PDA

View Full Version : Holy Mall Ninjas batman!


GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 05:19 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen


http://forum.saiga-12.com/index.php?showtopic=20911



I have exhausted my resources and poured over countless SHTF threads in an attempt to establish an official formula for calculating the likelihood that you are a mall ninja.

(b) +/- (B^2 x (3+A-Cy)) / 2(X)-h
Where "b" is the number of ATI products you have on your shotgun or SKS. (Go ahead and multiply this number by 2 if your SKS has a scope). "B" is the number of items in your "tactical SHTF inventory" that were marketed for airsoft wargames. "A" is the difference between the actual number of magazine pouches your airsoft vest has and the actual number of magazines you own. Go ahead and square "A" if you have ever watched anime ****. "C" is your waist size and "y" is the number of days you have spent in real live combat. This number should cancel to zero so dont worry about it. Then we divide by 2 times "X" which is typically defined as the number of quarters your boss gives you in case you need to call the real police. Lastly, we will use "h" to refer to the number of times you have secretly wondered how cool it would be to slip on that Boba Fett helmet and live out your zombie-killing dream in style. Dont forget to carry the 1.

markj
November 29, 2007, 10:49 AM
I dont have any of that stuff.... I feel so.......better stay out of malls kinda.... I did limit last weekend on pheas with my shotgun and dogs :) brother did too, didnt see any other threats tho.......

The Tourist
November 29, 2007, 10:59 AM
What scares me the most (other than running out of Pig Snot) is the fact that your formula actually applies to living, breathing mall ninjas who are "on duty" where I shop and buy burritos.

This is why the short story, "Walter Mitty" is so popular.

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 11:21 AM
Oh I hear ya. The formula has been empirically verified, much to the dismay of skateboard-enforcement officers all around the country. Since its publication, stock values for Cheaperthandirt and Special Weapons have plummeted, and Tapco is having a hard time selling off backstocked SKS tactical stocks. Duct tape and steel plates are flying off the shelves, however, as Food Court Enforcement Officers are digging in for what could be the most dangerous season for Christmas shopping since Tickle-me-Elmo. It aint easy, but someones gotta do it.

TexasSeaRay
November 29, 2007, 11:24 AM
That is flat scary. That guy could be the poster boy for police academy rejects nationwide.

Welcome to the new generation of police and military wannabes . . . Thank goodness the vast majority don't have the balls or backbone to make it all the way through an academy or training rotation.

Jeff

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 11:31 AM
Blue Falcon reporting in, I say again, Blue Falcon reporting in. Carousel is secure over. We've got a code-ten in the Unisex john sir, caught these kids gettin it on in the diaper changing room, over. Requesting authorization to tase, over


ok im done. I just dont get why the hell people buy all this crap anyway? do they plan on suiting up in this stuff and going lone eagle when the SHTF? Wouldnt the cops shoot him? He doesnt look like a cop, and certainly doesnt look like any sane person roaming the streets. Even real SWAT guys dont dress like that. Probably the same guy who thinks the dual-Desert Eagle 50 combo is the be all end all to SHTF survival

The Tourist
November 29, 2007, 11:40 AM
If I drown a mall ninja in the main mall fountain, am I assaulting an "officer," or simply dunking a 'cookie'?

If I slap him 'silly' is he now possibly guilty of 'assault with a friendly weapon'?

If I make him throw all of his ninja paraphernalia into a urinal, do I get some kind of 'golden' reward?

Bikers don't know too much about ninjas, so I haven't a clue.

I did know a girl once in Boaz, Wisconsin that had black pajamas, but that's another story...

Ilovea45
November 29, 2007, 11:47 AM
:D:D:D

I haven't stopped laughing since I saw those pictures!!!

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 11:47 AM
You should watch the movie National Security with Martin Lawrence. Not because its good, because thats the last thing it is. It basically revolves around two wannabe cops who are "Rent a Cops" and do all sorts of bumbling stupid crap yet end up somehow preserving.....national security. Martin Lawrence has a full-auto Glock 18 that they forget to tell us how he acquired, and then by the end he's rollin in the sack with some hot african princess thinkin about how good life is. This movie does for Mall Ninjery what CSI does for crime scene investigating.

