View Full Version : A Polar Bear Indeed!

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
November 30, 2007, 10:38 PM
When I flayed myself upon my bunk at the end of a long shift on the ice last morning I realized that someone else had previosly been there... the bunk was warm and covered with while hair.

"Polar bear!" I yelled to young Blerophon, my assistant, and dove for my rifle!

Just as I came to have it in my grasp I was projected most unpleasantly across the shack by the impact of something enormous and white! The bastard had been hiding somewhere behind the rack of seal-meat, partaking ravenously I suspect.
As I lay on the floor I heard the cries of poor Blerophon as the bear seized him with his massive paws. Terrible... Terrible...
All I could do was empty my rifle loudly and pray for Jesus to stay the beast's strike. Alas, Jesus was not interested in artic games and Blerophon has lost most of his left arm. His right leg, badly bitten, has taken to hanging at an unfortunate angle and will proceed to gangrene most swiftly.

What may a poor explorer do to prevent the horrors of the great white bear? My shack is not sturdy and we can not keep up with our tasks under such abuse...

Have you people ever endeavoured to make a trap for monsterous bear who seek to tread in your home?

December 1, 2007, 12:01 AM
Welcome to the TFL Dr. OY, at least you are a long way from Polar Bears down there in the sun. Watch out for them nasty little penguins, hate to hear of an infected wound caused by their pecking.:D

By the way I'd like to hear the rest of the story, to paraphrase Paul Harvey.

December 1, 2007, 12:03 AM
Was going to say the same thing, but Taylor beat me to it.. I don't know what kind of polar bears you're seeing down in Antartica, but you should get ahold of the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet as that would be quite a find.

December 1, 2007, 12:16 AM
Wrong side of the earth Olie and thanks for the PM:cool:...

Highly creative...you can come back to reality now.....)

WildokAlaska TM

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
December 1, 2007, 12:49 AM
Aye, then it is as I worst feared. Could only be the wretched snow-ape. My glasses were shattered when he toppled me and Blerophon has not been able to speak since the attack...

He is soaking the wounds in spirits to wash away the poison of the snow-ape's despicable talons.

December 1, 2007, 01:04 AM
Is this supposed to be a joke?
Jokes are usually funny, did I miss somthing?

December 1, 2007, 01:42 AM
He is soaking the wounds in spirits to wash away the poison of the snow-ape's despicable talons.

Oh! I doubted you..I thought you said Polar bear...they dont live in Anarctica....but Snow Apes do! Horrible! I can see why you confused the tow as Snow Apes look at bit like a white Polar bear during the frenzy of their hideous attack!!

Nothing can wash away the poison of the Snow Ape, for it is a horriffic minion of Cthulu who is seething undead in his cavern below the ice! Your companion is doomed!

There is one faint hope if you can steel yourslef....Amputation...No...pull yourself together man, you must...you must...

Its his only hope....

WildiseeitallnowAlaska TM

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
December 1, 2007, 02:16 AM
Alright, I attempted the amputation but Blerophon has regained his strength. When I unpacked the bonesaw and ether he thrashed me and alighted out the door...

He was streming liquids from his mouth and making a horrible sound. He may have contracted an affliction from the beast.

Either Blerophon or the creature is now outside. I have reloaded.

As I can not see well now, if something comes through the door should I shoot or wait until I can identify my target?

Any delay could be fatal.

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
December 1, 2007, 02:30 AM
What would be the best caliber to use for protection from snow-apes and humans bitten by snow-apes and driven mad by the poison of its fang?

I have used a .30-30 so far, but the beast still lives.

December 1, 2007, 02:39 AM
.30-.30 are you kidding me? that's a poodle shooter, no sane person would use that to shoot a snow ape. It was designed to WOUND enemy coyotes so they would have to use 2 extra coyotes to carry it off the battle field. And i'm assuming that with .30 30 you're using a lever action? Well that is the most finiky unreliable rifle possible, i've heard of hunters actually throwing away their lever actions and picking up the clubs of the snow-apes because of the better penetration.

December 1, 2007, 02:42 AM
Only a Colt 1911 is effective against a minion of Cthulu. I remember once when a manifestation of Nyarlothep tried to rip into my tent while I was campled on the Plateau of Leng. The 1911 did quick work of that monster from beyond the stars!!

Yet Cthulu still sleeps.

Hold the Winchester. Get the Colt,,,do not wait...do not let the slavering beast in.....

We are praying for you.....the whole net is watching.....

WildthesuspenseistremendousAlaska TM

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
December 1, 2007, 03:34 AM
Blerophon came after me with a huge boulder and tried to flatten me. I shot him but he ran off again.

I believe now that the snow-apes are not an individual species, but instead they are humans who have been infected by the snow-ape affliction. This will be a scientific bonanza if I can yet survive. The effects of the disease were already obvious on Blerophon, he had increased in height by at least a meter and had grown some sort of white fur.

December 1, 2007, 04:32 AM
You have to melt down Susan B. Anthony dollars to pierce the heart of a foaming snow ape. A combination of Canadian loonies and English shilling will do the trick as well but I forget the exchange rate.
Remember all is not lost till the tentacles burst from their chests.
Have hope... be brave. . . buy bonds.

Dr. Olie Yarkshire
December 1, 2007, 04:41 AM
I have battled the great white apes again, but all is lost. One of them was badly wounded but without more armaments there is no hope. I can not tell Blerophon from the other one now, he has completed his transformation.

