Understand that caliber is not the only or even necessarily the biggest determinant of recoil. Recoil between different guns in the same caliber and different loads in the same gun varies wildly, too.
A 4" DA/SA K-frame (S&W) or Six (Ruger) or the equivalent with 148-gr. wadcutters is an extremely light-recoiling load, but effective for self-defense.
Some 9mm guns like the M&P have a reputation for being light recoiling for caliber.
Also full-size guns like the Sig P226 or Beretta M9.