The LawDog Files.

LawDog · April 12, 2000, 06:50 PM

In a post, someone mentioned a lack of humour at The Firing Line.

In late 1994, we had a Lady who developed a stalker problem. We busted the stalker, and got a Protective Order for the Lady. It worked for a couple of days, then she reported that the critter was sneaking into her garage and moving stuff around.

The Sheriff went ballistic and decided that we'd ambush the critter and send him off for a long time. Guess who got volunteered for the ambusher duty? Yep.

Now, this Lady lived at the top of hill just outside the Southwest city limit, in a big old two-story house with an apricot orchard out back, and shrubbery everywhere.

I show up that evening, check in with the Lady and set up an ambush. The driveway led from the road up to the garage and was bordered on both sides by a pyracantha hedge.

I settled down under a tree, and lined up on a gap in the hedge near the house. My plan was to wait until the critter was well up to the house, before dashing through the hedge and arresting him.

I'm bellied down under the tree and I wait. And wait. And wait.

Along about 1AM, an armadillo wanders up from the orchard behind the house where he's been feeding on fermenting apricots all night, and bounces off my foot. I hear the question now: How did I know it was a 'he' armadillo? Simple kids. The drunken little sod promptly, and aggressively, fell in love with my left boot.

Sigh.

He'd sidle up to my boot, murmuring, "What's your sign, baby?" in armadillo-ese, and I'd shove him away, whereupon he'd sleeze back in, crooning armadillo love songs.

And so the evening went. I'd kick him across the lawn, and he'd hiccup and oil his way back.

About two hours later, I have had it. I'm just about to stand up and drop kick the Armoured Menace into the next State, when I hear the crunch of tippy-toed feet coming up the gravel driveway.

I freeze, locking in on that gap in the hedge (the armadillo took the opportuntiy to sneak in a grope. Chauvenistic bastard), and I see a shadow move in front of the gap. I take off like a shot--to find out that some commie pinko liberal moved the gap in the hedge.

I also found out that Pyracantha is a Latin word that means, "Deadly Demon Vampire Bush from Hell." I don't know who screamed louder: the armadillo, when his lady love disappeared; the critter, when I snagged a good handful of his shirt; or me, when I crashed into a brisket-high wall of thorns.

The Lady of the house hears the triplicate scream, decides that the unthinkable has happened, dials 911 and screams, "That Deputy is getting killed!"

Sigh.

Meanwhile, I'm half bent over the thornbush, trying to hold on to a panicked critter with my right hand, and a walkie-talkie with my left hand. We struggle, and I end up halfway over the hedge, upside down, and I look down the road and all I see are lights. Red lights, blue lights, yellow lights, white lights, flashing lights, strobe lights, wig-wags--you name it. All coming up this road.

About that time, the critter twists loose and hot-foots it down the road leaving me with a shirt.

I get on the walkie-talkie, wait for a pause in the traffic from the SO, DPS, EMS, and game warden all demanding to know what has happened to me, and say, "I'm all right. Subject is a white male, no shirt, Northbound on foot."

I suppose, in retrospect, I may have sounded a little...emotional...on the radio. Apparently the Deputies, firemen, EMT's, park rangers, security guards, DPS troopers and LEO's from all eight surronding counties and towns heard my voice and thought: the Dog sounds panicked. The Dog don't ever panic. Therfore the Dog has obviously been shot/stabbed/gutted/burned/run over/abused/whathaveyou and is, no doubt, in immediate danger of expiring.

Double sigh. Anyone who wasn't coming before, is now. The critter is spotted halfway down the road and becomes the subject of a multi-jurisdictional pigpile.

There I am, upside down and helpless in the grip of this fiendish hedge. And what do my friends, my brothers, my comrades-in-arms do, my drinking buddies do to help me in my time of need?

"Hey! Who's got a video camera?! We have GOT to get video of this!"

Took them thirty minutes to get me loose from that plant. I never did see that armadillo again. Good thing, too.

LawDog

[This message has been edited by LawDog (edited April 12, 2000).]

jcoyoung · April 12, 2000, 06:56 PM

LMAO!

So did your boot ever have little armadillos?

Jessica Wellman · April 12, 2000, 07:07 PM

Too funny...I could read your stories all day...
Thanks for the chuckles.

------------------

[This message has been edited by LadydeeJ (edited April 12, 2000).]

