LawDog Files.

LawDog · June 28, 2000, 08:42 PM

Big Mama was the matriarch of what passed for a crime family in our neck of the woods. She was responsible for most of our crime, until she got too big, then she left it up to her family.

Anyhoo, I was on duty one day when the word came in: Big Mama had Passed On. We were in the middle of a Moment of Silence ("Thank God", murmured the Sheriff) when the ambulance crew requested help.

We had a problem. Hoo boy, did we have a problem. When I say Big Mama was big, I mean she overloaded the 300 pound weight limit on the stretcher by a good bit. We couldn't even get her off the bed. After a couple of hours, we worked out a plan: someone scooted over to the local monument company and borrowed their forklift and a spare pallet, the volunteer fire department got out the Jaws of Life and popped the exterior wall off of Big Mama's bedroom. Six of us rolled her onto the pallet, then we raised the pallet and put it (and Big Mama) onto the hosebed of a firetruck. Voila!

Off we go to the funeral home, where the Director (Bless his heart), had dug out a portable embalming outfit (I didn't even realize there was such a thing) and did the deed on Big Mama in the garage.

Which, in retrospect, was probably responsible for what happened later.

The day of the funeral arrived. I had to be there, because--true to form--four of Big Mama's nephews, cousins and grandkids were in jail on various charges. My handcuffed, shackled and leg-ironed charges and I showed up early, and let me tell you--I was impressed. Someone, somewhere had found a casket big enough, and Big Mama was laid out in her Sunday Finest with a peaceful smile on her face.

Which in and of itself was shocking. I had only ever seen Big Mama when she was fighting and cussing fit to make a sailor blush. Never saw her smile until she was gone. Looked downright odd.

Anyhoo, we're there early, and I'm listening to the gossip, which was all based on whether Big Mama's youngest daughter would show her face. Big Mama had, years earlier, attempted to rearrange her daughters' giblets with a set of pinking shears, and daughter had run off to California, vowing Never to Return.

Well, she came back. And that performance should have gotten her an Oscar, I'm here to tell you. But I'm ahead of myself.

Four, count 'em, four Baptist preachers got up behind the pulpit and lied their butts off about the Deceased. Three different people got up to sing muzak versions of pop songs. The Eulogy was a masterpiece--bore no more resemblance to the Dearly Departed than a toady-frog resembles a polecat--but it sounded nice.

Then, finally, it was almost over. The family rose up and walked past the casket in saying their Final Farewells (and stealing any jewelry left on the body), with the entire congregation looking on and sniffling. And last in line was Baby Daughter.

Like I said--a masterpiece. Baby Daughter had to be supported by two cousins in her time of grief. She was bravely fighting back tears, as she tenderly touched the frozen features of Big mama, then she'd turn to leave, and then wail: "Oh, Big Mama, why'd you leave us!?" And the two cousins would gently lead her away, but she'd turn back to the casket, and blubber, "But I can't leave her!"

Someone get that girl an Emmy Award.

Anyhoo, This went on for about five minutes, until finally, Baby Daughter flings herself across Big Mama and wails, "Come back, Big Mama, come back!"

And Big Mama did. Sort of. Well, actually, she kinda flopped a bit and made a 'song of the humpback whales' kind of noise, as a glowing green ball appeared over the casket.

I remember thinking: Aha! That's what an air bubble in a corpse looks like. I always thought that was an Urban Myth. Fascinating.

And then I noticed that I was the only person left in the church. Everyone else was sprinting down the hill.

With the Head Preacher and my four leg-ironed prisoners leading the pack. And the glowing green ball was the tritium insert in my front sight.

I also noticed, about that time, that I was in a Weaver stance that was so solid that it took me about five minutes to bust my knees loose enough to sneak down the aisle to make sure Big Mama was well-and-truly deceased. (There are rumours floating about that I actually poked the Departed with stick during my examination. I deny these allegations. I couldn't find a stick. So I stood at the Amen Pew and tossed flower arrangements instead.

