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All handguns are defensive weapons that are massively compromised and always weapons of last resort.
Choose whatever HP bullet you like. They're pretty much all the same in real life. Youtube videos of geeks shooting denim covered Jello would argue against this of course.
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Essentially every expert and LEO disagrees with both of your conclusions. Handguns are the first defense (after avoidance) of most LEOs and they carry 9mm, .40S&W or .45acp rather than, say, the much lighter .380acp because of 100 years of field experience. There is a vast difference in terminal knock-down factors of the various rounds, both in theory and in practice. Consider a .22LR HP v. a large bore magnum JHP -- you can't possibly consider them to deliver equivalent stopping power.