Share a gun joke...

gbclarkson · August 7, 2020, 10:13 AM

I came across this one today:

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

gbclarkson · August 7, 2020, 10:14 AM

Why did the cowboy cry during art class?

He couldn't draw his gun.

aarondhgraham · August 7, 2020, 11:53 AM

3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it.

The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame.

The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor,
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“The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle her.”

Aarond

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**44 AMP** · August 7, 2020, 01:10 PM

A cop stops a car with a little old lady driving, asks if there are any weapons in the vehicle. Lady says. "why, yes, I've got a 9mm in the glovebox, a .45 in the console, and I'm wearing a .38 concealed...."

Cop says "geez lady, what are you afraid of???"

She replies, "Not a damn thing, officer!"

TXAZ · August 7, 2020, 01:19 PM

“Gun Controlled city”.

7.62 man · August 7, 2020, 01:25 PM

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Democrat & a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.” LOL

USAFNoDak · August 7, 2020, 04:46 PM

A man knocks on the door of a residence. The homeowner, a man, comes to the door. The man who knocked says, "I'm taking a political survey. How do you feel about civilian gun ownership and the right to keep and bear arms as protected by our 2nd A.? "

The homeowner, an anti gun type, replies:" I don't think people should be allowed to have guns. Only the police, the government, and the military should be allowed to have guns."

The guy who knocked pulls out a handgun and says, "Great. Now hand over all of the valuables in your house along with your wallet and the keys to that nice BMW in the driveway."

Armybrat · August 7, 2020, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 44 AMP

A cop stops a car with a little old lady driving, asks if there are any weapons in the vehicle. Lady says. "why, yes, I've got a 9mm in the glovebox, a .45 in the console, and I'm wearing a .38 concealed...."

Cop says "geez lady, what are you afraid of???"

She replies, "Not a damn thing, officer!"

Sounds like my son’s ex-MIL.
She carried 3 handguns when riding her Harley Hog.

DaleA · August 8, 2020, 03:49 PM

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Hunter: I'm out in the woods and I heard a noise in the bushes and I fired my gun and it was another hunter and I think he's dead!
911 Operator: Well go over and make sure.
(Bang! Bang!)
Hunter: Okay. Now what?

(Yeah, it's old but so am I.)

7.62 man · August 8, 2020, 04:16 PM

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful. LOL

MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun.

A detective was heard to say" I guess this case is already sewn up." LOL

**44 AMP** · August 8, 2020, 05:53 PM

burglar breaks into a Quaker's house and is putting the family silver in his sack when he hears a noise. Turning, he sees the Quaker with his fowling piece leveled...

Undaunted, knowing he's safe, he taunts the homeowner...

"thou cans't shoot me, thou art a Quaker!"

To which the Quaker replies..

"prithee, brother, I would not harm thee for the world, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot!!"

Guy hears a noise, middle of the night, looks out his upstairs bedroom window, sees someone trying to break into his garage. Calls the cops. Dispatcher tells him all units are busy and it would be at least 20 minutes before there could be a response. He hangs up. 2 minutes later, he calls the police dispatcher and tells them, "no rush, I just shot the prowler."

2 minutes later 3 squad cars scream in to the scene and catch the thief in the act. A bit after, the cops are talking to the homeowner and one says "dispatch said you shot the guy!!!" To which he replies, "dispatch told me you couldn't get here for 20 minutes!"

mikejonestkd · August 9, 2020, 10:02 AM

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

mikejonestkd · August 9, 2020, 10:03 AM

What kind of gun does Chuck Norris use?

He doesn't use a gun.

He puts bullets into criminals by hand.

natman · August 9, 2020, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7.62 man

MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun.

A detective was heard to say" I guess this case is already sewn up." LOL

Very funny joke. It had him in stitches.

DaleA · August 9, 2020, 02:55 PM

Quote:

MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun.

Traumatic sure, but after being shot with an upholstery gun that many times he could be completely recovered.

gbclarkson · August 9, 2020, 03:07 PM

I can't find salt shells for my AR. I can only find 12-gauge salt shells. I really want .556 salt shells so I can shoot...
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wait for it...
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A salt rifle.

aarondhgraham · August 12, 2020, 10:59 AM

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer,,,
I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Aarond

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MisterCrabby · August 12, 2020, 01:21 PM

Man walks into the bar waving a .38 revolver and yells, “I hear my wife’s been fooling around with someone in this bar and they’re gonna get a bullet!.”