)

LawDog

[This message has been edited by LawDog (edited June 28, 2000).]

Ottergal · June 28, 2000, 09:07 PM

Ian...
LMAO!!!!

Otter shakes her head and uses her paw to wipe the tears from her eyes..."That boy sure has a way with words..."

RIP Big Mama!!!

Jim V · June 28, 2000, 09:12 PM

I always had a few people that I wanted to pop a round into at their funeral, just to make sure their passing was not a rumor.

------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
"If there be treachery, let there be jehad!"

William R. Wilburn · June 28, 2000, 09:17 PM

ROFLMAO

I can't believe you write this stuff for free! The only reason I used to take Shooting Times was to read Skeeter's stories.

Keep 'em comin'.

Thanks

-William

TheBluesMan · June 28, 2000, 09:24 PM

LawDog, you done outdone yourself, bud.

That story is so far-fetched and unbelievable that it just HAS to be true. Nobody could make up something like that!

Thank you, again, for sharing. The LawDog Files never ceases to brighten my day.

------------------
RKBA!
"The people have the right to bear arms for their defense and security"
Ohio Constitution, Article I, Section 4 Concealed Carry is illegal in Ohio.
Ohioans for Concealed Carry Website

Greg L · June 28, 2000, 09:30 PM

Oh cool a LawDog File, let me crack open a beer (not a Shiner, sorry they don't make it out this far) and pull up a chair.

Longish pause.

Grrrrr.

Log onto computerstore.com, order new monitor, open another beer to replace the one that was absorbed into the screen.

Mike in VA · June 28, 2000, 10:18 PM

'Dawg, you need to hook up with Robert (Bestdefense357) and have him introduce you to his publisher. Thanks for the giggle, I had a long day. Best, M2

OkieGentleman · June 28, 2000, 10:21 PM

LMAO You did it to me again LawDog. I told someone your drunken amadillo story today and he laughed like crazy while keeping one eye on me to see if I was pulling his leg.

C.R.Sam · June 28, 2000, 10:21 PM

Thank you Law Dawg, nuther cleanin for keyboard

Sam...Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Kentucky Rifle · June 28, 2000, 10:27 PM

Ian,
You sure can tell a good story!
My back hurts like hell but you have me laughing.
You'll never know how much I appreciated the good laugh at this particular time.
Thank you my friend!

Will

------------------
Mendacity is the system we live in.

OF · June 28, 2000, 10:42 PM

A couple months ago, the first 'search' I ever performed on these forums was for the text 'LawDog Files'.

You have a knack for endings, friend.

- gabe

Correia · June 28, 2000, 11:05 PM

You really should write a book.

gRAVEdgN · June 28, 2000, 11:21 PM

I laughed myself senseless.

Note to self:
See doctor about that new hernia that just devloped.

Ed Brunner · June 29, 2000, 05:22 AM

Great story and a really great style.
Thank you.

------------------
Better days to be,

Ed

**Bud Helms** · June 29, 2000, 06:21 AM

A Class II gas eruption from the Dearly Departed? Funny!

Did Baby Daughter have to be carried out, since she caught the full brunt of the discharge, as it were?

[This message has been edited by sensop (edited June 29, 2000).]

**Dennis** · June 29, 2000, 06:31 AM

The only reason for you to continue to "protect and serve" is to gather material for your books and (no doubt) future movies!

**Long Path** · June 29, 2000, 08:20 AM

Su-freakin'-perb.

L.P.

DorGunR · June 29, 2000, 08:49 AM

LawDog,
You are da Man.

------------------
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."

**Don Gwinn** · June 29, 2000, 08:51 AM

The wife and I repeat--you should really look into publishing these. Just write down as many as you can and as neatly as you can, and take them to a small-time publisher. Tell 'em you've had a lot of interesting experiences and you're interested in creating a book out of them if they like the stories.
I don't know how well a publisher would receive these but I love 'em.

