Cheesy Hunting Jokes Anyone?

[BooneHomes]

add one if you got one...no joke too cheesy!!!

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

[hogdogs]

The Federal Gubmint has changed the laws regarding the hunting of squirrels...

from now on you may only kill the bucks (males)...
W
A
I
T

F
O
R

I
T
!
!
!
!


To determine the sex of the squirrel, you just shake the tree and listen for his nuts to rattle...
:D
Brent

[rickyrick]

No Spring Pond Beaver lawsuit story please.

[davlandrum]

See, now you got my curiosity up...

OK, googled it. Pretty funny, and according to Snopes, actually true.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp

[waterfowler]

A guy goes hunting in the woods, and gets lost. The guy decides to use the three shot distress signal and fires three shots in the air. After an hour has gone by, he decides to shoot three more shots in the air. After another hour getting ready to shoot again, he says to himself " I hope someone comes because these are my last three arrows.

[hogdogs]

Two guys are out bird hunting just walking along when one of them keels over. So the first guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911
"Ya gotta help me my buddy just keeled over dead!"

"calm down, first lets make sure he's really dead" answers the operator.


".....BANG.......OK, now what?"

Brent

[hogdogs]

An Aggie was out in the woods hunting, when he happened upon a lovely, nubile young woman reclining suggestively by a lake. The young lady gives him a come-hither look, and motions for him to approach. The Aggie walks up and asks, "Are you game?" The young lady replies "Yes.", so he shot her....

Brent

[hogdogs]

Four friends got together for their first grizzly bear hunt and arrived at their cabin in a blinding snow storm so decided to have a few drinks and hope the blizzard cleared by morning.

They built a roaring fire and settled down to what turned out to be some serious drinking. As the evening wore on, three of the four hunters became more and more boisterous as to how great a hunter, they were and how they were going to handle their coming hunt. The fourth member of the party was very quiet and just listened to his buddies.

After several hours of drinking, the fourth hunter staggered over to the fireplace, picked up a short piece of firewood and stumbled over to the door. He flung the door open and said, "I don't care about this dern blizzard and I don't need a rifle, I'm gonna go get a bear right now. He disappeared into the swirling snow before anyone could stop him.

The three remaining hunters sat around worrying about their buddy but not enough to hinder their drinking.

The fourth hunter had gone several hundred yards, but progress was slow as the snowstorm was so thick he couldn't see 2 feet. He bumped into something warm and fuzzy, looked up into the jaws of the biggest maddest bear he ever imagined. Well, that sobered him up real quick, he spun and ran for the cabin, but the bear was gaining fast. The hunter reached the cabin door with the bear just a foot or two behind, he threw the door open and jumped to the side. The bear ran past him into the cabin and the hunter shouted, "You boys skin that one, I'll go get us another one."

[hogdogs]

A farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who came very highly recommended to catch the bear.

The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said, "Stay down here and I'll climb the tree, and shake the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I'll come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?"

The farmer nodded his head and asked, "But what is the shotgun for?"

The hunter replied, "Well, sometimes I fall off the tree. In that case, shoot the dog - fast!"

[hogdogs]

Fellow was deer hunting when he surprised a large grizzly bear. The bear charged and the hunter emptied his 30.30 at him but misses. The grizzly knocks the hunter to the ground but instead of killing him he "has his way" with him.
Now the hunter being humiliated and embarrassed swears revenge and the next week goes to the same part of the woods only this time he's armed with a 458 win mag. Once again he comes upon the same bear, expends all his ammo without hitting anything and once again the bear knocks him to the ground and "has his way" with the hunter.
Being doubly humiliated the hunter once again swears revenge and the next week shows up in the same spot armed with an M-60, RPG's and claymore mines. All his superior fire power is again wasted as he again misses his target.
The bear knocks him to the ground one more time but this time before having his way, he looks at the hunter and says;
"You don't really come here to hunt, do you?"

