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animal · December 2, 2000, 04:24 AM

I really hate to "spill my guts", but I've been into the Maker's Mark tonight and I've been wondering about this for a long time...
When I was a teenager, I stopped a man from beating his girlfriend (in my driveway) by a kick to the solar plexus.
She ran across the street. He coughed and sputtered a bit, got up, and advanced ! I pulled my pistol, warned him that if he were to come closer I would consider him to be threatening my life and that I would fire. (I don't know how I did this but somehow I said it.) He stopped, cursed me, and went to his car. I followed and covered him until he opened the car door (I was afraid that he might have a weapon in the car.) whereupon he noticed my actions and turned to face me. As he again advanced, the police arrived. To make a long story short, they arrested him.
At the time (as now), I KNEW that I could kill him. I had the skill to place the shot. Legally, I was in the clear. I would have been protecting my life while in the process of stopping a felony in progress.
The problem I have is that I WANTED to kill him ...with every fibre of my being. I felt like begging him to give me a legal reason to fire. I truly wanted to rid the world of this vermin.
I had prepared myself for confrontation. I had no doubt that I could use deadly force to protect myself and family. I had the skills necessary for defense but I had never before thought of the emotional consequences of such action. Now I sit in front of a computer 20 years later looking for validation from people I don't even know.
I am normally a peaceful man. I do not willingly hurt anyone. I try to help people, not hurt them.
I had always thought that a deadly force situation would be a kill or be killed affair... a grim duty with no emotion involved. At most, I had thought there would be a sense of regret afterwards at the taking of a life. I had not bargained for the "guilt of desire".
In the end, I did not fire. He served 7 yrs. in Parchman Prison (for 56 counts of "assault with intent" - they counted her bruises)and was released. A few years ago, he returned to the State Pen. on other convictions.

My dilemma is this : As I see it, whether he lived or died is immaterial. My feelings of guilt stem from my earnest desire to harm another human being. Had this been a quick "kill or be killed" scnario, I could have handled it better (I know this from later experience).
Are there others that see things this way? Killing another to protect yourself and yours is justified but does having the DESIRE to kill qualify as evil?

Do others feel guilt for WANTING to harm the bad guys?

December 2, 2000, 04:24 AM	#1
animal Senior Member Join Date: April 28, 2000 Location: Mississippi Posts: 705	I really hate to "spill my guts", but I've been into the Maker's Mark tonight and I've been wondering about this for a long time... When I was a teenager, I stopped a man from beating his girlfriend (in my driveway) by a kick to the solar plexus. She ran across the street. He coughed and sputtered a bit, got up, and advanced ! I pulled my pistol, warned him that if he were to come closer I would consider him to be threatening my life and that I would fire. (I don't know how I did this but somehow I said it.) He stopped, cursed me, and went to his car. I followed and covered him until he opened the car door (I was afraid that he might have a weapon in the car.) whereupon he noticed my actions and turned to face me. As he again advanced, the police arrived. To make a long story short, they arrested him. At the time (as now), I KNEW that I could kill him. I had the skill to place the shot. Legally, I was in the clear. I would have been protecting my life while in the process of stopping a felony in progress. The problem I have is that I WANTED to kill him ...with every fibre of my being. I felt like begging him to give me a legal reason to fire. I truly wanted to rid the world of this vermin. I had prepared myself for confrontation. I had no doubt that I could use deadly force to protect myself and family. I had the skills necessary for defense but I had never before thought of the emotional consequences of such action. Now I sit in front of a computer 20 years later looking for validation from people I don't even know. I am normally a peaceful man. I do not willingly hurt anyone. I try to help people, not hurt them. I had always thought that a deadly force situation would be a kill or be killed affair... a grim duty with no emotion involved. At most, I had thought there would be a sense of regret afterwards at the taking of a life. I had not bargained for the "guilt of desire". In the end, I did not fire. He served 7 yrs. in Parchman Prison (for 56 counts of "assault with intent" - they counted her bruises)and was released. A few years ago, he returned to the State Pen. on other convictions. My dilemma is this : As I see it, whether he lived or died is immaterial. My feelings of guilt stem from my earnest desire to harm another human being. Had this been a quick "kill or be killed" scnario, I could have handled it better (I know this from later experience). Are there others that see things this way? Killing another to protect yourself and yours is justified but does having the DESIRE to kill qualify as evil? Do others feel guilt for WANTING to harm the bad guys?