Old man turns away from his beer and says, “Well son, that’s understandable, but from what I know, you’re going to need more ammo.”

veprdude · August 13, 2020, 02:49 AM

A man from New York goes dove hunting on a lease in Texas. He shoots a dove and it lands across the property line on a farmer's field. He steps over the barbed wire to retrieve the dove and is met by the farmer. The hunter insists that the dove is his because he shot it on the lease. The farmer insists that it's his dove because it landed on the farmer's property. An argument ensues.

The farmer says "Well since we're in Texas, these kind of disputes are decided by the One-Kick Rule."

The hunter asks "What is the One-Kick Rule"

The farmer replies "Each party gets to kick the other in the nuts until the other side concedes."

The hunter says "Well that sounds fair enough. I want that dove!"

The farmer replies "Since it's on my property, I get the first kick"

The farmer proceeds to kick the hunter squarely in the crotch. The hunter keels over and a few minutes pass. He stands up and says "Ok farmer. It's my turn!!"

The farmer calmly replies "I concede. You can keep the dove."

WeedWacker · August 15, 2020, 12:01 PM

A man wanted to get into hunting so he took all the courses and read all the books and articles he could. During the hunter education course he was told that if he ever got lost he should fire three shots in rapid succession to let everyone know he was lost.

Well, the big day came and he walked out into the woods for his first hunt. And wouldn't you know it, he got lost. Days go by and his wife calls the police and they organize a search party. Funny thing is they find him. Funnier still, the volunteer who found him was his hunter education instructor.

"Did you pay attention to what I told you to do when you got lost?" asked the instructor.

"Yes," the man replied, "I made a shelter, rationed my food and fired three shots in the air."

"Why didn't you fire three more when nobody came to help?"

"I did! I fired until I was all out of arrows!!"

bamaranger · August 16, 2020, 11:18 PM

Two guys, tenderfoots, go hunting. They get lost. One states..

" I've heard that if you shoot 3 times, it's a distress signal, and help may find you. I'll go first."

So over the next few hours they did just that, taking turns. Eventually one says to the other...."Shoot, it's your turn."

"Can't"........ says his pal...."Out of arrows".

jonnyc · August 18, 2020, 12:42 PM

A guy goes into the forest, fires 3 arrows, and then dies.

Next.

ghbucky · August 19, 2020, 08:20 AM

This thread has been hijacked by the archery conspirators!

jonnyc · August 19, 2020, 09:42 PM

No, just guys who post without reading...

TXAZ · August 20, 2020, 08:13 AM

Gun Joke:

Suppressing a .50.

(Now we’re back on track.)

August 7, 2020, 10:13 AM	#1
gbclarkson Senior Member Join Date: January 4, 2014 Location: None of yer business, sonny Posts: 440	Share a gun joke... I came across this one today: An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

August 7, 2020, 11:53 AM	#3
aarondhgraham Senior Member Join Date: December 1, 2009 Location: Stillwater, OKlahoma Posts: 8,638	3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle her.” Aarond . __________________ Never ever give an enemy the advantage of a verbal threat. Caje: The coward dies a thousand times, the brave only once. Kirby: That's about all it takes, ain't it? Aarond is good,,, Aarond is wise,,, Always trust Aarond! (most of the time)

August 7, 2020, 01:10 PM	#4
44 AMP Staff Join Date: March 11, 2006 Location: Upper US Posts: 28,818	A cop stops a car with a little old lady driving, asks if there are any weapons in the vehicle. Lady says. "why, yes, I've got a 9mm in the glovebox, a .45 in the console, and I'm wearing a .38 concealed...." Cop says "geez lady, what are you afraid of???" She replies, "Not a damn thing, officer!" __________________ All else being equal (and it almost never is) bigger bullets tend to work better.