JHS · April 12, 2000, 08:56 PM

May we see the the video, PLEASE??!!

**Rich Lucibella** · April 12, 2000, 09:07 PM

I love it!
More!!!!
Rich

JimR · April 12, 2000, 09:08 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In a post, someone mentioned a lack of humour at The Firing Line. [/quote]

Problem solved! And ouch! ouch!
(he says, while wiping away tears from laughing so hard!)

I had a 15' tall bush of that stuff that was treacherous trimming *wayyy* back in the day time with While Mule gloves and long handled clippers. I want nothing to do with Pyracantha in the dark in a scuffle!

And nice job on nailing the scum!

[This message has been edited by JimR (edited April 12, 2000).]

Gopher · April 12, 2000, 09:14 PM

I take it there is a migraine salute at the end of this somewhere? Sounds like your feeling better.

Zensho · April 12, 2000, 09:16 PM

Hahahah! great story.

DaHaMac · April 12, 2000, 09:25 PM

ROFL

Ottergal · April 12, 2000, 10:17 PM

LawDog...ever thought about writing a book? I bet you could give Dave Barry a run for his money!!!

[This message has been edited by Ottergal (edited April 13, 2000).]

larry_minn · April 12, 2000, 11:54 PM

Thank You. Sad part is I can identify with parts of it. Just never all at once.

George Hill · April 13, 2000, 01:09 AM

Sweet...

Jeff Thomas · April 13, 2000, 01:20 AM

LawDog, that was a stitch! Thanks.

But, you mean he never even called? That is, the armadillo?

Gopher a 45 · April 13, 2000, 02:05 AM

And people say that police work isn't glamorous. We've got all the elements: romance, danger, mystery and a heartbroken armadillo. There's a made-for-TV movie in here, folks.

Now I know why there's so many dead 'dillos around here; they think that tanker truck is their armadillo in shining shell. The wake-up must be rude.

**Bud Helms** · April 13, 2000, 05:07 AM

Great story! 'Sounds like it might actually have happened ...

ellsworthtoohey · April 13, 2000, 07:37 AM

Sounds like there may be a new Skeeter Skelton in the making!

Miss Demeanors · April 13, 2000, 09:48 AM

OMG! My ribs are hurting from laughing so hard! I'd pay to see the video!

------------------
Sandys' Homepage
RKBA forums
We are as one as we all are the same fighting for one cause -Metallica

**Art Eatman** · April 13, 2000, 10:30 AM

Since this seems to have to do with Oops! and embarrassment...

A buddy of mine was the firearms instructor for a PD. He was also a car nut, do it yourselfer. One day at a parts store, with his Browning HiPower just stuck in his hip pocket with a jacket covering it, he hitched his pants and Oops! folks looked around; he said he'd knocked a can off a shelf. Funny looks, but...

He went to the men's room and wadded a bunch of paper towels over the fanny-wound. Drove to the city hospital's emergency room for "fixup".

Another "Oops"! Seems as though an assault/battery victim was there--as was a police photographer. The holes in my buddy's butt became known as the most-photographed bullet wound in the history of the PD, with enough prints that every bulletin board in the building had one...

, Art

Erik · April 13, 2000, 10:50 AM

BEAUTIFUL!

yy · April 13, 2000, 12:52 PM

comedic maximal!

William R. Wilburn · April 13, 2000, 01:01 PM

Thanks. You gave us a new new definiton of "The Happy Warrior." Too funny.

OkieGentleman · April 16, 2000, 12:29 AM

Let me add a little piece of humor. The downtown Oklahoma City PD station has several floors. An elevator with polished steel doors on the inside. There are several (two the last time I looked) .357 mag holes in the doors where rookies were practicing their quick draw McGraw. This was back when everyone carried revolvers.

One gentleman told me he was there when one of the holes was made. The young officer still had his weapon in hand and eyes the size of saucers when the doors opened. He was also deaf for several hours and said HUH a lot.

**4V50 Gary** · April 16, 2000, 02:09 PM

Wow, sexually assaulted by a drunken armadillo, getting snared in a friggin bush, and then being taped by all your buddies.

Working in a city does have its advantage.

Jim V · April 16, 2000, 06:06 PM

One cold and rainy late October night, we got a call of a nude man standing on a woman's back porch. Since he was not someone she knew or really wanted to invite in she called us.

