf at the town Christmas pageant. The suit was a wonder. Even wearing armour and a gun-belt, I still disappeared in the deep, dark depths. This little problem was solved by the addition of several pillows from the trustee cell and three crumpled editions of the Sunday Dallas Morning News. The boots were actually overshoes, which velcro-ed quite nicely over my ropers, and the issue beard was tossed in favour of something dug up by the Chief Dispatcher (who also did the wardrobe for the town theatre group), said dispatcher promptly gluing the beard to my face with some kind of clear adhesive which she assured me would come off quite easily once the performance was over. Lying heifer. Anyhoo, I pulled on the supplied mittens, extracted my 22-year-old-Sheltie from under the Dispatch desk (the ladies in the office had given her a Christmas-themed sweater, put bows on her ears and painted her toenails in sparkly red-and-green hues) and drove my cruiser over to the Fire Department. The night before, our area of West Texas had received one of the rare pogonip fogs, which had rendered the entire area about as slick as a greased hockey rink. I didn't realize how slick everything was, until I wallowed out of the cruiser and slammed the door, which sent the cruiser sliding slowly about a foot left ... and into the gutter. sigh Anyhoo, I rode the brand new pumper truck over to the courthouse, did the "Ho, ho, ho" thing, got my lap wore out, everyone exclaimed over my Sheltie and she suffered herself to have many, many pictures taken with various personages...a generally good day. After the festivities, I discovered that the guys at the FD had been nice enough to pull my cruiser out of the rain gutter...twice. I plunked the dog into the side seat, shoehorned myself behind the wheel and was gingerly inching my way home, when... You guessed it. The radio went off. Burglary in progress at one of the local churches. I pull up to the church, and mindful of my experience at the Fire Station, I get out of the cruiser, but I don't close the door. Parked in front of the church is a pick-up truck, engine still running. Across the street is a little old gentleman with an absolutely huge mustache, holding a cordless phone and giving me the old hairy eyeball. I immediately assume that the gentleman with the phone is most probably the Reporting Party, and I start to waddle across the street to get more information, when I notice that someone is in the act of walking from the front lawn of the church to the pick-up truck, and the person is carrying one of the figurines from the outdoor Nativity scene. This kind of strikes me as odd, so I holler, "Sheriff's Office, may I have a word with you?" The old boy heisting Joseph (or maybe one of the Wise Men - I never was real sure), immediately drops the purloined porcelain and takes off at a high-speed shuffle for the pick-up. Deciding that I really, really wanted to have a talk with that critter, I also kick into (sorta) high gear for the truck. He gets there first, snags onto the side mirror, pirouettes a couple of times and goes ass over tin cups onto the street -- -- just before my feet abruptly kick out from under me and down I go. God bless the Dallas paper, I couldn't have been better padded if NASA had given it a try. I roll over and start pushing myself to my feet, when the critter rights himself, glances over at me and starts a high-speed slide/crawl to the curb. Once on the chapel yard, he finds (somewhat) better traction and abruptly takes off at a dead sprint, me breathing down his neck. At the corner, he pulls a sneaky. Since he hasn't slowed, I figure we're for a full sprint down the block, but he puts out an arm, grabs the guy-line for the telephone pole and makes an abrupt right turn. While this is, indeed, a good move, unfortunately it dumps him on his fourth point of contact and the critter slides a good 10 yards down the street. Not having benefit of the guy-line, I turn right much like a battleship under full steam: I use the entire street and most of the yard across the street just to change direction, said extra room giving the afore-mentioned critter enough time to scramble to his feet and head back the way we came. Apparently, I was still a bit too close for comfort because the critter ran past his pick-up without even slowing down. Which put him on a direct course for my cruiser. With the drivers side door open. I could almost see the 25-watt bulb light up over his head as he Got An Idea. Visions of dog-napped Shelties suddenly coursed across my minds eye. Not to mention the thought of having a fully-equipped Sheriff's Office cruiser stolen out from under my nose, of course, but priorities and all. Fortunately, my Sheltie chose that moment to daintily step into the driver seat, fix the approaching critter with a gimlet eye, and utter a short, sharp "Ah'm wee, but Ah'm wickit" bark -- thus causing my critter to lock up the brakes, his legs shoot out from under him and he slides under my cruiser, slick as a pin. My last desperate grab for the Manger Bandit cost me my balance, and I hit the ice, sliding along at full speed, and scrabbling frantically at the ice, because my visions of a dog-napped pooch had been replaced by visions of my over-loaded butt slamming into the cruiser and sliding the whole enchilada into the gutter -- crushing my critter along the way. By the grace of God, I narrowly missed my cruiser and slammed into the gutter -- not as bad as it sounds, due to the extensive Santa padding -- spun about and there is my critter, staring at from under the cruiser about ten feet away. "Right then, boyo," I snarled, "You're nicked. Let's go." My critter blinked at me in utter incomprehension. "What?" "You're under arrest. Let's go." "No" sayeth the critter. Now it was my turn to blink in confusion. "What?" I snappily replied. The critter turned over and got a couple of good handholds on the undercarriage of my cruiser. "Make me." I pushed myself to my feet and stomped over to the cruiser. "You're under arrest." I gritted through clenched teeth, "Get out from under there!" "Work for it, fat man." sigh I was digging past umpteen pillows and the Lifestyle section of the Dallas paper trying to lay a paw on my pepper-spray, when my gaze happened to land upon ... ... it. There. In all its glory. Not twenty feet from the front bumper of my cruiser. Left over from the heady Frontier Past of the city: A horse trough. I happily, one might even go so far as to say joyously, ambled up to said horse trough, peered over the side -- and it was full of water, with only a three-inch thick crust of ice over the top. I'll have you know that I was wearing a full Santa Clause beard glued to my face, so anyone who testifies that I was "Grinning like an ape" as the stopper gave way is obviously mistaken. I ambled back to the cruiser, watching my Very Own Tidal Wave creep down the gutter and said, gently, "Time to come out from under the car." "Don't you have an elf to play with?" "It would really be in your best interests to come out." "What are you going to do? Put coal in my sto -- HOOOOoooo WHoooaaaa Ohohoho Haaaa! Haa! Huh-huh-huh!" I tugged reflectively upon the beard. Yep. Between a combination of Panhandle winter wind and three quarts of glue, it was stuck but good. Under the cruiser the yodelling briefly died down to a series of gasps, but a sudden soprano shriek signaled, I thought, the infiltration of Polar water into the underwear area. The impromptu yodel-fest died down to noises strongly reminiscent of a rapid-fire castanets, so I cleared my throat gently and remarked, "There's hot coffee down at the jail, dry clothes and a warm bunk." "B-bb-b-bbb-bastard." "Or I could come chip you loose when the cold snap breaks. I figure, what? This time next week?" A dripping, kind of blue-ish, vibrating-a-bit face appeared above the front quarter panel and stared accusingly at me. "I d-d-didn't n-n-nknow S-santa Cl-Clause was such-such a s-s-sum****." "Believe it. Into the back seat, Nanook. Let's go put you into a nice warm cell." Merry Christmas, everyone! LawDog __________________ "The Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer." --The 13th Warrior* Bona na Croin The LawDog Files

