The LawDog Files.

LawDog · November 17, 2000, 01:27 PM

There I was, parked in the Allsup's lot with a Extra-Jumbo Dr. Pepper in one paw and a chimichanga in the other. Somewhere in the county a rookie officer was doing his first solo patrol. Life was good.

"SO, car 14."

*Chomp, chomp* "Go ahead."

"Car 14, car 20 requests backup at *****. He's nekkid."

I paused, for a moment, eyeing my chimichanga suspiciously.

"Car 14, SO. Say again your last?" Please, please let me be hallucinating...

"SO, Car 14, I'm just relaying what I was told. The kid needs help and said he was nekkid."

I high-tail it to the location, look frantically for the rookies cruiser and spot it parked beside a big corral. I whip in beside the corral, leap out and start looking for my newbie. All I see is a rancher leaning against the corral, chewing on a stalk of something and staring with bemused fascination into the corral. I look into the corral, and it's full of chickens. Six foot tall chickens.

"T'ain't chickens," grunts the rancher before I could say anything, "Emus."

I was about to ask what an Australian bird was doing in North Texas, then I noticed that about four of these mutant chickens were in one corner of the pen, crawling all over each other, trying to get away from a man in the center of the pen.

A man who was on his knees, arms held out in supplication to the terrified mega-fowl, begging in alcohol-sodden tones: "Birdie want a Benny?"

And utterly, completely and totally bare-butt nekkid as the day he was born.

On the other side of the corral, was my rookie. Crawling frantically for the corral fence, while an enraged, six-foot chicken jumped up and down on his back.

It was a Prozac moment.

"Frank," Could those calm tones belong to me? "Would you mind getting out here? Thank you. Benny, come here. Now."

Benny turned and shuffled towards me with an air of: I've-done-something-wrong-but-I-don't-know-what-it-is-yet, and staying well out of grabbing range.

Still wondering where this remarkable calm came from, "Benny, what are you doing in that chicken coop?"

"T'aint chickens. Emus" grunted the rancher.

Benny warbled, hiccuped and waved his arms at me.

"You're doing what Committing suicide? BY CHICKEN?"

About that time, Frank (who had managed to reach the top bar of the corral) was jerked loose and suplexed back into the corral by the emu, who seemed to have World Wrestling Federation asperations.

That nice, calm feeling totally evaporated.

"Frank! Quit screwing around with that chicken and get out here! Benny, Get. Over. Here. Now!"

"T'aint a chicken. Emu."

Benny, still on his knees, shuffled towards me an inch at a time, with his lower lip quivering pitifully. As soon as he was close enough, I got an arm around him and...slipped off. I stard at my suddenly-greasy arm, looked at Benny and noticed that he was covered in...bacon grease.

Arm waving, hiccuping, emphatic nodding from Benny.

"You wanted to taste good when they pecked you to death."

Bloody considerate of him. Odd, I never noticed that I had a twitch before. The rancher stared at Benny for a moment, then collapsed against the fence, pounding it with his fist and howling with laughter.

Frank crawled out from under the lowest bar of the fence, just in time to catch an airborne Benny as I removed him from the corral.

LawDog

DorGunR · November 17, 2000, 01:33 PM

LawDog
That was a great yarn......thanks, you made my day.

Erik · November 17, 2000, 01:41 PM

It has been said before, and it bares repeating:

You really must complile a book of these yarns.

Correia · November 17, 2000, 01:44 PM

Thats funny, but my favorite is still the drunk armadillo.

You need to put these in a book and get it published.

Ledbetter · November 17, 2000, 01:44 PM

Stranger than California. Glad no shots had to be fired

.

George Hill · November 17, 2000, 01:46 PM

...
Stunned

If I were you - I'ld avoid Chimichangas.

Halffast · November 17, 2000, 02:55 PM

LD,

That is the funniest thing I have heard all year. thanks for the laugh.

David

Coinneach · November 17, 2000, 02:58 PM

Ian, if all cops were as funny as you, we wouldn't need capital punishment. We'd die laughing.

Dave R · November 17, 2000, 05:32 PM

Suicide by EMU makes perfect sense...in the LawDog files.