My partner and I pulled up and started for the house. The streaker or whatever saw us and took off running across the back yards. he was jumping fences pretty damn well considering what he could catch of the top of one of those chain link jobs. I was in foot persuit, he had a little advantage, just wearing his tennies while I had the gun belt, revolver, rain coat, boots, and all the rest of the junk I carried. My advantage was, I had less chance of catching something important on a fence.

He was doing pretty good until he 1: caught his foot on the his last fence and 2: landed on the hedge planted on the far side of the fence. If you thought that LawDog might have been making wierd noises after he fell over his pyranchta hedge, you should have heard the Streak. He was hanging over the fence and hedge since his shoe was still caught on the fence and the hedge was just wide enough for him to be bent on the edge of the hedge. If you can get the picture, which we did, no videos however.

I can't tell the story as well as LawDog told his, no armadillos in heat, no one on the way to save me or my partner but 662/3% of the people at the scene thought it was pretty damned funny.

------------------
Ne Conjuge Nobiscum
"If there be treachery, let there be jehad!"

[This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 17, 2000).]

Correia · April 17, 2000, 11:32 AM

Now wouldn't it have been cool to have a suppresor for your pistol?

"Bad Armadillo!" ker-thunk, ker-thunk.

All good stories.

April 12, 2000, 06:50 PM	#1
LawDog Staff Emeritus Join Date: September 15, 1999 Location: Where am I going? Why am I in this handbasket? Posts: 4,200	In a post, someone mentioned a lack of humour at The Firing Line. In late 1994, we had a Lady who developed a stalker problem. We busted the stalker, and got a Protective Order for the Lady. It worked for a couple of days, then she reported that the critter was sneaking into her garage and moving stuff around. The Sheriff went ballistic and decided that we'd ambush the critter and send him off for a long time. Guess who got volunteered for the ambusher duty? Yep. Now, this Lady lived at the top of hill just outside the Southwest city limit, in a big old two-story house with an apricot orchard out back, and shrubbery everywhere. I show up that evening, check in with the Lady and set up an ambush. The driveway led from the road up to the garage and was bordered on both sides by a pyracantha hedge. I settled down under a tree, and lined up on a gap in the hedge near the house. My plan was to wait until the critter was well up to the house, before dashing through the hedge and arresting him. I'm bellied down under the tree and I wait. And wait. And wait. Along about 1AM, an armadillo wanders up from the orchard behind the house where he's been feeding on fermenting apricots all night, and bounces off my foot. I hear the question now: How did I know it was a 'he' armadillo? Simple kids. The drunken little sod promptly, and aggressively, fell in love with my left boot. Sigh. He'd sidle up to my boot, murmuring, "What's your sign, baby?" in armadillo-ese, and I'd shove him away, whereupon he'd sleeze back in, crooning armadillo love songs. And so the evening went. I'd kick him across the lawn, and he'd hiccup and oil his way back. About two hours later, I have had it. I'm just about to stand up and drop kick the Armoured Menace into the next State, when I hear the crunch of tippy-toed feet coming up the gravel driveway. I freeze, locking in on that gap in the hedge (the armadillo took the opportuntiy to sneak in a grope. Chauvenistic bastard), and I see a shadow move in front of the gap. I take off like a shot--to find out that some commie pinko liberal moved the gap in the hedge. I also found out that Pyracantha is a Latin word that means, "Deadly Demon Vampire Bush from Hell." I don't know who screamed louder: the armadillo, when his lady love disappeared; the critter, when I snagged a good handful of his shirt; or me, when I crashed into a brisket-high wall of thorns. The Lady of the house hears the triplicate scream, decides that the unthinkable has happened, dials 911 and screams, "That Deputy is getting killed!" Sigh. Meanwhile, I'm half bent over the thornbush, trying to hold on to a panicked critter with my right hand, and a walkie-talkie with my left hand. We struggle, and I end up halfway over the hedge, upside down, and I look down the road and all I see are lights. Red lights, blue lights, yellow lights, white lights, flashing lights, strobe lights, wig-wags--you name it. All coming up this road. About that time, the critter twists loose and hot-foots it down the road leaving me with a shirt. I get on the walkie-talkie, wait for a pause in the traffic from the SO, DPS, EMS, and game warden all demanding to know what has happened to me, and say, "I'm all right. Subject is a white male, no shirt, Northbound on foot." I suppose, in retrospect, I may have sounded a little...emotional...on the radio. Apparently the Deputies, firemen, EMT's, park rangers, security guards, DPS troopers and LEO's from all eight surronding counties and towns heard my voice and thought: the Dog sounds panicked. The Dog don't ever panic. Therfore the Dog has obviously been shot/stabbed/gutted/burned/run over/abused/whathaveyou and is, no doubt, in immediate danger of expiring. Double sigh. Anyone who wasn't coming before, is now. The critter is spotted halfway down the road and becomes the subject of a multi-jurisdictional pigpile. There I am, upside down and helpless in the grip of this fiendish hedge. And what do my friends, my brothers, my comrades-in-arms do, my drinking buddies do to help me in my time of need? "Hey! Who's got a video camera?! We have GOT to get video of this!" Took them thirty minutes to get me loose from that plant. I never did see that armadillo again. Good thing, too. LawDog [This message has been edited by LawDog (edited April 12, 2000).]