TexasRusty · June 29, 2000, 08:53 AM

ROFL. That was great LawDog.

Rusty

Oatka · June 29, 2000, 09:17 AM

Aw, Geez, I was just getting over the Giant Santa Claus incident.

I was reading this with tears in my eyes when the wife comes in for the morning kiss. I tell her about Big Mamma and now she has tears in her eyes and stomping her hind leg.

I guess breakfast will be a little late this a.m.

**Dave McC** · June 29, 2000, 10:44 AM

Thanks a bunch, you made my morning(wiping coffee off the monitor)....

CindyH · June 29, 2000, 10:58 AM

Too, too funny!!!! Thanks, LawDog

Erik · June 29, 2000, 11:04 AM

buzz_knox · June 29, 2000, 11:18 AM

LawDog

I need your mailing address. I will be forwarding the invoice from my doctor removing salad from my sinus activities. I am NOT kidding! I haven't spewed in years but that damn glowing green ball line did it!

June 28, 2000, 08:42 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,200	Big Mama was the matriarch of what passed for a crime family in our neck of the woods. She was responsible for most of our crime, until she got too big, then she left it up to her family. Anyhoo, I was on duty one day when the word came in: Big Mama had Passed On. We were in the middle of a Moment of Silence ("Thank God", murmured the Sheriff) when the ambulance crew requested help. We had a problem. Hoo boy, did we have a problem. When I say Big Mama was big, I mean she overloaded the 300 pound weight limit on the stretcher by a good bit. We couldn't even get her off the bed. After a couple of hours, we worked out a plan: someone scooted over to the local monument company and borrowed their forklift and a spare pallet, the volunteer fire department got out the Jaws of Life and popped the exterior wall off of Big Mama's bedroom. Six of us rolled her onto the pallet, then we raised the pallet and put it (and Big Mama) onto the hosebed of a firetruck. Voila! Off we go to the funeral home, where the Director (Bless his heart), had dug out a portable embalming outfit (I didn't even realize there was such a thing) and did the deed on Big Mama in the garage. Which, in retrospect, was probably responsible for what happened later. The day of the funeral arrived. I had to be there, because--true to form--four of Big Mama's nephews, cousins and grandkids were in jail on various charges. My handcuffed, shackled and leg-ironed charges and I showed up early, and let me tell you--I was impressed. Someone, somewhere had found a casket big enough, and Big Mama was laid out in her Sunday Finest with a peaceful smile on her face. Which in and of itself was shocking. I had only ever seen Big Mama when she was fighting and cussing fit to make a sailor blush. Never saw her smile until she was gone. Looked downright odd. Anyhoo, we're there early, and I'm listening to the gossip, which was all based on whether Big Mama's youngest daughter would show her face. Big Mama had, years earlier, attempted to rearrange her daughters' giblets with a set of pinking shears, and daughter had run off to California, vowing Never to Return. Well, she came back. And that performance should have gotten her an Oscar, I'm here to tell you. But I'm ahead of myself. Four, count 'em, four Baptist preachers got up behind the pulpit and lied their butts off about the Deceased. Three different people got up to sing muzak versions of pop songs. The Eulogy was a masterpiece--bore no more resemblance to the Dearly Departed than a toady-frog resembles a polecat--but it sounded nice. Then, finally, it was almost over. The family rose up and walked past the casket in saying their Final Farewells (and stealing any jewelry left on the body), with the entire congregation looking on and sniffling. And last in line was Baby Daughter. Like I said--a masterpiece. Baby Daughter had to be supported by two cousins in her time of grief. She was bravely fighting back tears, as she tenderly touched the frozen features of Big mama, then she'd turn to leave, and then wail: "Oh, Big Mama, why'd you leave us!?" And the two cousins would gently lead her away, but she'd turn back to the casket, and blubber, "But I can't leave her!" Someone get that girl an Emmy Award. Anyhoo, This went on for about five minutes, until finally, Baby Daughter flings herself across Big Mama and wails, "Come back, Big Mama, come back!" And Big Mama did. Sort of. Well, actually, she kinda flopped a bit and made a 'song of the humpback whales' kind of noise, as a glowing green ball appeared over the casket. I remember thinking: Aha! That's* what an air bubble in a corpse looks like. I always thought that was an Urban Myth. Fascinating.* And then I noticed that I was the only person left in the church. Everyone else was sprinting down the hill. With the Head Preacher and my four leg-ironed prisoners leading the pack. And the glowing green ball was the tritium insert in my front sight. I also noticed, about that time, that I was in a Weaver stance that was so solid that it took me about five minutes to bust my knees loose enough to sneak down the aisle to make sure Big Mama was well-and-truly deceased. (There are rumours floating about that I actually poked the Departed with stick during my examination. I deny these allegations. I couldn't find a stick. So I stood at the Amen Pew and tossed flower arrangements instead. ) LawDog [This message has been edited by LawDog (edited June 28, 2000).]