One of them set a diversion by scratching the wall with its claw, and while I was shooting at it the other one burst through the window behind me.He sank his poisonous fangs deep into my shoulder and it will not be long before I join them.

I am done for. Remember me, brothers, as the man who gave his all to fight the foul apes. If I had only an M2 machine-gun I would have been a hero of science! Instead, I can feel the fur growing, the teeth extending and sharpening...

Learn well from my tale and pray for my vile snow-ape soul.

Billy Sparks
December 1, 2007, 05:26 AM
What is the best caliber/gun for snow apes? A Gatling Gun chambered in 45/70 of course. That is the reason I drive a F250 extended cab pickup, I keep a Gatling Gun stowed in the bed in case of attack by snow apes, snow bears, zombies, rabid turkeys, werewolves or disgused girl scouts.

Art Eatman
December 1, 2007, 05:16 PM
Sounds like a bi-polar bear, to me...

roy reali
December 1, 2007, 11:24 PM
There are equally dangerous creatures towards the north end of the planet. There are rumors of blood thirsty, man-eating penguins up there. I wonder if WildAlaska has any experience with them?:eek:

December 1, 2007, 11:28 PM
There are equally dangerous creatures towards the north end of the planet. There are rumors of blood thirsty, man-eating penguins up there. I wonder if WildAlaska has any experience with them?

You're also on the wrong end of the globe, my friend ;)

December 1, 2007, 11:37 PM
You're also on the wrong end of the globe, my friend

no..because the filthy manifestation of Cthulu, the hideous Yog Shoggoth, sleeps the sleep of the damned in the pressure ridges of the North ice, and in oder to feast,as he must, on human flesh, he spews forth his bloodthirsty minions in the guise of vampire Penguins.

many has been the night in my cabin by the sea when old Urguukutuuk, whose eyes were torn from his head in a epic batle with these bloodthirsty mutant birds, sang the song of battle to me and reminded me that the sole defense against this legion of the damned is the .22 Hornet dipped in seal oil! And now, as the nights grow longer, I sit here watching the oil congealing on my handloads and listening....



They are coming......

WildlordsavemeAlaska TM

December 2, 2007, 10:42 AM
Snow apes? They love peanut butter. So the best thing to do is to dig a hole in the ice about 3 feet in diameter. Then you make a circle of peanut butter crackers all around it, about 3 inches from the hole. You hide in a convenient igloo and wait for the snow ape to appear and bend over to pick up a peanut butter cracker. Then you rush out of the igloo wearing your seven league boots and...you know the rest. :p

December 2, 2007, 06:46 PM
Sounds to me like he met up with Olga from the Volga from the Russian scientific station on Antartica. Yep, white hair, poisonous breath, biting, long fingernails, must be Olga. Best part of a bottle of Stolichnaya will drive her into a frenzy that no mere mortal man can satisfy. Two men, maybe, but not one.

Ah, yes, Mother Russia, where the men are manly and so are the women!!

December 2, 2007, 08:13 PM
HOLY WHA!!! I am in tears reading this bit of silliness!! I must rush out to the Antarctic to avenge the poor and untimely death of our two brave souls

Dr. Olie Yarkshire and Blerophon, Yea shall thee be avenged! I say onward fine chaps of TFL! We must go fourth to the Antarctic, and yea shall all thee TFL chaps thoust shall bring forth all manner of weapons of vengeance! And yea shall we manner of chaps, We shall go fourth and kill the beasties with the bad attitudes! ONWARD BRAVE SOULS!!! LET US BE EVER VENGEFUL IN OUR PURSUITS OF THE FEARSOME SNOW-APES!


roy reali
December 2, 2007, 09:41 PM
The timing couldn't be any better. Summer is coming up down there. We can all pack shorts and sun tan lotion.

December 3, 2007, 10:51 AM
this is awesome, keep it up, lolol

December 3, 2007, 02:19 PM
Nay to be Johnny Raincloud, alas, me hearties, nary a ship will be suffered by the Great Behemouth to take vengance on its prime comestible. As ye already know, said dreaded Snow Ape be only a morsel for the mounstrous Southern Ice Cracken.

The beastie in the cold water that lets loose is deathly tentacles and sweeps clean the ice of creatures, be they Snow Ape or man.

Go now and take vengence if you must,
but ye better be savvy with deaths cold arm 'round yer shoulders.

The Cracken awaits beneath said ice.

December 3, 2007, 04:59 PM
Isn't there some kind of white (polar) big foot? I'd swear I've heard of that before. They may inhabit Nebraska, too. They cause deer to jump away right before I take my shot. My missing can't be my fault. I used to blame my rifle on my misses, but now I'm quite sure it is this pure white bigfoot who is messing with the deer I'm trying to shoot. :D

December 3, 2007, 08:10 PM
Now that's ridiculous! Everybody knows Yetis are extinct!:eek:

Sasquatches on the other hand though...

December 3, 2007, 10:13 PM
Yeah, a yeti, I think that's it. Anyway, they are really irritating when they make you miss. Really irritating. Darned yetis.......

December 4, 2007, 06:52 AM
The only way to end this horror is to ditch the hybrids and jump in the biggest gas slurping suv or 68 Cadillac and melt those pesky ice caps that harbor these terrible creatures as quickly as we can. No ice, no ice monsters. Do it soon, it's for the children and adventurers marooned in the frozen wilderness.

Art Eatman
December 4, 2007, 08:12 AM
akviper began with, "The only way to end this horror is to..." and Art ended with, "...close this thread."