View Single Post
Old August 17, 2012, 06:51 PM   #2
Aguila Blanca
Senior Member
 
Join Date: September 25, 2008
Location: CONUS
Posts: 6,492
Here's a start. Remember, you asked, and I have worked as a paid editor and proofreader.

Address line: You misspelled both "Representative" and "Senator."

RE: "Defending the 2nd Amendment and That of Life" -- What the heck does this mean? What is "That of Life"?

Salutation line: You again misspelled "Representative" and "Senator."

First paragraph: "My concern deepens even more ..." The "even more" is redundant and unnecessary. You have not yet stated that your deep concern deepens at all, so how can it deepen "even further"?

First paragraph: I don't think you should refer to a "recent cluster of shootings." There is no "cluster." There have been a few, isolated instances in widely separated locations around the country. The fact that one of them resulted in a high casualty count does not make the several shootings a "cluster." I'd suggest the last sentence could read: "The current media bias in favor of more gun control rather than more crime control, is nothing more than a knee jerk reaction to a few isolated, widely separated instances of troubled individuals who acted out their psychoses.

Third paragraph, third line: "..., and proven many times ..." The word "and" doesn't belong. How about "as has been proven ..."?

Third paragraph, end: Omit the last three words. End with "... our 2nd Amendment rights."

Fourth paragraph: Omit "truly." If the number is overwhelming, it doesn't need your "truly" to make it MORE overwhelming. At the second appearance of "truly" in the same sentence, I would use "necessary."

Fourth paragraph, second sentence: I have no idea what this is intended to say but, wghatever it is, it doesn't say it.

Last paragraph: "Loud" action? "Faultier"?
Aguila Blanca is offline  
 
Page generated in 0.04776 seconds with 7 queries