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Old August 17, 2012, 09:54 PM   #7
Tom Servo
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Join Date: September 27, 2008
Location: Foothills of the Appalachians
Posts: 9,485
Tough love is the only kind of love we understand around here

You've kept it at five paragraphs, which is great. However, look at using shorter, more concise sentences.

Most representatives aren't reading this. Their overworked interns and receptionists are. They're going to skim over it, and it needs to catch their attention quickly if it's to stand out from all the other stuff they get.

This is a great idea, and if we're critical, it's because we want you to be successful!

Consider posting the text in the form of a post here, so we can make edits as we go.
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