Attack of the Fattest Ninja EVA!

[spacemanspiff]

well, homage must be paid to my idol: chris "i am one with the universe" farley. but he didnt have a surefire!!!

Warning! The following attached picture is not for the faint of heart, and may induce nauseu, hyperventilation, and feelings of anxiety by any who choose to view it. Merely clicking on the link to this thread guarantees that the Fat Ninja will be held harmless against any liability or property damage arising directly or indirectly from the viewing of the picture.

















This is your last chance. exit the thread now, or forever bow before my Ninjatude!

[spacemanspiff]

please hold....i think it might be too horrifying for the server to accept it!

[spacemanspiff]

alright this'll hammer my free low-bandwidth file space, but who cares?? i'm so tactical it will hurt you to look at me!
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/606975/fattestninja.jpg

[spacemanspiff]

balaclava by gijoes surplus
gloves by kenai
shirt by sportsmans warehouse
pants by royal robbins
shoes by ecco
belt by rafters gunleather (yes theres a belt in there somewhere!)

rifle by colt
mag by beta
foreend by surefire
vertical foregrip/light by surefire
optic by trijicon
glasses by oakley

bellyfat overhanging waistline by mcdonalds, burger king, carls jr, taco bell, and pizza hut

[Leif]

LOL! :D And I thought the "tacti-roll" was extra armor there ... :eek:

Seriously, since you're so tactical, shouldn't you have three or four extra handguns attached to you ... and a NEF .308 slung across your back with all the ATI accessories on it!

[Avizpls]

Psht! SO not tactical. I can still see some skin. And those arent anti-reflective glasses. I'd so spot you.

[spacemanspiff]

leif, look at my immense girth. i WAS hiding 3 handguns (3oclock iwb, sob, drop thigh holster) and i had a 870 bungeed to the back of my balaclava (that way i dont lose my shotgun or my balaclava too easily).
:D

[Leif]

I stand corrected, sir. :D

[stephen426]

Space,

No offense but I suggest you lose some weight. You are much more likely to die of a heart attack than in any combat situation. Even if you do get into a combat situation, you are a much larger target (pun intended). Besides, you will not be as mobile or agile as someone in better physical shape.

I am not poking fun at you or any overweight people. You have acknowledged that you have a weight problem... now do something about it before it kills you! Even if you don't have a heart attack, there are tons of problems that stem from obesity. Diabetes is one of the more common ones. Sides effects of that disease may include poor circulation, leading to wounds that don't heal nad possible loss of limbs from gangrene setting in. Diabetics can also get glaucoma and go blind. Thta would really hurt your shooting skills. Take care and go easy on the fast food. We like having you around on this forum!

[Trip20]

My son left the house with this mother to go trick or treating a little while ago. He looked remarkably similar (minus the tacti-roll of course). :D

[mgdavis]

Looks like a high tensile strength tacti-shirt:p

Is that the WildAlaska shop in the background?

[StormTrooper]

i think the point was to give us all a break of humor in our day, not audition for the next Biggest Loser. His weight, his choice.

Thanks for the laugh

[Don Gwinn]

Space,

No offense but I suggest you lose some weight. You are much more likely to die of a heart attack than in any combat situation. Even if you do get into a combat situation, you are a much larger target (pun intended). Besides, you will not be as mobile or agile as someone in better physical shape.

I am not poking fun at you or any overweight people. You have acknowledged that you have a weight problem... now do something about it before it kills you! Even if you don't have a heart attack, there are tons of problems that stem from obesity. Diabetes is one of the more common ones. Sides effects of that disease may include poor circulation, leading to wounds that don't heal nad possible loss of limbs from gangrene setting in. Diabetics can also get glaucoma and go blind. Thta would really hurt your shooting skills. Take care and go easy on the fast food. We like having you around on this forum!


Good thing you were here to tell him that. I'm sure he never knew . . . . ;)

(You're right, and I've lost 110 pounds in the last year myself for all those reasons, but believe me, nobody is fat because they think it's cool.)