June 28, 2000, 09:07 PM	#2
Ottergal Senior Member Join Date: January 14, 2000 Posts: 267	Ian... LMAO!!!! Otter shakes her head and uses her paw to wipe the tears from her eyes..."That boy sure has a way with words..." RIP Big Mama!!!

June 28, 2000, 09:12 PM	#3
Jim V Senior Member Join Date: January 31, 1999 Location: SE Michigan - USA Posts: 4,041	I always had a few people that I wanted to pop a round into at their funeral, just to make sure their passing was not a rumor. ------------------ *Ne Conjuge Nobiscum* "If there be treachery, let there be jehad!"

June 28, 2000, 09:17 PM	#4
William R. Wilburn Senior Member Join Date: March 27, 2000 Posts: 192	ROFLMAO I can't believe you write this stuff for free! The only reason I used to take Shooting Times was to read Skeeter's stories. Keep 'em comin'. Thanks -William

June 28, 2000, 09:24 PM	#5
TheBluesMan Moderator Emeritus Join Date: June 15, 1999 Location: Ohio Posts: 7,558	LawDog, you done outdone yourself, bud. That story is so far-fetched and unbelievable that it just HAS to be true. Nobody could make up something like that! Thank you, again, for sharing. The LawDog Files never ceases to brighten my day. ------------------ RKBA! "The people have the right to bear arms for their defense and security" Ohio Constitution, Article I, Section 4 Concealed Carry is illegal in Ohio. Ohioans for Concealed Carry Website

June 28, 2000, 09:30 PM	#6
Greg L Senior Member Join Date: November 17, 1999 Location: Northern KY Posts: 542	Oh cool a LawDog File, let me crack open a beer (not a Shiner, sorry they don't make it out this far) and pull up a chair. Longish pause. Grrrrr. Log onto computerstore.com, order new monitor, open another beer to replace the one that was absorbed into the screen.

June 28, 2000, 10:18 PM	#7
Mike in VA Senior Member Join Date: October 16, 1998 Location: Santa FE, NM Posts: 2,159	'Dawg, you need to hook up with Robert (Bestdefense357) and have him introduce you to his publisher. Thanks for the giggle, I had a long day. Best, M2

June 28, 2000, 10:21 PM	#8
OkieGentleman Senior Member Join Date: August 18, 1999 Location: OKC Metro Posts: 432	LMAO You did it to me again LawDog. I told someone your drunken amadillo story today and he laughed like crazy while keeping one eye on me to see if I was pulling his leg.

June 28, 2000, 10:21 PM	#9
C.R.Sam Senior Member Join Date: October 29, 1999 Location: Dewey, AZ Posts: 12,868	Thank you Law Dawg, nuther cleanin for keyboard Sam...Follow me, I know a shortcut.