December 13, 2006, 03:43 PM	#8
Smokey Joe Senior Member Join Date: July 14, 2001 Location: State of Confusion Posts: 2,106	Pogonip, eh? Yeah, we get 'em here Up Norf once in a while, but we jest call 'em "ice storms''--happens when rain at 32°+ a little comes down all over the land which is at 32°-. The ice can get more than an inch thick in rare cases, all over everything. When it does we settle in for a day or so of driving and walking with extreme care, if at all. Electric lines falling, tree branches falling, grandmothers falling, autos pirouetting through intersections. It's fun to watch if you're not in LE or the FD, or work for the utilities. Or drive a tow truck. When first I saw yr opening paragraphs I thought perhaps a certain 'possum from 1950's comics had migrated west and become vicious. Questions: Did the miscreant ever admit to WHY he wanted a Joseph (or a Wise Man)? Did yr Sheltie ever forgive the ladies who "dressed her up?" Anyhow, THX once again for sharing the (mis)adventures of a TX sheriff's deputy. Yr writing just gets better over the years.

January 30, 2009, 09:17 PM	#9
Any .45 Senior Member Join Date: June 21, 2004 Location: SW FLORIDA, USA Posts: 604	Just bringing out some old lawdog files. Where is the book lawdog? Loved the long awaited conclusion to the pink gorilla suit, thanks for the well needed and much appreciated laughs. I can read the lawdog files 100 times and still laugh my tail off everytime, I had to stop doing it work got a bit loud the other day..... God bless...... Last edited by Any .45; January 30, 2009 at 09:18 PM. Reason: misspelling

December 13, 2006, 12:38 AM	#2
TheBluesMan Moderator Emeritus Join Date: June 15, 1999 Location: Ohio Posts: 7,558	Another instant classic. Thanks, LawDog!

December 13, 2006, 12:59 AM	#3
Mal H Staff Join Date: March 20, 1999 Location: Somewhere in the woods of Northern Virginia Posts: 17,067	That's a great one! I was laughing out loud picturing you turning the corner like a battleship.

December 13, 2006, 01:33 AM	#4
Dave R Senior Member Join Date: January 7, 2000 Location: Idaho Posts: 6,073	You made my christmas merrier. Thanks.

December 13, 2006, 10:17 AM	#5
dfaugh Senior Member Join Date: January 17, 2002 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 1,715	Well, I think that was just one of the best ones ever.... Some critter being chased by Santa over a skating....The mental images are just priceless.

December 13, 2006, 11:57 AM	#6
fal308 Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 12, 1998 Location: Missouri Posts: 1,992	Christmas will now turn out all right as we have a new LawDog File

December 13, 2006, 12:10 PM	#7
Al Norris Moderator Emeritus Join Date: June 29, 2000 Location: Rupert, Idaho Posts: 9,659	I sat here, at my computer, reading this story and snickering to myself. As I got to the end, I guess I was laughing a bit loudly... I woke up my wife. She came out of the bedroom, up the hall and looked at me. So... I started reading... She said, "Hod that thought!" and moved back down the hall. I paused in my reading. When she came back, I told her to fetch her coffee cup and pull up a chair. I began reading to her again, from the interrupted paragraph. As Kathy got her coffee and tried to sit down in the chair, she almost sat on the floor, laughing. Seems she can't walk and laugh at LawDogs stories at the same time... Now when I read anything from LawDog, I get this affectation. Ya see, I visited all my kin in Dallas back in '97 for three days. And anytime I read LawDog out loud, I get this deep Dallas drawl. And to make matters worse, I try to get that Dallas accent with small overtones of British South African mixed in. Sometimes it's almost impossible, but I manage. Anywho, she decides that now she can't drink coffee and laugh at the same time! She sets down her cup and simply sits there giggling and laughing and stomping her feet. Yup. Another instant classic!

January 30, 2009, 10:31 PM	#10
globemaster3 Senior Member Join Date: January 28, 2006 Posts: 1,482	I honestly tried to read it to my wife, but between my laughing so hard I was crying and hurting simultaneously, she just didn't see it as funny as I. The water was ingenious! Can we consider that a new "non-lethal" weapon?