[JohnKSa]

i'm so tactical it will hurt you to look at me!You were SO right! WHY didn't I listen? WHY? :eek:

Nice glasses.

But I'm confused--where is EVA? That's the only reason I opened this thread...

[Capt Charlie]

What??? No Samurai sword (that's stamped, "made in Pakistan") slug over your back???

I note that WildAlaska has a spy window in his office, probably to keep you from goofing off! :D :p

CaptyouneedtocrackthewhiponhimmoreWildCharlie

[USP45usp]

Spiffy,

Thanks agan for a great Ninja pose. (btw, Wild, your shop is clean, I like that :) ).

+10 on your ninjatude dude :D.

Wayne

[Wildalaska]

Just so you all know, we harass old Spiffy for being fat, but he is fat like a middle linebacker is fat know what i mean...Dude has moose shoulders and no neck :)

Know if he wasnt goofin off, the shop would be cleaner

WildscarysightAlaska

[SAXD9]

It's the legendary "Great White Ninja!"

Holy Shnikees!

:)

[utaherrn]

Your ninjatude knows no bounds! I am in awe, sir!

I take it some people have never heard of the "tactical fat" that we have discussed in the past. No need for body armor, baby!


The phony katana would be a plus, as would a belt of MG ammo criss-crossed across your body.....the fact that you have no gun capable of firing the belted ammo on you is besides the point, we're talking ninjaness after all!

AND A KNIFE! you have no knife. how can you have no knife? -3 ninja-points! Get thee hence and strap on several knives, big ones! big shiny ones!

[EricN]

Spiff,

YOU DA MAN!!!!!!

What no throwing stars???

ericn

[Sum1_Special]

Haha, I love it! :D

The image is forever burned into my memory. :)

stephen426, I guess about every major thread has a Kill-joy... And, well, congratulations to you.

[VirgilCaine]

I would go into the teeth of hell with you, Spiff.

Hiding behind you, of course:D

[Doug.38PR]

Yo Joe! It's Snake Eyes!

http://www.myuselessknowledge.com/joe/snakes.html

http://www.myuselessknowledge.com/joe/snakes.gif

[stephen426]

I guess about every major thread has a Kill-joy... And, well, congratulations to you.

I guess it is much easier discussing hypothetical situations that we have almost no chance of getting into (provided you are not law enforcement, living in the ghetto, or going around looking for trouble) rather than facing a national epidemic. Your so right. I apologize for being a realist.

Some people have no common sense and discuss everything from a "tactical" stand point, when the ounce of prevention often eliminates the need for a pound of cure. Besides, I thought I was on your ignore list. Please put me back on! :rolleyes:


Space,
I do like that picture though and I hope I have not offended you. I really was being sincere about it. Some people have just come to accept it as a fact and give up. Take care and I'll keep an eye out for a big ninja when the kiddies go trick or treating! I'll give you an apple!

[Paintballer]

http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/4103/dontworry2cu3iq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/3397/fromtheinterweblmao6wv5il.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Dre_sa]

but you forgot you need boots so you can tuck your pants into them!

[spacemanspiff]

no worries, stephen426... its good advice, and i've been putting off going to the gym. been paying my dues for longer than i care to admit, and i just never go. i suppose i can say i was waiting until this picture was taken, now i can go work off my tactic-roll. :D

there is a benchmade clipped to a belt loop, but its under one of the rolls of fat. mind you, this was a light load day, no need to gear up with all the doodads and knicknacks since i was surrounded by other fat commandos all day long.

i stopped carrying throwing stars when i started wearing the gloves. they just slip between my chubby fingers. doesnt help when they're still greasy from the cinnamon roll i had for a power snack.

[dave_in_delaware]

:eek: Run! Run! It's a gun-sporting ninja! aaaaarrrgghhhhhhhh!! ... WHY, oh why did I view that while eating lunch at work. LOL.