TwoXForr
November 29, 2007, 12:13 PM
Just goes to show you how much money you can have when you still live with your parents and forgo dating.

dwatts47
November 29, 2007, 12:21 PM
Go ahead and square "A" if you have ever watched anime ****. "C" is your waist size and "y" is the number of days you have spent in real live combat. This number should cancel to zero so dont worry about it.]


THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER READ ON THIS FORUM!!!!!!:D:D:D

obxned
November 29, 2007, 02:24 PM
Wow, really neat pictures, but I never carried that much crap when I went winter backpacking for a week.

jimcorbin
November 29, 2007, 02:39 PM
***:eek::eek:

Hornett
November 29, 2007, 03:51 PM
This gives me an idea
A movie about mall ninjas.
I think we should all come up with a title.

My best idea so far is "Try Hard".

Any other ideas among the creative minds here?

After we get a title someone should call George Lucas, Quentin Tarintino, or maybe the Wachowski brothers.

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 04:12 PM
This gives me an idea
A movie about mall ninjas.
I think we should all come up with a title.

My best idea so far is "Try Hard".

Any other ideas among the creative minds here?

Hmmmm....

"FeauxboCop"

"Macy's: Vice"

"Mall Rats"

"Last Action Zero"

"Red Handed: The Diary of a Loss Prevention Officer"

"Full Metal Trauma Plate"

"NonLethal Weapon"

"Gecko: The Professional"

"Three Ninjas"

"Training Day"

"Once Upon a Time in Foley's"

"The Day After Thanksgiving"

"The Foodcourt Saints"

"The Last Ninja"

"E for Epaulets"

Scorch
November 29, 2007, 04:25 PM
How about "I was a teenage loser ninja wannabe"?

dwatts47
November 29, 2007, 04:30 PM
"Bad Toys" "Bad Toys II"

"Hard to Skill"

"i've never been to POLICE ACADEMY"

"SWAT... me so I'll wake up"

"LORDS OF (AIRSOFT) WAR"

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 05:38 PM
Someone needs to log into that Saiga forum and link them to this page.

Tanzer
November 29, 2007, 06:39 PM
(b) +/- (B^2 x (3+A-Cy)) / 2(X)-h
According to your formula, it is possible due to extreme variations in A and h, that your genetalia could expand at the speed of light and re-appear in an parallel universe. Probably as anime.

bigghoss
November 29, 2007, 06:58 PM
you know whats sad? I work for the department of the army as an armed guard and they bought and make us all wear that exact same vest in OD green. we pretty much all look like that now. it does make it easier to cary my rifle mags though.

GalilARM
November 29, 2007, 07:09 PM
Thats ok though because its the army. Thats how this whole deal works. If you are military, law enforcement, government, whatever, its okay to "wear the gear", but the interesting part comes when ordinary shmoes throw on a tactical vest and knee pads and everything in between, pretending that they are some sort of "operator". It works best when accompanied by ravings about SHTF and preparedness, and even better when the culprit is in a "wannabe" position like Mall Security or something else. Dont get me wrong though, there is nothing at all wrong with being a security guard, or anything else. Nobody deserves to be railed because of their career choice. The issue does come though, when said "operators" take on the mindset that they are in a much more authoritative position than they really are. The point of the whole "Mall Ninja" thing isnt to rag on Security guards in general, just the ones who dont quite see themselves in the same light that everyone else does.....

Hornett
November 29, 2007, 07:57 PM
"FeauxboCop" :D:D
LOL
We have a winner.

TexasSeaRay
November 30, 2007, 02:33 AM
The dweeb's a mall security guard turned school security guard who is, get this, shotgun qualified, or as he puts it, SG qualified.

Someone sent this to me and said it was his MySpace site. Still not exactly sure what the hell MySpace is--sounds like it's for the younger generation--but reading this guy's description of himself is hilarious . . . at first. Then it gets a little scary as it looks like he actually believes it.