August 7, 2020, 01:19 PM	#5
TXAZ Senior Member Join Date: September 5, 2010 Location: McMurdo Sound Texas Posts: 4,322	“Gun Controlled city”. __________________ Cave illos in guns et backhoes

August 7, 2020, 04:46 PM	#7
USAFNoDak Senior Member Join Date: August 21, 2000 Location: Minnesota, Twin Cities Posts: 1,076	A man knocks on the door of a residence. The homeowner, a man, comes to the door. The man who knocked says, "I'm taking a political survey. How do you feel about civilian gun ownership and the right to keep and bear arms as protected by our 2nd A.? " The homeowner, an anti gun type, replies:" I don't think people should be allowed to have guns. Only the police, the government, and the military should be allowed to have guns." The guy who knocked pulls out a handgun and says, "Great. Now hand over all of the valuables in your house along with your wallet and the keys to that nice BMW in the driveway." __________________ "If you love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen." Samuel Adams.

August 7, 2020, 10:14 AM	#2
gbclarkson Senior Member Join Date: January 4, 2014 Location: None of yer business, sonny Posts: 440	Why did the cowboy cry during art class? He couldn't draw his gun.

August 7, 2020, 01:25 PM	#6
7.62 man Senior Member Join Date: April 30, 2009 Location: Cyber-world USA Posts: 258	A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Democrat & a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.” LOL

August 8, 2020, 03:49 PM	#9
DaleA Senior Member Join Date: September 12, 2002 Location: Twin Cities, MN Posts: 5,312	911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Hunter: I'm out in the woods and I heard a noise in the bushes and I fired my gun and it was another hunter and I think he's dead! 911 Operator: Well go over and make sure. (Bang! Bang!) Hunter: Okay. Now what? (Yeah, it's old but so am I.)

August 8, 2020, 04:16 PM	#10
7.62 man Senior Member Join Date: April 30, 2009 Location: Cyber-world USA Posts: 258	I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful. LOL MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun. A detective was heard to say" I guess this case is already sewn up." LOL Last edited by 7.62 man; August 8, 2020 at 04:24 PM.

August 8, 2020, 05:53 PM	#11
44 AMP Staff Join Date: March 11, 2006 Location: Upper US Posts: 28,818	burglar breaks into a Quaker's house and is putting the family silver in his sack when he hears a noise. Turning, he sees the Quaker with his fowling piece leveled... Undaunted, knowing he's safe, he taunts the homeowner... "thou cans't shoot me, thou art a Quaker!" To which the Quaker replies.. "prithee, brother, I would not harm thee for the world, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot!!" Guy hears a noise, middle of the night, looks out his upstairs bedroom window, sees someone trying to break into his garage. Calls the cops. Dispatcher tells him all units are busy and it would be at least 20 minutes before there could be a response. He hangs up. 2 minutes later, he calls the police dispatcher and tells them, "no rush, I just shot the prowler." 2 minutes later 3 squad cars scream in to the scene and catch the thief in the act. A bit after, the cops are talking to the homeowner and one says "dispatch said you shot the guy!!!" To which he replies, "dispatch told me you couldn't get here for 20 minutes!" __________________ All else being equal (and it almost never is) bigger bullets tend to work better.

August 9, 2020, 10:02 AM	#12
mikejonestkd Senior Member Join Date: January 3, 2006 Location: Brockport, NY Posts: 3,716	You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry. __________________ You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

August 9, 2020, 10:03 AM	#13
mikejonestkd Senior Member Join Date: January 3, 2006 Location: Brockport, NY Posts: 3,716	What kind of gun does Chuck Norris use? He doesn't use a gun. He puts bullets into criminals by hand. __________________ You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

August 9, 2020, 03:07 PM	#16
gbclarkson Senior Member Join Date: January 4, 2014 Location: None of yer business, sonny Posts: 440	I can't find salt shells for my AR. I can only find 12-gauge salt shells. I really want .556 salt shells so I can shoot... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . wait for it... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A salt rifle.