Too much fun. Thanks, LawDog.

George Hill · November 17, 2000, 06:07 PM

LawDog - You seriously need to archive all of these in on your own webpage.
With illustrations and photos...
We should get a pool going - a fund to get you a digital camera that you have on you at all times.

.357SIG · November 17, 2000, 06:40 PM

Good story.

Keep 'em coming.

OkieGentleman · November 18, 2000, 12:15 AM

I am still looking for the snake story. How about retelling it.

Viceroy808 · November 18, 2000, 02:31 AM

The funny thing is while I was reading this the TV behind me had the song for "The Rockford Files" playing as I was reading this ... LOL

Classic ... just classic

Ed Brunner · November 18, 2000, 06:21 AM

One of the very nice features of TFL!! Keep up the good work and DO consider a book.

KenPaul · November 18, 2000, 08:55 AM

Hats off, pard. Great story!

brianidaho · November 18, 2000, 10:14 AM

I've read some pretty good yarns by Pat McManus. I think this has him topped!

gRAVEdgN · November 18, 2000, 12:38 PM

If I had laughed any harder I would of needed medical attention.

Good one.

gRAVEdgN

Greg L · November 18, 2000, 01:23 PM

Thanks for the latest story. I needed something like that this afternoon.

Greg

Charlie D · November 20, 2000, 01:46 PM

Great story. Many thanks.

Charlie

mussi · November 20, 2000, 04:39 PM

Told that story to my uncle last night. He almost fell off his chair.
But he wasn't frankly surprised.

His most embarrassing call ever was when he got a call from a cell
phone from a businessman with mega dollars. Anyway, he had a workout
ith two prostitutes which must have been pretty exhausting since
nobody inside the car was able to open any door. At any rate, my
uncle is not technically challenged - he was a professional car
mechanic before he went to police academy. He used his knowledge of
Mercedes door mechanics to force the door without resorting to more
explosive means.

The incredible view he had when the rear door finally swung open paid
off his efforts. And, no, the car owner was not quite so exhausted as
he had sounded on the phone.

I'll let the audience figure out what happened while my uncle opened
that Mercedes door and how he had to word it for the report. And, yes,
he used all politically correct words that exist in the German
language to describe 'workout', 'prostitutes' and the joys of being
locked into a car with two of them.

Monkeyleg · November 20, 2000, 06:30 PM

Lawdog, that is one great story. What's the drunken armadillo story? Can you re-post it?

Thanks.

Dick
Want to send a message to Bush? Sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/monk/petition.html and forward the link to every gun owner you know.

LawDog · November 20, 2000, 10:21 PM

Here you go.

Ghost Raid:

http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=37955

Big Mama:

http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=37169

Santa Claus:

http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=36213

Armadillo:

http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=35526

Enjoy!

LawDog

Munro Williams · November 21, 2000, 12:01 AM

This is great! I'm going to use it for an English lesson!!

RWK · November 21, 2000, 11:19 AM

Law Dog,

Another great one. Thanks.

Monkeyleg · November 21, 2000, 06:34 PM

Geeziz, Lawdog, I just about spit all over my keyboard after reading the armadillo story! Thanks a lot. I never knew a job could be so entertaining.

Dick
Want to send a message to Bush? Sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/monk/petition.html and forward the link to every gun owner you know.

November 17, 2000, 01:44 PM	#5
Ledbetter Senior Member Join Date: February 23, 2000 Location: California USA Posts: 4,479	Stranger than California. Glad no shots had to be fired.

November 17, 2000, 06:07 PM	#10
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: Lapoint, Utah Posts: 11,473	LawDog - You seriously need to archive all of these in on your own webpage. With illustrations and photos... We should get a pool going - a fund to get you a digital camera that you have on you at all times. __________________ MAD OGRE

November 18, 2000, 12:15 AM	#12
OkieGentleman Senior Member Join Date: August 18, 1999 Location: OKC Metro Posts: 432	Snake Story I am still looking for the snake story. How about retelling it.

