The LawDog Files.

[LawDog]

One of the nice things about working in small towns is the...unique...problems that you learn to solve. One such problem belonged to a sweet little old lady who lived in big, old mansion over in the old section of town. She had a (ahem) ghost infestation.

Now, most of the time this was all right (I think she liked the company), but once in a while the ghosts would get a wee bit rowdy. Thereupon, she'd call the S.O. and one of us would be dispatched to take care of the situation. We'd show up, she'd let us into the huge old house, the officer would go upstairs and read a stern warning to the ghosts.

I found that if you took George C. Scotts' speech from Patton, complete with pacing back-and-forth and gestures, and cleaned up the language a bit, the ghosts would normally be impressed enough to keep quiet for a week or two.

Once you were done, you'd go back downstairs, where the lady would stuff you full of homemade cinnamon rolls and iced tea, and you'd swap gossip for a while.

One day the Sheriff gets a bright idea: we'd take care of this situation once-and-for-all. Plans are made. People are notified. We wait for the call.

And one Friday evening, she calls. Not only are the ghosts rowdy, it sounds like they're having a party. And (delivered in whispered tones) she thinks she heard some girl ghosts giggling up there, and this Wasn't Right.

The call goes out. We load up our full-time officers (all four of them), we get our Reserves (mostly guards from a local Federal facility), we don our Ninja gear, we mount our Trusty Steed (re-worked, Korea-era Ambulance) and we sway and sputter and backfire and shudder and creak our way up the hill.

Once on location, a hasty conference took place. Who looks the least threatening? That would be Yours Truly having hysterics in the back.

Up I go, I knock on the door, tell the little old lady that we're here to solve her problem and seat her on the porch swing with a blanket.

CRASH. Twenty SWAT rhinos in full gear hit the door, clear the bottom floor tactically, flow the stairs, and then the shouting starts.

"Hey, you! YES, YOU! OUT, OUT, OUT!!"

"One here! Out, out, out! CLEAR!"

"Where do you think you're going? OUT, OUT, OUT!"

And our throughly scared and cowed (albeit invisible) subjects were herded to the front lawn, where the Sheriff is standing on the roof of the ambulance--excuse me, SWAT vehicle-- delivering his patented fire-and-brimstone, straight-path/crooked-path speech. Complete with finger-pointing, arm waving and emotional entreaties to what only a absolute cynic would consider an empty lawn.

Watched with great interest by all the neighbors, heck, most of the town, who promptly got out the lawnchairs, the sodas and the snacks and basically started a block party.

*sigh* Small towns.

Once we were done, and had allowed the thoroughtly chastized spirits back upstairs, we sat in her kitchen (in black BDU's, rifles, shotguns, etc.,) and ate cinnamon rolls and drank iced tea.

During this last part, the lady whispered to me that we had "Missed one."

Never said I wasn't fast on my mental feet. I whispered back that he was too young to be subjected to such a scary action. She examined him closely and declared that I was probably right.

It took the ghosts almost three months to go back to their rowdy ways.

LawDog

[Oatka]

Another gem.

It reminds me of a "Cops" segment some years back. It was in an eskimo village in Alaska.
This gal called the cops about an evil spirit that was in her cupboard.

The cop opened the cupboard, grabbed at something, and left the house with cupped hands. The woman was visibly relieved.

The cop tells the TV, "You gotta work all the angles up here."

[Glamdring]

LawDog you should start publishing! Just let me know if it goes under fact or fiction

Would you publish under LawDog or an alias?

[RWK]

LawDag,

I love these. Thank you. And as I mentioned to an earlier "LawDog Yarn", you really should consider publishing them.

[Ottergal]

Well of course it "Wasn't Right" that the girl ghosts should be ahem "fraternizing" with the boy ghosts!! There probably wasn't a chaperone in sight!!!

What else can I say, Ian? Yet another gem....Thanks!!!

