Lucky you. My wife will willing go to the range with me, but won't carry. I'm fine with it as I consider it a very personal choice and am actually happy she is willing to admit she isn't ready.
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We bought a 12ga for the home, with the idea that just racking it would be nearly as good of a deterrent as the gun itself.
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I kind of wish this thought would go away. You're talking about someone who broke into a home, possibly with the knowledge that someone was in the house. This is not a rational person to begin with. The idea that they would then behave rationally is a bit of a stretch.
My personal opinion, and one of the reasons my wife doesn't carry, is that you should never carry or brandish a weapon if you aren't willing to use it, because then you might find it taken and used against you.
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She can handle the shotgun, but not particularly well since it is pretty heavy for her.
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I always think a 20 ga shotgun is a great option for women of smaller stature. It's no peashooter by any means and will certainly get the job done. Might be something to think of in the future.
It sounds like you and your wife are on a good track and I congratulate you. I see a lot of couples where one loves shooting and the other thinks it's the devil. I never understood that. To me it's so much a part of my personality I couldn't be with someone that hates shooting. That you and your wife are on the same page is a great thing.