June 28, 2000, 10:27 PM	#10
Kentucky Rifle Senior Member Join Date: July 5, 1999 Location: Louisville, Kentucky Posts: 2,689	Ian, You sure can tell a good story! My back hurts like hell but you have me laughing. You'll never know how much I appreciated the good laugh at this particular time. Thank you my friend! Will ------------------ Mendacity is the system we live in.

June 28, 2000, 10:42 PM	#11
OF Senior Member Join Date: April 11, 2000 Posts: 2,241	A couple months ago, the first 'search' I ever performed on these forums was for the text 'LawDog Files'. You have a knack for endings, friend. - gabe

June 28, 2000, 11:05 PM	#12
Correia Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1998 Location: SLC Utah Posts: 3,742	You really should write a book.

June 28, 2000, 11:21 PM	#13
gRAVEdgN Member Join Date: April 16, 2000 Location: Denham Springs, LA, USA Posts: 73	I laughed myself senseless. Note to self: See doctor about that new hernia that just devloped.

June 29, 2000, 05:22 AM	#14
Ed Brunner Senior Member Join Date: October 11, 1998 Location: Natchez, MS, USA Posts: 2,562	Great story and a really great style. Thank you. ------------------ Better days to be, Ed

June 29, 2000, 06:21 AM	#15
Bud Helms Staff Join Date: December 31, 1999 Location: Middle Georgia Posts: 11,209	A Class II gas eruption from the Dearly Departed? Funny! Did Baby Daughter have to be carried out, since she caught the full brunt of the discharge, as it were? [This message has been edited by sensop (edited June 29, 2000).]

June 29, 2000, 06:31 AM	#16
Dennis Staff Join Date: November 23, 1998 Location: a small forest in Texas Posts: 7,079	The only reason for you to continue to "protect and serve" is to gather material for your books and (no doubt) future movies!

June 29, 2000, 08:20 AM	#17
Long Path Staff Join Date: May 31, 1999 Location: N. Texas Posts: 5,865	Su-freakin'-perb. L.P.

June 29, 2000, 08:49 AM	#18
DorGunR Senior Member Join Date: January 13, 2000 Location: Maryland Posts: 1,125	LawDog, You are da Man. ------------------ "Lead, follow or get the HELL out of the way."

June 29, 2000, 08:51 AM	#19
Don Gwinn Staff Join Date: March 9, 2000 Location: Virden, IL Posts: 5,920	The wife and I repeat--you should really look into publishing these. Just write down as many as you can and as neatly as you can, and take them to a small-time publisher. Tell 'em you've had a lot of interesting experiences and you're interested in creating a book out of them if they like the stories. I don't know how well a publisher would receive these but I love 'em.

June 29, 2000, 08:53 AM	#20
TexasRusty Senior Member Join Date: May 9, 2000 Location: Frisco, Texas, Collin Posts: 108	ROFL. That was great LawDog. Rusty

June 29, 2000, 09:17 AM	#21
Oatka Senior Member Join Date: February 28, 1999 Location: Nevada Posts: 3,086	Aw, Geez, I was just getting over the Giant Santa Claus incident. I was reading this with tears in my eyes when the wife comes in for the morning kiss. I tell her about Big Mamma and now she has tears in her eyes and stomping her hind leg. I guess breakfast will be a little late this a.m.

June 29, 2000, 10:44 AM	#22
Dave McC Staff Join Date: October 13, 1999 Location: Columbia, Md, USA Posts: 7,463	Thanks a bunch, you made my morning(wiping coffee off the monitor)....

June 29, 2000, 10:58 AM	#23
CindyH Senior Member Join Date: March 30, 2000 Posts: 430	Too, too funny!!!! Thanks, LawDog

June 29, 2000, 11:04 AM	#24
Erik Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: America Posts: 3,337

June 29, 2000, 11:18 AM	#25
buzz_knox Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Knoxville, in the Free State of Tennesse Posts: 4,191	LawDog I need your mailing address. I will be forwarding the invoice from my doctor removing salad from my sinus activities. I am NOT kidding! I haven't spewed in years but that damn glowing green ball line did it!