Just kidding! Thanks for the picture. It was a good one. As serious as this world can be at times, as well as gun ownership and use, it's always therapeutic to have some fun, too!

Sent you a PM.

[spacemanspiff]

i do appreciate the encouragement to lose weight. heres two pics from 3 years and 25 lbs ago.

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/606975/spiffwithhair.jpg
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-1/606975/spiffontheleft.jpg
both taken in prince william sound. the skinny guy on the right is my boss. to put it in perspective, he tips the scales at 140.

[stephen426]

Space,

You are a beast! I bet you can lift some serious weight. Now go get to the gym and work off your tactical fat. The chicks at the gym will be checking you out in no time you big stud muffin you! :D Your fat, I'm ugly... At least you can loose the weight!:eek: :D

[AndrewTB]

Spaceman,
I also have a bit of tactical fat. I believe tacti-fat has the ability to repel and stop bulletts. :D



Honestly though I hope to work it off. I have a somewhat similar build as you (maybe a little less fat).

[losangeles]

Man, some funny pics in here! Love that Halloween frame of mind!

[IZinterrogator]

No Killflash on optic: -2 points
Balaclava: +3 points
Rail system on weapon: +2 points
Rails left unused: -1 point per rail
All black outfit: +2 points
Pants not tucked into boots: -2 points
No body armor: -1 point
Tacti-roll substitute for body armor: +1 point
Protective eyewear: +1 point
Orange lenses for eyewear: -1 point
Beta C-Mag: +3 points
No grenade launcher cut-out on barrel: -2 points
No grenade launcher: -1 point
Surefire vertical foregrip light: +2 points
Sidearm not carried in tactical thigh holster: -2 points


Gee Spiff, looks like you broke even to me. :p

[Eightball]

Despite how humerous that first pic is, that is not the most "mall ninja" AR I've ever seen....I've seen some wannabe AKs that are worse, and a LOT of AR's that are worse.

As for the ninja itself......... I'd like to see him do a tacti-cool "SWAT"-style rappeling entrance through someone's windows.....:p . Thanks for the humour, Spaceman

[spacemanspiff]

psshaawwww!!!! heres how i calculate the ninjatude:

colt rifle (not a cheap knockoff :D ) = +1
surefire foreend = +4
surefire vert fore grip with light and nav lights = +3
tactical sling = +1
trijicon tri-power optic = +3 (thats THREE power sources! actually four but we'll keep it at three just for funsies)
arms buis = +2 (has two apertures: big and small)
tactical fat = +3 (calculated by how many skunkabillies it would take to make one of me :p )
cell phone set to 'Tactical Silent Ringing Mode' = +1
sharp instrument on belt loop = +1
belt designed to hold up a gun = +1
sidearm carried IWB so as not to scare the sheeple = +1
all black uniform, including underoos = +1
balaclava = +1
tactical eye protection = +1
thats a total of 24. now lets do the deficiencies.

rails unused = -3
no killflash = -2
pants untucked = -2 (but i got a good excuse, my legs are so short i have to roll them up which makes them not fit into my boots)
no grenade launcher cutout on barrel = -2 (hey i wasnt gonna wait another month for WA to get more 6920's! the 6721 is just as good! plus i can use lighter bullets with that 1 in 9 twist)
no grenade launcher ducttaped to barrel = -1 (ran out of ducttape the last time i strapped kitchen plates to my torso before going to the mall to watch a movie)
orange lenses on eyewear = -1 (but they give so much more clarity over the darker lenses!)
no tactical thigh holster = -2 (havent found a thigh holster that has straps to cover my 28" thunder thighs)
i still have like, 13 points of ninjatude!


edit - even though no one noticed it i'll take another point deduction for my vert foregrip being desert tan and not black to match the rest of my furniture.

[Hunter Rose]

>havent found a thigh holster that has straps to cover my 28" thunder thighs<

Spiffy: get whatever thigh holster you want, and just replace the straps with standard belts from the surplus store. They SHOULD be long enough... ;)

And I'm STILL waiting for those pics... :mad:

[IZinterrogator]

Alright kids, let's compare and contrast...