[hogdogs]

The game warden is getting a bit suspicious of the best fisherman in 3 counties, thinking he may be doing wrong, so he asks if he can come along to see how a real pro does it. The fisherman said that would be fine and they set out. The boat was launched and a spot was selected when the fisherman opened a tacklebox full of dynamite and lights a fuse. He tosses it over the side and BLAM water goes everywere, and fish are floating up. The game warden is beside himself, telling the guy how he is going to get locked up and his boat confiscated and on and on, while the ol boy pulls out another stick, lights it and hands it calmly to the game warden. The game warden asks just what the heck he did it for, to which the old fisherman simply asks "you gonna talk or you gonna FISH?!!"

[hogdogs]

Californian comes to Idaho to hunt elk. Can't find game. Finally, on the last day of the hunt, he is able to make a looong shot. Then made the long hike to tag it.

When he get there, there's a farmer standing over it. The Californian goes berserk. Swears and screams, "%^**, that's my elk! I paid a bazillion $$$ for this hunt, and this is my elk!"

Farmer backs of and says "OK, OK, just let me get my saddle off it."

[golfballshootr]

Beudreaux & Thibedeaux were out hunting in the piney woods when they stumble upon this deep looking hole.

Beudreaux says, how deep you reckon that hole is? Thibedeaux says, looks mighty deep cuz! Let's fine sumpin and throw in there.

So ole Thibedeaux see this old wheel and hefts it up and chunks it down the hole. About 2 seconds later, this goat comes barreling at them full speed, right into and down the hole!

Beudreaux says, wonder what that crazy thing was thinking running off in that hole like that. Thibedeaux says, can't never tell bout them goats.

So they take off walking some more when they run into this ole farmer. He ask them, either of you fellows see a goat tied to an old wheel around here? He's got this bad habit off getting out and running off, so I anchored him to that wheel to make finding him easier.

[youp]

A guy from the east was hunting in Alaska for the first time. He leaned his rifle against a tree and stepped away to relieve himself. He looked up to see a charging grizz. He took off best he could with his drawers around his ankles and made it to a small tree. He realized the bear could reach him and began to pray. When the bear got to the tree he dropped to his knees and folded his front paws. The hunter was over joyed, a Christian bear. Then he heard the bear "Bless us O Lord and these Thy gifts...

[hogdogs]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy venison steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John as he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. So they decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved that now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of venison cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his venison on the grill, saying, "You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, and now you are a fish."

[Fat White Boy]

4 buddies are on their annual deer hunt. The first night they are sitting around the fire having a beer when one of them cuts a nasty fart. The usual comments follow. A few minutes later, he does it again. The stench is awful. One of his friends says, "If you aren't careful, you are gonna fart your guts out!" Everyone has a good laugh. The next day, the hunters head out in different directions to hunt. The one with gas is having a slow day so he heads on back to camp. He gets back and decides to curl up under a tree to take a nap. One of the guys gets his deer and drags it back to camp. He sees the farter asleep. He guts his deer and pulls the gut pile over to where the guy is asleep and goes off in the woods to look for the others, They all come back to camp late in the afternoon to find the farter all hunched over holding himself up with a stick.

What happened they asked?

He says, "I woke up passing gas, looked down and saw I had farted my guts out! But, with the Grace of God and this stick, I got 'em back up where they belong..."

[hogdogs]

Thus far, I vote the one by FWB...
I read it to my lil' miss hogdogs and she could only reply with a "OHHH GAWD..."
Brent

[Art Eatman]

A couple of Aggies out for a hunt. One of them kills a nice buck; really big antlers. After field-dressing the deer, each one grabs a hind leg and they start dragging toward the truck

On the way, they meet a game warden. After the usual check for licenses and proper tagging, the warden comments, "If you'd drag him by the antlers, it would be an easier haul."

This makes sense, so they change grips. All goes well for a while. Then one says to the other, "Hey, that feller is pretty smart. This sure is a lot easier!"

The other answered, "Yeah, but we're gettin' farther from the truck."

[hogdogs]

YEPPER!!! Art hit on a TRUE classic!!! I first heard that one (one form or other maybe a polish michigan rendition) in hunter safety class at the ripe ol' age of 11 or 12 1979 or 1980:eek: OH MAN I AM GETTIN' OLD IN A HURRY!!!