November 18, 2000, 06:21 AM	#14
Ed Brunner Senior Member Join Date: October 11, 1998 Location: Natchez, MS, USA Posts: 2,562	One of the very nice features of TFL!! Keep up the good work and DO consider a book. __________________ MOLON LABE UNTIL IT'S OVER! Ed

November 20, 2000, 04:39 PM	#20
mussi Senior Member Join Date: January 17, 2000 Location: Berne, Switzerland Posts: 758	nekkid & star wars... Told that story to my uncle last night. He almost fell off his chair. But he wasn't frankly surprised. His most embarrassing call ever was when he got a call from a cell phone from a businessman with mega dollars. Anyway, he had a workout ith two prostitutes which must have been pretty exhausting since nobody inside the car was able to open any door. At any rate, my uncle is not technically challenged - he was a professional car mechanic before he went to police academy. He used his knowledge of Mercedes door mechanics to force the door without resorting to more explosive means. The incredible view he had when the rear door finally swung open paid off his efforts. And, no, the car owner was not quite so exhausted as he had sounded on the phone. I'll let the audience figure out what happened while my uncle opened that Mercedes door and how he had to word it for the report. And, yes, he used all politically correct words that exist in the German language to describe 'workout', 'prostitutes' and the joys of being locked into a car with two of them.

November 17, 2000, 01:27 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,200	There I was, parked in the Allsup's lot with a Extra-Jumbo Dr. Pepper in one paw and a chimichanga in the other. Somewhere in the county a rookie officer was doing his first solo patrol. Life was good. "SO, car 14." Chomp, chomp "Go ahead." "Car 14, car 20 requests backup at ****. He's nekkid." I paused, for a moment, eyeing my chimichanga suspiciously. "Car 14, SO. Say again your last?" Please, please let me be hallucinating... "SO, Car 14, I'm just relaying what I was told. The kid needs help and said he was nekkid." I high-tail it to the location, look frantically for the rookies cruiser and spot it parked beside a big corral. I whip in beside the corral, leap out and start looking for my newbie. All I see is a rancher leaning against the corral, chewing on a stalk of something and staring with bemused fascination into the corral. I look into the corral, and it's full of chickens. Six foot tall chickens. "T'ain't chickens," grunts the rancher before I could say anything, "Emus." I was about to ask what an Australian bird was doing in North Texas, then I noticed that about four of these mutant chickens were in one corner of the pen, crawling all over each other, trying to get away from a man in the center of the pen. A man who was on his knees, arms held out in supplication to the terrified mega-fowl, begging in alcohol-sodden tones: "Birdie want a Benny?" And utterly, completely and totally bare-butt nekkid as the day he was born. On the other side of the corral, was my rookie. Crawling frantically for the corral fence, while an enraged, six-foot chicken jumped up and down on his back. It was a Prozac moment. "Frank," Could those calm tones belong to me? "Would you mind getting out here? Thank you. Benny, come here. Now." Benny turned and shuffled towards me with an air of: I've-done-something-wrong-but-I-don't-know-what-it-is-yet, and staying well* out of grabbing range. Still wondering where this remarkable calm came from, "Benny, what are you doing in that chicken coop?" "T'aint chickens. Emus" grunted the rancher. Benny warbled, hiccuped and waved his arms at me. "You're doing what Committing suicide? BY CHICKEN?" About that time, Frank (who had managed to reach the top bar of the corral) was jerked loose and suplexed back into the corral by the emu, who seemed to have World Wrestling Federation asperations. That nice, calm feeling totally evaporated. "Frank! Quit screwing around with that chicken and get out here! Benny, Get. Over. Here. Now!" "T'aint a chicken. Emu." Benny, still on his knees, shuffled towards me an inch at a time, with his lower lip quivering pitifully. As soon as he was close enough, I got an arm around him and...slipped off. I stard at my suddenly-greasy arm, looked at Benny and noticed that he was covered in...bacon grease. Arm waving, hiccuping, emphatic nodding from Benny. "You wanted to taste good when they pecked you to death." Bloody considerate of him. Odd, I never noticed that I had a twitch before. The rancher stared at Benny for a moment, then collapsed against the fence, pounding it with his fist and howling with laughter. Frank crawled out from under the lowest bar of the fence, just in time to catch an airborne Benny as I removed him from the corral. LawDog

November 17, 2000, 01:33 PM	#2
DorGunR Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Maryland Posts: 1,125	LawDog That was a great yarn......thanks, you made my day.