April 12, 2000, 06:56 PM	#2
jcoyoung Senior Member Join Date: January 20, 2000 Location: Oak Forest, IL Posts: 661	LMAO! So did your boot ever have little armadillos?

April 12, 2000, 07:07 PM	#3
Jessica Wellman Senior Member Join Date: July 28, 1999 Location: Corydon, Indiana Posts: 423	Too funny...I could read your stories all day... Thanks for the chuckles. ------------------ [This message has been edited by LadydeeJ (edited April 12, 2000).]

April 12, 2000, 08:56 PM	#4
JHS Senior Member Join Date: November 30, 1998 Location: Goodwell,Ok. Posts: 505	May we see the the video, PLEASE??!!

April 12, 2000, 09:07 PM	#5
Rich Lucibella Staff Join Date: October 6, 1998 Location: South Florida Posts: 9,994	I love it! More!!!! Rich

April 12, 2000, 09:08 PM	#6
JimR Senior Member Join Date: October 8, 1999 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 910	<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In a post, someone mentioned a lack of humour at The Firing Line. [/quote] Problem solved! And ouch! ouch! (he says, while wiping away tears from laughing so hard!) I had a 15' tall bush of that stuff that was treacherous trimming wayyy back in the day time with While Mule gloves and long handled clippers. I want nothing to do with Pyracantha in the dark in a scuffle! And nice job on nailing the scum! [This message has been edited by JimR (edited April 12, 2000).]

April 12, 2000, 09:14 PM	#7
Gopher Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1999 Location: Texas USA Posts: 367	I take it there is a migraine salute at the end of this somewhere? Sounds like your feeling better.

April 12, 2000, 09:16 PM	#8
Zensho Senior Member Join Date: November 16, 1999 Location: Northern California Posts: 233	Hahahah! great story.

April 12, 2000, 09:25 PM	#9
DaHaMac Senior Member Join Date: February 9, 2000 Location: West Central Georgia Posts: 247	ROFL

April 12, 2000, 10:17 PM	#10
Ottergal Senior Member Join Date: January 14, 2000 Posts: 267	LawDog...ever thought about writing a book? I bet you could give Dave Barry a run for his money!!! [This message has been edited by Ottergal (edited April 13, 2000).]

April 12, 2000, 11:54 PM	#11
larry_minn Senior Member Join Date: December 2, 1999 Location: Minnesota, wow Posts: 219	Thank You. Sad part is I can identify with parts of it. Just never all at once.

April 13, 2000, 01:09 AM	#12
George Hill Staff Alumnus Join Date: October 14, 1998 Location: Lapoint, Utah Posts: 11,473	Sweet...

April 13, 2000, 01:20 AM	#13
Jeff Thomas Senior Member Join Date: December 9, 1998 Location: Texas Posts: 4,756	LawDog, that was a stitch! Thanks. But, you mean he never even called? That is, the armadillo?

April 13, 2000, 02:05 AM	#14
Gopher a 45 Senior Member Join Date: January 24, 2000 Posts: 329	And people say that police work isn't glamorous. We've got all the elements: romance, danger, mystery and a heartbroken armadillo. There's a made-for-TV movie in here, folks. Now I know why there's so many dead 'dillos around here; they think that tanker truck is their armadillo in shining shell. The wake-up must be rude.

April 13, 2000, 05:07 AM	#15
Bud Helms Staff Join Date: December 31, 1999 Location: Middle Georgia Posts: 11,209	Great story! 'Sounds like it might actually have happened ...