Brent

[waterfowler]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked!"

[Crusty Deary Ol'Coot]

Then there was the couple that went deer hunting.

It was the first time out for the wife, so the lady not really into getting up before dawn, stayed in camp and started to move around sometime after day light.

She did have the presents of mind to get her rifle out of the tent, which paid off a short time later when this big buck prances into the clearing.

The lady grabs her rifle, shoots and knocks the buck flat. Lays the rifle on the table, pulls her tag out of her pocket, clips the proper dates and walks over to the buck where she ties the tag to the horns.

Bout this time, the buck jumps to it's feet, shakes it's head and runs into the woods with the lady hot on it's trail.

Couple minutes later, she hears a shot, runs into another clearing where "her" buck lays dead on the ground with a hunter about ready to start field dressing.

Now the lady had heard all about some people stealing other hunters game, so seeing the hunter bent over "her" buck she runs up screaming and waving her arms.

Well the hunter, taken quite by surprise backs away from the deer and asks the lady what she means, "I just shot that buck, it's mine," he says, at which time she proceeds to correct him, pointing out that her tag is tied to the buck's horns.

This kind of takes the hunter by surprise, so he starts looking the situation over and sees the tag hanging from the horn.

Think'in about it for a moment, he throws his hands in the air saying, "I guess any woman that can run fast enough to tag a live buck, deserves him."

Keep em coming!

Crusty Deary Ol'Coot

[KySilverado]

Couple buddies in the woods hunting. At camp that evening one feels the call of nature and parks himself on a nearby log to do his business. A large rattlesnake takes exception to the disturbance and bites him square on one ass cheek.

The bitten guy starts freaking out and yells to his buddy who comes over and sees what has happened and takes off to town to get help. He goes into the first doctors office he can find, tells the doc what happened and to come with him to help out his buddy. Doc replies that he has an emergency there and can't go but gives him instructions to use a knife, cut between the fang punctures and to suck the poison out.

Arriving back at the camp site the guy tells his friend that he's been to town and talked to a doctor. "What did he say?" the poisoned buddy asks. He says you're gonna die!

[Crusty Deary Ol'Coot]

Then there was the hunter who got a 2fer by mistake.

Not wanting to waste any of this meat but knowing that having two deer could get him in a lot of trouble he trys to think of a solution.

Finally he grabs ahold of one critter and starts dragging it out to the road.

However, he stopped short of the road and his rig and heads back for the second deer.

When he finally gets almost back to the first deer, he sees a game warden standing alongside the deer.

Thinking fast, he says, "I see you got one to." and just keeps walking.:D

Keep em coming!

Crusty Deary Ol'Coot

[birdshot]

beaudreaux and thibedeaux hunting in the bay with new york city slicker. thibedeaux lifts the labradors tail and rubs his finger around the dogs anus which he then wipes on his lips. beaudreaux then says, his lips are also chapped, does the same wiping dog fecal matter on his lips.

the city slicker asks if this is some folk cure for chap lips.

thibedeaux replies no, but it keeps you from licking your lips.

[jdscholer]

Grampa was tellin me about one time when he was huntin deer with his old 45-70.

"I peeked over the top of the hill and about a hundert yards below was the nicest buck I'd seen in a while. I took real careful aim, but when I pulled the trigger, it was one of those shots that I jist knew was all wrong."

"So ya missed him clean?" I asked.

"Well, I would have." he said, "But ya know how slow that big ol 45 bullet moves. I quick like jumped up and ran down the hill, and managed to herd that buck in front of the bullet, which knocked him flat. Wasn't the best shot I ever made, but it did the trick.";) jd

[rickyrick]

This guy got me once, he went through this elaborate thirty minute spill about how to make a duck call out of a pop tab.. I was very interested,, I watched every move...



the moment came to make it work......he put it to his lips.....and he said, " here duck, duck, duck"

[Scorch]

OK, I'll play:

Hunting camp at dinner time can be an adventure. In one camp, the guys are looking at the strange looking shape cooking over the fire.
"What is it?" asks one.
"Politician" replies the cook.
"How can you tell it's a politician?" asks another.
Cook says "Well, when I first spotted him, he was running up and down makin' a lotta noise. He was good size, so I potted him. When I went to clean him he was so full of crap I couldn't believe it. Inside he was just rotten and stunk to high heaven, so I had to cut it all out. When I was done, all that was left was the mouth."
First one says "Yup, sounds like a politician. Think I'll pass. Never heard of a good politician anyways."