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b105/IZinterrogator/IMG_0368.jpg

Colt rifle: +1
KAC forend (the original milspec rail system used in SOPMOD M4 package): +5
Unused rails covered: +1
Plain jane vertical grip: +1
Tactical sling: +1
Trijicon TA31RCO-M4: +4 because you admitted it was better than yours once (http://thefiringline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172153)
Killflash on optic: +2
GG&G MAD BUIS: +2
Tactical fat: +0 (I lost 13 pounds in the last two months)
Cell phone set to 'Tactical Silent Ringing Mode': +1
Gerber Multitool: +1
Belt designed to hold up enormous 1st Cav belt buckle: +1
Woodland camouflage BDUs, minus shirt so I can better show off my huge pectoral muscles and rippling washboard abs ( :rolleyes: ): +2
Boonie hat: +1
Interceptor body armor with Blackhawk accessories: +3
IR strobe for signaling helicopters for pickup from hot LZ: +2
Pants tucked into boots (not seen in photo, but there): +1
Tactical background for photo: +1

That's 30, let's go to deficiencies.

Mismatching camo: -2 (haven't seen my woodland boonie since I moved)
Rails unused: -3
No grenade launcher cutout: -2 (Wild was out of 6920s when I picked one up, too)
No grenade launcher ducttaped to barrel: -1
No eyewear: -1
No sidearm or thigh holster: -5 (I couldn't find the quick-release attachment for it at the time, but I found it two days later)
No Surefire vertical foregrip with main light and nav LEDs: -3 (It's on order though, check Wild's computer)
Cell phone with non-matte finish showing: -1
Didn't apply camouflage make-up to exposed skin: -1

Okay, so I have 11, but with a single package postmarked from Anchorage and my thigh holster buckled on (which would take me to 19), I could totally top your ninjatude! :D ;)

[johnnymenudo]

You guys crack me up.

JM

[dave_in_delaware]

I foresee a ninja-tude photo contest & points competition starting here.... :eek:

[Wildalaska]

IZs gonna win his surefire (which is on the way ) vertical foregrip light is more expensive and has more toys than Spiffs.

Spiffs a wannabe :)

WildhehasnomagpulrangerplatesAlaska

[yorec]

Dave's got a great idea there... Need to come up with some real +/- ratings though, not just off the cuff generalizations to match the current pic. Could be fun.

And congrats Spiff - I'd give you another three points for sheer wannabeness. After all, isn't ninjatude more about desire than actual ability? ;)

[alpineman]

All this math is making my head swim.

Geez, Spiff - an earlier comment was right on ... you've got no neck! You're like a tactical Stimpy!!

[IZinterrogator]

Okay, back from four days in the field. So, in response to this:After all, isn't ninjatude more about desire than actual ability? I counter with the fact that I am MI, so I have no actual ability. :D ;)

[spacemanspiff]

well its a desire to make you think i'm cooler than i really am.

the better we are at telling lies, the greater the likelihood that we'll have a high ninjatude rating.


edit - stimpy! more like shrek.

[Mikeyboy]

Spiff,

You have a fine assault weapon and the outfit is good except....what is with the shoes....you need some combat boots or even better THOSE SPLIT TOE NINJA BOOTS

[alpineman]

Ha! Ok - Shrek it is. I like Stimpy, but you get that one. :p

[USP45usp]

I like Spiffy the way he is. A thin Alaskian is a fake Alaskian :D.

I give Spiffy a +10 for his ninjatude just for posting pics. And you have to admit, he's got dang good taste in shades.