August 12, 2020, 10:59 AM	#17
aarondhgraham Senior Member Join Date: December 1, 2009 Location: Stillwater, OKlahoma Posts: 8,638	The government offered to buy my guns from me. But after a thorough background check of the buyer,,, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime. Aarond . __________________ Never ever give an enemy the advantage of a verbal threat. Caje: The coward dies a thousand times, the brave only once. Kirby: That's about all it takes, ain't it? Aarond is good,,, Aarond is wise,,, Always trust Aarond! (most of the time)

August 12, 2020, 01:21 PM	#18
MisterCrabby Member Join Date: August 16, 2018 Posts: 90	Man walks into the bar waving a .38 revolver and yells, “I hear my wife’s been fooling around with someone in this bar and they’re gonna get a bullet!.” Old man turns away from his beer and says, “Well son, that’s understandable, but from what I know, you’re going to need more ammo.”

August 13, 2020, 02:49 AM	#19
veprdude Senior Member Join Date: March 18, 2019 Location: Texas Posts: 429	A man from New York goes dove hunting on a lease in Texas. He shoots a dove and it lands across the property line on a farmer's field. He steps over the barbed wire to retrieve the dove and is met by the farmer. The hunter insists that the dove is his because he shot it on the lease. The farmer insists that it's his dove because it landed on the farmer's property. An argument ensues. The farmer says "Well since we're in Texas, these kind of disputes are decided by the One-Kick Rule." The hunter asks "What is the One-Kick Rule" The farmer replies "Each party gets to kick the other in the nuts until the other side concedes." The hunter says "Well that sounds fair enough. I want that dove!" The farmer replies "Since it's on my property, I get the first kick" The farmer proceeds to kick the hunter squarely in the crotch. The hunter keels over and a few minutes pass. He stands up and says "Ok farmer. It's my turn!!" The farmer calmly replies "I concede. You can keep the dove."

August 15, 2020, 12:01 PM	#20
WeedWacker Senior Member Join Date: December 13, 2006 Location: Body: Clarkston, Washington. Soul: LaCrosse, Wisconsin Posts: 1,591	A man wanted to get into hunting so he took all the courses and read all the books and articles he could. During the hunter education course he was told that if he ever got lost he should fire three shots in rapid succession to let everyone know he was lost. Well, the big day came and he walked out into the woods for his first hunt. And wouldn't you know it, he got lost. Days go by and his wife calls the police and they organize a search party. Funny thing is they find him. Funnier still, the volunteer who found him was his hunter education instructor. "Did you pay attention to what I told you to do when you got lost?" asked the instructor. "Yes," the man replied, "I made a shelter, rationed my food and fired three shots in the air." "Why didn't you fire three more when nobody came to help?" "I did! I fired until I was all out of arrows!!" __________________ - Jon Disequilibrium facilitates accommodation. 9mm vs .45 ACP? The answer is .429

August 16, 2020, 11:18 PM	#21
bamaranger Senior Member Join Date: October 9, 2009 Location: North Alabama Posts: 8,302	lost Two guys, tenderfoots, go hunting. They get lost. One states.. " I've heard that if you shoot 3 times, it's a distress signal, and help may find you. I'll go first." So over the next few hours they did just that, taking turns. Eventually one says to the other...."Shoot, it's your turn." "Can't"........ says his pal...."Out of arrows".

August 18, 2020, 12:42 PM	#22
jonnyc Senior Member Join Date: July 20, 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,731	A guy goes into the forest, fires 3 arrows, and then dies. Next. __________________ 2024 PA Cartridge Collector Show; Aug. 16-17, 2024!!! Buy...Sell...Trade All Types of Ammunition & Ordnance PM or email me for 2024 show details.

August 19, 2020, 08:20 AM	#23
ghbucky Senior Member Join Date: June 12, 2020 Posts: 1,177	This thread has been hijacked by the archery conspirators!

August 19, 2020, 09:42 PM	#24
jonnyc Senior Member Join Date: July 20, 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,731	No, just guys who post without reading... __________________ 2024 PA Cartridge Collector Show; Aug. 16-17, 2024!!! Buy...Sell...Trade All Types of Ammunition & Ordnance PM or email me for 2024 show details.

August 20, 2020, 08:13 AM	#25
TXAZ Senior Member Join Date: September 5, 2010 Location: McMurdo Sound Texas Posts: 4,322	Gun Joke: Suppressing a .50. (Now we’re back on track.) __________________ Cave illos in guns et backhoes