[youp]

A couple of local guys, Toivo and Heikki, were life long hunting buddies. Last year Toivo asked Heikki if he could bring his new brother in law to deer camp. Bill was a city man and rather heavy, but Toivo's sister, well, she was no prize to look at and mean as catpee besides. So agreements were made and Bill found himself in a real live backwoods Upper Michigan deer camp. Heikki drew the short straw, he didn't figure there would be any of THAT when he agreed, and took Bill to the woods Opening Day. That evening Heikki arrived in the camp yard dragging a huge 10 point buck. No Bill. Toivo asks him wheres my brudderinlaw? Heikki explained Bill had a fatal heart attack during the drag and was propped against a hard maple tree half mile from camp. Toivo really wanted to know why he had left Bill and drug in the buck. For Heikki the answer simply came 'Nobody gonna steal him!'

[Fat White Boy]

An avid duck hunter takes a 10 day duck trip from California to Washington with a stop in Oregon. He gets pulled over by an Oregon game warden. The game warden looks at all the ducks he has in the cooler and says, "I have to write you up for having too many ducks." The hunter says,"But I got some of these in Washington and in California!" The warden asks which ones are from where? The hunter doesn't know. So, the warden pulls out a duck, sticks his finger up the duck's rear, pulls it out, smells it and says,"This duck is from Oregon." He checks the next duck and says, "This one is from California." He proceeds to check every duck and sure enough, the hunter is one duck over the Oregon limit.
The warden pulls out his ticket book and asks, "O.K., where are you from?"

The hunter turns around, pulls down his pants and says to the warden,

"You're so damn smart, you tell me!!"

[Legionnaire]

Fishing count?



A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says "101,237.64? What on earth did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a bottle of Midol for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Ifishsum]

True story - My buddy and I were waterfowl hunting one day, watching as several flocks of geese fly over us far out of range. I asked him if he knew why one side of their "V" formation is always longer than the other. After a few minutes of hearing his theories about aerodynamics and air flow, etc, I explained my theory:

v
v
v
v
v








There are more Geese on that side!

[kodiakbeer]

The old saw about the newcomer asking the locals what the best handgun is for big bear protection in Alaska...

The answer is invariably, a .22

When the newcomer expresses disbelief, he's told that since a bear can only catch the slowest person, the .22 is to kneecap your partner and then run like hell...

[Dave R]

Another Californian comes to Idaho, this time to hunt ducks. All week, no luck. Last day of his trip, last legal hour, a duck flies by far away. But the Californian shoots sporting clays all the time, so he makesthe shot. The duck falls just over a fence on a farmer's spread.

By the time the hunter gets there, the farmer is standing over the duck.

"My property, my duck."

The Californian goes berserk, explaining how much money he spent to get that one shot. The farmer says...

"Well, maybe we can settle this country style."

The Californian needs an explanation. The farmer says they stand arms length apart, feet shoulder width apart, and take turns kicking each other in the groin. Last one standing keeps the duck.

Californian thinks of the money he spent, and agrees to settle it country style.

Farmer says "My land, I go first."

He puts his work boot to perfect effect. Nice backswing, good follow through. Raises the hunter a few inches off the ground.

There is much moaning, tears in the eyes, and the knees buckle, but the hunter stands and eventually makes it through the pain.

He says "OK. Well done. Its my turn, now."

The farmer says. "Oh, you can keep the duck."



(I heard Buddy Hackett tell this joke on TV.)

[roy reali]

This guy runs into his buddy and says guess what?, I got a hunting dog for my wife.

His buddy replies, good trade!

[Uncle Buck]

Why do geese fly South in the winter?




It's to far to walk.

[Art Eatman]

Sorta gone to Limburger...