November 17, 2000, 01:41 PM	#3
Erik Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: America Posts: 3,337	It has been said before, and it bares repeating: You really must complile a book of these yarns.

November 17, 2000, 01:44 PM	#4
Correia Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1998 Location: SLC Utah Posts: 3,742	Thats funny, but my favorite is still the drunk armadillo. You need to put these in a book and get it published.

November 17, 2000, 01:46 PM	#6
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: Lapoint, Utah Posts: 11,473	... Stunned If I were you - I'ld avoid Chimichangas.

November 17, 2000, 02:55 PM	#7
Halffast Senior Member Join Date: February 22, 2000 Location: San Antonio, TX Posts: 526	LD, That is the funniest thing I have heard all year. thanks for the laugh. David

November 17, 2000, 02:58 PM	#8
Coinneach Staff Alumnus Join Date: February 23, 1999 Location: Denver, CO Posts: 4,274	Ian, if all cops were as funny as you, we wouldn't need capital punishment. We'd die laughing.

November 17, 2000, 05:32 PM	#9
Dave R Senior Member Join Date: January 7, 2000 Location: Idaho Posts: 5,711	Suicide by EMU makes perfect sense...in the LawDog files. Too much fun. Thanks, LawDog.

November 17, 2000, 06:40 PM	#11
.357SIG Senior Member Join Date: August 18, 1999 Posts: 886	Good story. Keep 'em coming.

November 18, 2000, 02:31 AM	#13
Viceroy808 Member Join Date: November 16, 2000 Posts: 87	The funny thing is while I was reading this the TV behind me had the song for "The Rockford Files" playing as I was reading this ... LOL Classic ... just classic

November 18, 2000, 08:55 AM	#15
KenPaul Senior Member Join Date: November 2, 2000 Location: Reno, NV Posts: 204	Hats off, pard. Great story!

November 18, 2000, 10:14 AM	#16
brianidaho Senior Member Join Date: August 29, 2000 Location: Coeur d'Alene, ID Posts: 442	I've read some pretty good yarns by Pat McManus. I think this has him topped!

November 18, 2000, 12:38 PM	#17
gRAVEdgN Member Join Date: April 16, 2000 Location: Denham Springs, LA, USA Posts: 73	If I had laughed any harder I would of needed medical attention. Good one. gRAVEdgN

November 18, 2000, 01:23 PM	#18
Greg L Senior Member Join Date: November 17, 1999 Location: Northern KY Posts: 542	Thanks for the latest story. I needed something like that this afternoon. Greg

November 20, 2000, 01:46 PM	#19
Charlie D Senior Member Join Date: October 28, 2000 Location: Newark, DE USA Posts: 167	Great story. Many thanks. Charlie

November 20, 2000, 06:30 PM	#21
Monkeyleg Senior Member Join Date: January 25, 2000 Posts: 4,626	Lawdog, that is one great story. What's the drunken armadillo story? Can you re-post it? Thanks. Dick Want to send a message to Bush? Sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/monk/petition.html and forward the link to every gun owner you know.

November 20, 2000, 10:21 PM	#22
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,200	Here you go. Ghost Raid: http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=37955 Big Mama: http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=37169 Santa Claus: http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=36213 Armadillo: http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/...threadid=35526 Enjoy! LawDog

November 21, 2000, 12:01 AM	#23
Munro Williams Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Richmond, VA Posts: 936	This is great! I'm going to use it for an English lesson!!

November 21, 2000, 11:19 AM	#24
RWK Senior Member Join Date: August 20, 1999 Location: Occupied Virginia Posts: 2,689	Law Dog, Another great one. Thanks.

November 21, 2000, 06:34 PM	#25
Monkeyleg Senior Member Join Date: January 25, 2000 Posts: 4,626	Geeziz, Lawdog, I just about spit all over my keyboard after reading the armadillo story! Thanks a lot. I never knew a job could be so entertaining. Dick Want to send a message to Bush? Sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/monk/petition.html and forward the link to every gun owner you know.