Wayne

[Wildalaska]

THOSE SPLIT TOE NINJA BOOTS

Ha...my wife has a pair of those split toe clogs (Geta I think they are) and she walks areound in them just fine...me, I put on a pair and try to be like Mifune Toshio in a Kurosawa samurai movie and I end up rolling on the floor like a hairy beach ball

WildbalanceAlaska

[Eghad]

Okay, so I have 11, but with a single package postmarked from Anchorage and my thigh holster buckled on (which would take me to 19), I could totally top your ninjatude!

but I can see you :eek: Spiff virtually melds with the background in his ninjatude. +50 for Spiff :p

[Hunter Rose]

Ken, something tells me that your rolling around on the floor has NOTHING to do with the shoes... :evil:

[IZinterrogator]

Thanks Eghad, now the next time I take a ninja pic like that, I'm going to have to bust out the camo sticks and borrow some camo netting from work just to keep you happy. :D

[IZinterrogator]

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b105/IZinterrogator/atJRTCincamo.jpg

So don't think I won't do it!

Taken at JRTC back in February 2001 if you were wondering why I'm an E-4 instead of an E-6 in the photo.

[Eghad]

better, but you just dont have the ninjatude Spiff has :eek: plus you look like your happy... ninjas are not supposed to be happy.....

-10 for joo and + 10 for Spiff :p

[IZinterrogator]

Of course I was happy. You may note that I have an M4 with 'da switch' in my hands.

Happiness is a selector switch that rotates past semi. :D

[Eghad]

Where is your War Face :eek: I see no war Face :eek:

Spiff has a war face on like a true ninja......:p

[yorec]

Points off for using blanks!! But the adaptor's camoed too... Add a point back.

(Bet that was a fun day, I won't knock the grin - even ninjas can enjoy thier work...)

[IZinterrogator]

You can't even see Spiff's face under the balaclava, I bet he's grinning like an idiot! :D

And that is a MILES transmitter on the barrel, the blank adaptor is the yellow thing in front. Real rounds would be better, but not when the enemy is actually the 1/509th PIR from Fort Polk. :eek:

[Brick]

OK-


So...Wait: What's going on here?


:cool:

[Eghad]

"And that is a MILES transmitter on the barrel, the blank adaptor is the yellow thing in front. Real rounds would be better, but not when the enemy is actually the 1/509th PIR from Fort Polk."

blank adapter thingy? Miles? what are those

[IZinterrogator]

Ha! I know you're lying, you were in the military! For the neophytes out there, the blank adapter is a vented plug which lets enough gas pressure build up to let the weapon fire in semi and burst mode when using blanks. Without it, you have a single-shot rifle that must be cocked everytime it is fired. MILES is the military version of Laser Tag, so when we fight simulated battles, we know who got shot (there is a new digital version out that I'm using this week that shows who shot who and can track the battle via GPS technology, but the vest is soooo heavy compared to the old one).

[czc3513]

Very funny.
Sounds fun IZ.

[Hunter Rose]

>Happiness is a selector switch that rotates past semi.<

I mentioned this line to Spoon, and ahe agrees... ;)

[spacemanspiff]

You can't even see Spiff's face under the balaclava, I bet he's grinning like an idiot
no way! i was like, so wearing my game face. it was a long day of work, and whoever brought lunch forgot to bring sodas so i was totally parched. and theres nothing like a dry ninja!
i slay the myth that fatties are jolly people. :D oops i mean :mad:

[IZinterrogator]

And how exactly does suiting up for a ninja photo count as work, Spiff? :D

[spacemanspiff]

well it was on halloween weekend... :p

[IZinterrogator]

Please tell me you didn't answer the door for the trick-or-treaters dressed like that.... :D

[legacy94]

spiff,seeing your pic reminds me so much of that movie chris farley was in(of course now i can't remember the name)
:cool: ultra funny movie

[john in jax]

I would not hesitate to follow you into a gunfight . . .you'd make excellent cover :-)

[spacemanspiff]

just remember to spin me around when they start firing the larger calibers at us. thats where my trauma plate is.

[swmike]

The larger the "Mass", the larger the "Center of Mass". How could one miss that target? Or is it just 4-5 layers of body armor?