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Old February 6, 2013, 10:54 AM   #1
Fleabag
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From another forum. I just could not resist.

The Gospel according to John (Moses Browning that is)

"1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, 'Thou shalt not muck about with my disciple John's design, for it is good and it worketh. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.'

2. 'And shouldst thou muck about with it and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.'

3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field-worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.

5. And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.

6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunction to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did function.

9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a 'dingus' to make them appear safe.

10. But man, being stupid, did not understand these new pistols and did proceed to shoot them-selves with the plastic pistol, and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the Prophet had intended.

13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land, and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation by the followers of John."

Amen

"...He that hath no 1911, let him sell his garment and buy one." - Jesus, Luke 22:36 (or words of slightly different meaning).
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Old February 6, 2013, 11:06 AM   #2
WC145
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Love it! I'll be borrowing that to send to some friends.
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Old February 6, 2013, 11:41 AM   #3
loose_holster_dan
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good stuff. poor writing, but good content. i may have to look at doing a rewrite with some better "old-english" styling. might even have to make it into a poster and put it in my basement.
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Old February 6, 2013, 07:43 PM   #4
James K
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The First Chapter.

1. Lo and behold, John Moses Browning brought unto the army a pistol and the pistol was not much good, and the army sayeth to John Moses Browning, thou must improve the pistol before we will be interested.

2. And Browning sayeth to the army, there is nothing wrong with my pistol, and the army sayeth to Browning to forget to put in the key and fire it and then come back.

3. And Browning did so and after he left the hospital understood what the army had said unto him.

4. And the archangel Gabriel visited the army in the night and sayeth in a loud voice, make it .45 caliber, because .45 caliber is blessed.

5. And the army passed the word from on high to Browning, and he worketh and worketh and maketh a better gun, in .45 calilber, that the slide did not cometh off except as it was supposed to.

6. And lo and behold, Browning showeth the .45 caliber gun to the army, but the army sayeth, we want a grip safety.

7. Browning respondeth that a half cock is enough and that a safety is not needed, and the army sayeth unto Browning, we have the big bucks and you give us what we want or you won't get any of our bucks.

8. And Browning went into the shop and made a grip safety.

9. And the army was pleased, and asked for a thumb safety. And Browning protested, making loud lamentations to the Gun Gods, but to no avail when the army waved big bucks.

10. So Browning went again into the shop and lo and behold produced a thumb safety. And the army was pleased.

11. Then the army considered and sayeth to Browning, we want grip screw bushings, so we don't have to scrap the frame if some private cross threads the grip screws. And again Browning implored the Gun Gods to save him from the army, but the big bucks won, and Browning did as asked.

12. So Browning did all that the army asked and the army saw the gun and said it is good, and we will test it.

13. So the army tested it, and tested another gun, and lo and behold Browning's gun led all the rest. (Except for a couple of Model 1909 revolvers which had no problems at all but were ignored.)

14. And Browning's pistol became famous and the forces of good used it to defeat the evil forces of darkness for 70 years, which was good.

15. And Browning geteth all the credit, but some folks sayeth that had it not been for the unknown army people who kept saying to make it better, it would not have been nearly as good.

Jim
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Old February 7, 2013, 12:28 AM   #5
KO3422
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Great stuff...definitely entertaining for sure.
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