April 13, 2000, 07:37 AM	#16
ellsworthtoohey Senior Member Join Date: February 19, 2000 Posts: 241	Sounds like there may be a new Skeeter Skelton in the making!

April 13, 2000, 09:48 AM	#17
Miss Demeanors Senior Member Join Date: June 22, 1999 Location: Illannoy Posts: 1,383	OMG! My ribs are hurting from laughing so hard! I'd pay to see the video! ------------------ Sandys' Homepage RKBA forums We are as one as we all are the same fighting for one cause -Metallica

April 13, 2000, 10:30 AM	#18
Art Eatman Staff Join Date: November 13, 1998 Location: Terlingua, TX, USA Posts: 17,438	Since this seems to have to do with Oops! and embarrassment... A buddy of mine was the firearms instructor for a PD. He was also a car nut, do it yourselfer. One day at a parts store, with his Browning HiPower just stuck in his hip pocket with a jacket covering it, he hitched his pants and Oops! folks looked around; he said he'd knocked a can off a shelf. Funny looks, but... He went to the men's room and wadded a bunch of paper towels over the fanny-wound. Drove to the city hospital's emergency room for "fixup". Another "Oops"! Seems as though an assault/battery victim was there--as was a police photographer. The holes in my buddy's butt became known as the most-photographed bullet wound in the history of the PD, with enough prints that every bulletin board in the building had one... , Art

April 13, 2000, 10:50 AM	#19
Erik Senior Member Join Date: December 24, 1999 Location: America Posts: 3,337	BEAUTIFUL!

April 13, 2000, 12:52 PM	#20
yy Member Join Date: January 26, 2000 Location: So Cal Posts: 61	comedic maximal!

April 13, 2000, 01:01 PM	#21
William R. Wilburn Senior Member Join Date: March 27, 2000 Posts: 192	Thanks. You gave us a new new definiton of "The Happy Warrior." Too funny.

April 16, 2000, 12:29 AM	#22
OkieGentleman Senior Member Join Date: August 18, 1999 Location: OKC Metro Posts: 432	Let me add a little piece of humor. The downtown Oklahoma City PD station has several floors. An elevator with polished steel doors on the inside. There are several (two the last time I looked) .357 mag holes in the doors where rookies were practicing their quick draw McGraw. This was back when everyone carried revolvers. One gentleman told me he was there when one of the holes was made. The young officer still had his weapon in hand and eyes the size of saucers when the doors opened. He was also deaf for several hours and said HUH a lot.

April 16, 2000, 02:09 PM	#23
4V50 Gary Staff Join Date: November 2, 1998 Location: California Posts: 13,435	Wow, sexually assaulted by a drunken armadillo, getting snared in a friggin bush, and then being taped by all your buddies. Working in a city does have its advantage.

April 16, 2000, 06:06 PM	#24
Jim V Senior Member Join Date: January 31, 1999 Location: SE Michigan - USA Posts: 4,041	One cold and rainy late October night, we got a call of a nude man standing on a woman's back porch. Since he was not someone she knew or really wanted to invite in she called us. My partner and I pulled up and started for the house. The streaker or whatever saw us and took off running across the back yards. he was jumping fences pretty damn well considering what he could catch of the top of one of those chain link jobs. I was in foot persuit, he had a little advantage, just wearing his tennies while I had the gun belt, revolver, rain coat, boots, and all the rest of the junk I carried. My advantage was, I had less chance of catching something important on a fence. He was doing pretty good until he 1: caught his foot on the his last fence and 2: landed on the hedge planted on the far side of the fence. If you thought that LawDog might have been making wierd noises after he fell over his pyranchta hedge, you should have heard the Streak. He was hanging over the fence and hedge since his shoe was still caught on the fence and the hedge was just wide enough for him to be bent on the edge of the hedge. If you can get the picture, which we did, no videos however. I can't tell the story as well as LawDog told his, no armadillos in heat, no one on the way to save me or my partner but 662/3% of the people at the scene thought it was pretty damned funny. ------------------ *Ne Conjuge Nobiscum* "If there be treachery, let there be jehad!" [This message has been edited by Jim V (edited April 17, 2000).]

April 17, 2000, 11:32 AM	#25
Correia Senior Member Join Date: December 3, 1998 Location: SLC Utah Posts: 3,742	Now wouldn't it have been cool to have a suppresor for your pistol? "Bad Armadillo!" ker-thunk, ker-thunk. All good stories.