About me:
Although I cannot say much about myself; I'll start saying I'm a Tactical Security Enforcer in one of America's biggest malls (exact location undisclosed). I chose the duty of packing heat all time to serve and protect, although my jobzone is much more difficult than the patrol zones cops usually go around. As Captain of the Elite TSE Unit, we conduct grueling training in martial arts, firearms, emergency procedures, hostage situations, and backup assistance to the cops, if they fail (doughnuts en masse slow down the body). I use only Second Chance Body Armor, with IIIA level ceramic plates, and sew in (well my wifey did) another IIIA plate in order to maximize my protection. We carry Springfield XD's with .40JHP ammo, but I always carry some FMJ bullets which I slit and X on the point, making them incredibly powerful.

Then reading the wacko crap at that board where he posted his pictures of himself and the opinions/defense of him by the others, it gets even more frightening.

I mean, they actually compare and equate his service as a school security rent-a-cop (not even a licensed, certificated peace officer) with what our SOG groups are doing over in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Where do these fruitcakes come from?

Jeff

GalilARM
November 30, 2007, 03:06 AM
Thats an excerpt from the "Gecko45" joke thread over at GlockTalk that originally inspired the term "mall ninja". The guy in the original post isnt related to that thread or description, except in spirit. And MySpace is pretty much an internet hangout for people who have nothing better to do than sit online and mope about life to their friends.

KellyTTE
November 30, 2007, 03:59 AM
So, what, exactly does this thread have to do with either tactics or training? If you guys spent half as much time working on your dryfire as you do on making fun of another forum, I'd be impressed.

GalilARM
November 30, 2007, 04:02 AM
Absolutely nothing, and I'm still surprised its going strong

ESI Agent
November 30, 2007, 04:23 AM
Lot's of people who work in the security industry use their background in security to gain entry into law enforcement, and lot's of people in law enforcement use their law enforcement back ground to gain entry into security positions. It's a two edged sword.

GalilARM
November 30, 2007, 04:30 AM
^And both deserve respect. Those arent really the types we are discussing though :D

Tanzer
November 30, 2007, 07:45 AM
So, what, exactly does this thread have to do with either tactics or training? If you guys spent half as much time working on your dryfire as you do on making fun of another forum, I'd be impressed.
Your point is well-taken, but we need to be aware of these forums for the simple fact that the antis who troll around do not necessarily have the brains to make the distinction between this forum and one who whore themselves out to such idiots. When we apply for carry permits, the controlling departments (especially in the less-friendly states) are aware of these dip-sticks also. The Brady Bunch knows about them, and so does Hillary, and with the IACP starting to get grant money from the Joyce foundation, these whackos affect us directly. I wouldn't want to see it often, but we should keep a weather eye open. It may remind a few of us how bad we can look if we post without thinking, or to re-consider our sig line.

Pat Rogers
November 30, 2007, 08:07 AM
galilARM- That may be one of the absolute best posts ever.

Well done!

TexasSeaRay
November 30, 2007, 11:27 AM
So, what, exactly does this thread have to do with either tactics or training? If you guys spent half as much time working on your dryfire as you do on making fun of another forum, I'd be impressed.

1. It clearly shows you how NOT to dress for any situation (other than Halloween) that could be considered tactical.

2. It clearly shows that there is a whole underworld of posers, wannabes and outright frauds out there. People who don't know about guns or tactics just might listen to these wackos and believe them. And THAT is a scary thought.

3. It clearly shows what kind of Rambo-wannabes are working within our security industry--not all, but enough to definitely merit concern and have the legitimate security professionals seriously consider "policing" their own. We don't need these kind of people in ANY position of authority, regardless of how slight that authority might be.

4. It clearly shows who the number one enemy of the Second Amendment is, and it's not the Sarah Brady's of the world. It's people like that dweebo who dressed up like an idiot and then posted his pictures and then DEFENDED himself in a way that makes every gun-owner look bad.

Want me to continue?

Jeff

Capt Charlie
November 30, 2007, 12:27 PM
So, what, exactly does this thread have to do with either tactics or training?

Absolutely nothing, and I'm still surprised its going strong

;)