Definitely stay away from the 12 ga. then. Go to a gunshop or gunshow and handle several different weapons. A lot would depend on stock fit. A poorly fitting 20 ga.would have more felt or apparent recoil than a 410. Also most 410s are lighter than their comparable 20 ga. counterparts. On the other hand the 20 is more powerful than the 410. Ammo selection is better with the 20ga. than with the 410. BTW Mossberg made a 410 home defense weapon with vertical foregrip that was designed with your situation in mind. Don't know if it is still in production. Whatever you end up with make sure it doesn't just end up in the closet or somewhere. Have everyone practice with it.
[This message has been edited by fal308 (edited 11-25-98).]