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I'm looking to make a round that will expand well enough, but not be blindingly bright at night, deafeningly loud in a hallway, or over penetrate through the building, etc
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9mm penetrates sheetrock, 2x4's and wood/vinyl/aluminum siding. Brick/rock will stop it, usually.
Hollowpoints need speed to open up.
Supersonic rounds are especially loud/ear damaging. Unless you're going to practice or fire frequently indoors without hearing protection, you won't care about the noise when the time comes to use it. We're talking life or death here.
Muzzle flash does vary from powder to powder.
I'd say this a "Catch-22" load search, but you CAN try to minimize the bad, but can't sacrifice needed performance to do it. A "well-placed" 147gr HP that doesn't open all the way, WILL do the job.
Load your rounds in three or four increasing loads and test them as best you can at the range. Your confidence is at least as important as the load itself.
A tried and true commercial cartridge will eliminate the guesswork for SD purposes.
PLAN AHEAD. Carefully examine your residence. Where will you 'probably' be if a bad incident happens? Where will your family members be? Which directions are safest to shoot, and where should YOU be to do it?
When all this goes out the window, fall back on "lot's of practice". Dry fire at home, and use live fire at the range.
I use standard velocity 124gr HP and/or 125gr "target" HPs and hope I'll never need them in a bad situation. ALL you can do, is give it your
best 'shot'.