[Blueyedog]

Thanks LawDog! Another great one. I gotta visit this town!

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Refuse to be a "helpless" victim.
Knowing Your Rights WAGC in Indiana

[Gopher]

Now if you would just give all THREE parts of the SNAKE story on this board you could make a lot of folks happy.

Gopher.....digging a DEEP hole, hoping to avoid all the do do that is about to fall his way.

[Johnny Got His Gun.1]

Thanks again, LawDog!

LOL!

[TheBluesMan]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LawDog

*sigh* Small towns.[/quote]

Says it all...

Thanks again, LawDog. Brightened up my day considerably.

[bruels]

Once upon a time there was an fellow named Charles Eugene Wxxxx. His wife had identical twin sons whom he named Charles Eugene Wxxxx and Charlie Gene Wxxxx. His two sons settled in my small town. Charlie was a crook while Charles was a simple kindly fellow. At times when committing a petty crime, Charlie would say he was Charles, which resulted in arrest warrants being issued for Charles. For some strange reason Charles wouldn't get mad at his brother for getting him arrested.

Charles had a redeeming quality. If he got talked into doing something illegal by Charlie and you asked him about it, Charles would tell you the truth, even if it meant he was going to jail.

Many deputies couldn't tell them apart. I didn't have much problem because Charles was so simple there was no way he could be faking it. Charlie, try as he might, couldn't fake being that simple. He always had a look in his eyes like he was trying to assess if you were accepting his line of bs.

However, if you really had a problem with identification, you only had to look at their tattoos. It seems Charles did a stint in the Army and had a tattoo of his unit placed on I think his left breast. Charlie, realizing this made Charles different enough to tell the two apart, arranged to have a identical unit tattoo placed on his breast. However, it seemed Charlie was dyslexic or something because when he got the tattoo he had it put on his right breast.

There were other differences. Charlie was into methamphetamine while Charles was a heroin addict. Anyway, on to the conclusion of this pointless story. One day I was summoned to Charles Eugene's residence to take a battery report. It seems some young thug had thrown a basketball at Charles' son's face hard enough to bloody his nose and blacken his eye. As I was interviewing the boy I of course asked his name.

You may have guessed it. The boy's name was Charles Eugene Wxxxx III.

[CindyH]

hey, Law Dog, thanks a lot! I think you chased those ghosts away and now they're at my house!
They're always hiding my keys and taking the ten dollars that I just know I had left from that twenty!
With that kind of riff-raff, I just know there's also improper conduct of other sorts going on, as well.
Yup, it's the same ghosts!

bruels, that's one for the "too strange NOT to be true" files! That's too funny.
BTW, I used to have a neighbor whose name was Quillard....his older brother's name was Willard!

[Miss Demeanors]

LOL Ian! I think that was really cool of you guys to do that. Around here I don't even think the cops would show up. You did a good deed!

[DorGunR]

Thanks LawDog,
Another great yarn for my "LawDog" file.

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"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."

[OkieGentleman]

Ok where is this blasted snake story I have looked all over for it.

[Gopher]

Okie: He hasnt told us that one on this board yet. He will

This reminds me of a book I read years ago about real life stories of the Chicago PD. The book was titled "True Blue". I highly recommend it. :-)

[George Hill]

Damn.

[Don Gwinn]

Oooohhh yeah, this one's coming back too.

[Monkeyleg]

Where is Lawdog? I haven't had a good laugh in months!

[citizen]

Thanks for re-posting; wasn't here first time around.

Wonder if Lawdog is still making that house call?

[grampster]

THANKS FOR THE YARN LAWDOG. YOUR PROPUNDIATIONS BRING BACK FOND MEMORIES OF MY LEO DAYS IN THE SIXTIES. THE CHARACTERS IN YOUR COUNTY HAVE MANY RELATIVES IN WESTERN MICHIGAN. HEH.
GRAMPSTER

[blades67]

Now that's funny!