I think we would need to know a little more about your wardrobe choices. My wife almost never carries for the same reasons... women's pants were just not designed to have holsters in them. Can't imagine why. Also, women tend not to wear belts as often as men, and when they do, their belts tend to be narrower and more aimed for fashion than to hold heavy weights.
I know everyone is raving about the S&W Shield, which is the new hotness, so I hesitate to add to that furor, but I think a single-stack 9mm in a Remora holster would probably work out well for you.
I like the Shield because I feel like it has less recoil than any of the other small 9mm guns I've shot, but some other options would be the PM9/P9 from Kahr, Ruger's LC9, and the Walther PPS. The Remora holsters work well because they don't require a belt.